I Love Him

I close my eyes to the world sometimes. I don’t know what else to do. All of the negative feelings, I wait for them to pass me by. But they never do. Why should they? I am vulnerable, lost inside my mind. Never alone, not really.
They come out of the absence of others. What started as childhood imaginary friends and enemies soon became something else. I couldn’t let them go. Maybe it was because no one real wanted to be friends with me in those developmental years, maybe it was the fact that I knew them better than anyone else, the fact is that they stayed.
I never expected the feelings that came next, the feelings as the friends left, died off as I got human friends, real friends, but the enemies, they got worse as I got to know human enemies. They grew stronger as I grew weaker, and then, they were in charge.
I hid, deeper and deeper into my heart I dug, until finally I was hiding myself from everyone. I hid my soul from myself, even. I was afraid to admit that these projections of my subconscious were taking control, that they were ruling me.
One of them, the Shadow King, gained control of my center, the throne of the kingdom that is me, as one might say. He took control of me, as much as he could, and didn’t let me free. He kept me from self-harm, but he also kept me from some other things too, like love. He was selfish, holding me to myself, and never letting me go…
We look inside, but never do we listen to the real sounds. I tried and met my darker side, the side of me that hates me. The side that listened to the bullies for all those years, the side that believed what they said was the truth. And I realize that my heart has always struggled with this, that the Shadow King, no matter how he controls, manipulates, and insults me, still loves me. He wants me to belong to him forever, but I wonder if it is right. When is my time to take control over how my life is lived, and when will I discover the true me?
I love the Shadow King. He walks beside me, living in my heart, lying in my shadow. In darkness and loneliness he struggles to make me come to terms with my self-hate, but I ignore him. Why would I rather secretly hate myself than let him go? Why can’t I let him through, let him say that I hate myself so that I can heal? Because I am afraid. He is not the worst my mind can give me, not at all. He is only the ruler, and as a ruler, he can be kind as well as cruel.
I am afraid of the others inside my mind. I wish I could speak to someone else who knows him. He lives in all of us, though he makes himself known to only a few. For who of us is perfect? He is that part of you who tells you when you have done something wrong, who tells you when you need to acknowledge this. Most people ignore him, but I can’t. He keeps me from killing myself.
We all have a counter inside of us that fights against suicidal thoughts. In some cases, it is a wall or river that you’d never dare to cross. In other cases, it is a small thing, easily brushed aside as we cross that border. Mine is the Shadow King, for I give him the burdens I dare not carry. I let him stop me, and stop me he does.
I love the Shadow King, and can’t live without him. He is my center, and I admit to this sadly. I am ruled by self-loathing and suicidal thoughts that don’t show on my outer, cheerful shell. I confide in those few I trust, my friend Sun Devi (not part of how you know him but part of how I know him) and the readers on EP.
Yes, indeed. I love the Shadow King.
Swanfirefly Swanfirefly
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Women who run with wolves :)

I will check it out after winte break...hold your horses...