Indelible Memories

Requited love for me is like wishing I had wings.
Impossible, but hoping one day I just might have it. 
I have been experiencing unrequited love for all of my life. 
Sure, some may say I'm only '20' but the thing is it hurts so bad when you are attracted to someone whom doesn't feel the same way about you, or has already someone on his mind. 
I remember vividly the heart pounding feeling, my heart was bursting with joy whenever I was with him. Talking, laughing. He always could make me laugh, even at my lowest. We became really good friends. 
Then, I began to hope. 
Hoping I can say, crushes me. 
Hoping brings me to a highest point, when he smiles his secret smile that only I know what it means, his hand grabbing mine when we're crossing the road, his jacket he pulls over my shoulders when I'm cold, his jacket he pulls over my head to shelter me while he walks in the rain getting drenched, the way he looks at me with his brown eyes, the songs he sends me to cheer me up, the jokes, the long heartfelt conversations
I remember, every moment. 
And then, while I start to think maybe, just maybe he would feel the same for me, out of the blue he tells me, 'I'm in love.' 
Just for a moment I think: could there be a chance it is me?
But deep down I know it isn't.
His eyes, his smile tells it all. 
So I say, with a smile I hope was genuine, 'that's great!' 
But then again deep down I know it's not, deep down I'm numb with shock with the inevitable pain stringing along.  
Again, the self pity starts, I tell myself: of course he won't love you, who am I to think he'll love you? He's got it all, do you think someone like that could ever like someone like you? Guys whom you've had feelings for didn't want you, what makes you think this time will be any different? You're not suited for love, just don't. 
Hope then finally crushes me at the rock bottom, again. 
Except this time the fall was faster, higher. 
Till I don't think I'll be able to recover from all these broken bones. 
I feel like right now I need to barricade my heart to emotion, so I feel numb, so I won't be able to feel, won't be prone to attraction, infatuation and then love.
So I won't get my heartbroken. 
So I won't be pining for someone I can't have. 
So I can be happy. 
I want to be happy. 
I want to concentrate on things that I can achieve, things that reward me when I put in the effort.
And not based on these intangible feelings. 
Perhaps for that to happen, love is really not for me. 
Indeliblememories Indeliblememories
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

I must say, you write and express yourself very beautifully!
I know how you feel, for I have recently joined the "broken hearts club" for the first time. I too have felt that requited love must not be for me, and that I want to be numb forevermore. I pray that Jesus will help you through this hard time.