What Now??Once upon a time, there was a girl. All her life, she dreamed of a great love....one that would make the entire world make sense. One that would be true and everlasting. When she was young, she really believed this was a goal she could someday reach. All that she needed to do was to find the right love, and then give all she had to make it work. As she grew older, however, the girl met all sorts of loves, but none was the "right " one. One would not be true, another would not be honest, yet another had no passion in his soul. The girl tried many relationships, but as she did, she grew discouraged....and she was always plagued by a sense of 'waiting'. Waiting for what? She did not know the answer, but she figured, as her experiences became less and less satisfying, that "it" was not a love for which she waited. As time went on, the girl settled...settled for a pale imitation of the love she had longed for, and in spite of the disappointment, still determined to give her all, yet again, in order to nurture the pairing. She was sure that given time, the gentle man she had chosen, would begin to trust in her, and that her faithfulness would entice him to deeper intimacy. She awoke every day, at gave her all. She made sure to do the things she knew he liked, she settled for promises of intimacy instead of the real thing, she subjugated her own needs to those of others who also held sway over her lover's heart...and she waited.
And waited.......for many years, she still believed it would come, she worked hard, gave much of herself, and still, she waited. One day, she met another man. One who was sympathetic to her plight...one who felt the same in his own relationship. She loved the man for his gentle kindness, his knowing understanding, and his firey passion. But, she felt beneath the man....many stations below his in status, far less education..and most importantly, far less experienced sexually. He was everything she had ever dreamed of....kind, generous, smart, sensual, and passionate. She fell in love with very little trouble. He, for his part, extolled his love for her, as well. They talked for many hours, about many things, each getting to know the intricasies of the other. The more they talked, the farther in love the girl fell....and the more she wanted to be with this marvelous man!!
After many hardships, and with much loss of respect, family and money, the couple decided to live together. So he came from far away and took her back to his home, to be his princess. The girl was so happy!! She had ceased believing this kind of love existed! And now, here was her love...the answer to her prayers! She felt very blessed, and set about to give her love his every wish. She longed to make him happy, for he had lived such a joyless life....and she loved him, beyond all reason. She knew she could make him happy, because they had talked incessantly about each other's desires, and the failure to have obtained them heretofore. She gave him each desire he made known, and strived to be a good mate, one that deserved this heavenly love!
But.....there was something the girl did not know. The man who proclaimed his love for her, who gave up so very much to be with her...did not love her....at all. She had only been a device to use in order to have company while divesting himself of his former wife. Everything she did to make the man happy was used to make her sorry she had ever been born. He was cruel to her, purposefully. Lied to her for the sheer enjoyment of lying. He deceived her at every turn, and took delight in her pain. He compared her negatively to every other woman he had loved. He hacked at her self confidence, repaid her efforts with selfishness and ingratitude. Looked on her gift of love with disdain...hating her for not being someone he could love...for not being the fantasy he had invented in his mind. And told her it was her fault...all the while, still proclaiming the lofty love he had claimed all along.
The girl was stunned....she felt like he had taken a cast iron skillet and WHACKED her across the face. Her body hurt and was tired...not from any physical abuse, but from the whiplash like changes in his moods and personality. He would be loving and kind, and all the while, plotting some nasty surprise for her. It seemed as if he delighted in her torture. The girl became confused....this was not love....was it?? How could someone you love hurt you so...on purpose? How could they extract your tears with such relish?? How could your suffering bring them satisfaction??? She was lost...unable to trust her own decisions, because from all evidence she could not make a good decision, if her life depended on it...and it had. And so she stayed...she listened to the pleadings of the man....begging her to believe in him, to trust him and his love. Apologies were everywhere, but the events kept right on happening, as if he had no control over them. She would ask certain concessions, and he would agree....only to turn around and violate the concession at first opportunity, as if to say, "I may SAY anything to appease you for MY comfort....but YOU are not worth keeping my word to".
This went on for many months. Eventually, the man did stop the deceit....miraculously, he decided he wanted to be the husband he had pretended to be all the time. He claimed that NOW he really WAS in love with the girl. But the girl had always told him that unless he told her why he had done the dastardly deeds, she was quite certain she could not put them behind her...it was torture to put them there, at all. The man told her that although he knew he had done "bad things" and "been abusive", he, himself, could not remember the events in question in any sort of detail. He had no clue of his feelings at the time, nor his motivations. He did not understand the events, the things leading to them, or his emotions. This seemed incredulous to the girl.....how could he not remember the details of crushing her over and over again? Did her pain mean so very little to him? He claimed, "no"....."his memory just doesn't work that way". He expected her to have the patience of Job....and more desirable, just let it go. He gave no indication these things would ever be settled, and said as much, in so many words. Yet, he expected her to forgive, anyway.
The problem, from the girl's point of view was that it all sounded the same. The same words as the time before, the same earnest, blue eyes looking at hers, the very same man who had treated her so deceitfully....and she found that without "reason", she could not forgive. She had given him chance after chance...many, many months in which to come to his senses and decide to be honest. He used that time to "conveniently forget" all the things she had wanted to know. At the time the events were fresh, he claimed he "needed to process" and "figure it out for himself" first. Now, when the memories had faded sufficiently, he "earnestly" told her, he could not remember...and gave no reason why, except that "his memory doesn't work that way". He, himself, did not know why he didn't remember. This revelation saddened the girl....without her answers, she knew herself incapable of forgiveness, and moving on. The man berated her for needing the answers. He called "foul" everytime she asked about things, and was frustrated with his non cooperation. He told her it was "unproductive" to yell and insult him, and would not get her what she wanted.
The girl felt out of options. She had given this faithless lover every opportunity for which he'd asked....and more. She never deserted him all the while he continued to make her sorry she had ever heard his name. She tried to tell him of her inability to get past the unanswered past....but he scoffed at her, and felt she was too picky. He accused her of WANTING him to leave her, when she was trying her damndest to work things out.
He has refused to do the things that are neccesary...and refuses still, though he calls it "inability". And here she sits...no closer to her "answers", which she feels is a very small price for him to pay for his indiscretions. She sits....cries.....and waits.............................................................to no avail.
lonesurvivor 51-55, F 4 Responses 3 Oct 31, 2011