I Should Go For Their Benefit

I have come to the slow realization that everyone that I truly care about would be better off without me. I wouldn't be a disappointment, my parents wouldn't have to pay for my school, wouldn't have to fight about me all the time. My mom tells me I always make her feel like ****, my dad is depressed and has no money, my boyfriend is struggling to move here because of me and I always say the wrong things and make him upset. I have a dog even that I couldn't train properly so even he would be better without me. I have a good future lined up ahead but I keep wondering what's the point of it all? Why don't I just leave or die and then no one would have to worry about me and I wouldn't have to make everyone so upset. I wouldn't always be screwing up and doing the wrong things. I wouldn't be their burden. If only I could just disappear.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

The point of it all is to stay with it until you get to enjoy the future you have planned.

You are not the reason your mom feels like s***. Sure, you may annoy her at times, but that's what children do. She is an adult and needs to act like one. Please consider that she might be pushing her disappointment in herself on you.

It's not your fault that your dad is depressed and has no money. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. You are not responsible for that. You are not responsible for his paycheck. If your parents offered to pay for school, then they should do it without complaint. Look into scholarships and student jobs if you are able.

If your boyfriend wants to be with you, he will find a way. If he's making you feel bad about his struggle to get to you, then you should lose that loser. If he is jumping on you for saying the "wrong" thing, then maybe he is impossible to please. Love means you treat each other with respect.

Your dog just wants tummy rubs and whatever you're eating. I bet you're great at providing love and food.

Maybe depression runs in your family and that's the reason you are down. Maybe your parents are not showing you the unconditional love that they should. This definitely affects how you view yourself.

I don't know you, but I care about you. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and my mom an enabler. I made dumb life choices because I hated myself. Some days I still hate myself but I keep plugging along because I want to be happy and I have hope that those days lie ahead of me. Please try to make good choices so that you can look back at your past with pride in yourself. You're going to screw up. We all do. Keep trying to make good choices for YOU.

Keep chasing your happiness and don't allow others to drag you down. The people you love need to be worthy of that love. YOU are worthy of love. I hope you have people in your life who care for you unconditionally.