Probably The First Guy And Last.....pt. 2.

[Continued]

He got mad at me and made me feel even worse.... I didn't speak to him for months and when he would talk to me, I would ignore him. I really wanted to talk to him, though but felt like I couldn't because he supposedly was with someone... So one time, he comes in the chatroom and says, "so what's up with you...you're different with me....how come you won't talk to me?" I just told him why did he want me talking to him....I said I wouldn't talk to him cause then his gf would get mad....and he laughed and said he didn't have a gf. I called him a liar and he said well, I did but I broke up with her. I said congratulations...and he kept trying to talk to me. He kept the conversation going....and he asks, "so you still like me?" I said I don't know but truth was I loved him! He's all like, "you know you like me, too!!!" I couldn't help smiling when he typed that...so I ask him, "well, do you like me?" He immediately replies, "yeah"......and my heart beated super fast and I was so happy to know that. It made me feel all crazy inside. :-) I just told him, okay cool. Lol...

My love for him grew stronger days by days...every time that I'd see him online, my heart would race. It took my breath away and I would get goosebumps. This happened all the time when he would be online! :-) It was weird but I loved the feeling it gave me.... We would chat for hours. He would flirt with me. Told me sweet things and shared music with me. He told me personal stories about his life. He even told me that he trusted me. I was surprised at how much attention he was giving me! For once in my life, I felt really special. :-) He was it for me. I was hooked.....I just wished we were together in real life. He's all I would think about, seriously....but I was kind of afraid of what I was feeling cause it meant that I could get hurt, too. And, I did. Many times.....
      
What I hated the most about him was that he was a big flirt. He would flirt with other girls while I was in the same chatroom. -.- I would leave because it made me feel kinda sad. I would go days without talking to him and sometimes ignored him cause I felt hurt. One time he asks me, "so why are you ignoring me?!?!" I replied, 'why do you want to talk to me? Don't you have other girls you want to talk to?' He would plss me off sometimes....so he says no and that he only wants to talk to me. There were other guys in the chat and one guy told me,"don't fall for him. He tells the same thing to other girls." I'm like, "yeah, no shît....I've noticed." So Mr. 'Lovely" over here just continues to chat with me....and I question if he truly likes me or is playing with me..he says he does like me because I'm different than any girl he's known. In my head, I'm like.....yeah, yeah bullshît. It's like when we're just chatting alone he's different with me and when he's on the chatroom he talks to me all differently...like if I'm just a friend. But we liked each other so much more than that....or so I thought. Yeah, there would be times where I loved him and other times where I hated him but not actually "hated" him...I couldn't hate him, I only said that cause I would get upset. The way he made me feel was great. Amazing. I felt important to someone and other times I felt like nothing special.... It hurt to love him.

Yes, my love for him grew stronger and stronger. That I decided not to let him know of what I felt about him, anymore...because I felt like he wasn't worth knowing my strong feelings cause I knew he'd hurt me over and over again. He would give me mixed signals....at one point, he's all over me and other times he's talking to me like I'm just one of his buddies. I didn't get it... It hurt to talk to him like I was just a friend to him, too. I loved him so much and I couldn't even tell him. He only told me he loved me, once. But, I feel that maybe he just said that cause he was drunk... That conversation was weird cause he said that he had came back from a club or party and he got in a fight with someone...that he had his blood on his clothes and shoes....and he says he's going to sleep. He tells me, "I love you" and "I'll be dreaming of you". I took it like he meant it. But in reality it feels like he didn't... After all those conversations we had, it was the same almost every day. He had a gf like every 2 or 3 months...that meant so many heartbreaks for me. It hurt to see that. I was just hurting myself by being so curious... and, then this other time he tells me.."I hate you!!!" I ask him, why...like what did I do?! He tells me, "you were supposed to be mine!!!"....I go..."..." "You don't mean that" He's like, "we're supposed to be together!" And, I go..."how can you say that?" You have a gf!"....You see what I mean? This guy was all random! I didn't get him, sometimes...

It was like that...he just couldn't be alone, he always had to have a girl. I remember one time, he told me..."If you were with me, I'd stop all that" "I'd leave all that for you." I believed him. I always felt that we were meant to be together. Somehow, I felt that he loved me the same as I loved him...deep down, I really felt that way about it. Everytime I think about him, I get all teary eyed because it's crazy how much I loved him and I wish I had someone now to feel that way about...but I doubt that will ever happen again. I miss how it feels to have such strong feelings of love towards someone. It's an incredible feeling. I miss it.

Anyway, the end of this all was when he told me he was going to be a father. That was like a million shots to my heart....I was depressed after he told me, it was it...it was over. I had to get over him, I couldn't get in the way of him, anymore. It was enough. It hurt to let go....but somehow, I got over him and I was free from all the hurt. I felt relieved. It's weird, though...how it happened. But, I'm happy it's over. I won't forget him, though. I won't ever forget how I felt for him....

Later on, I found out he wasn't with his baby's mother anymore. And, he tried to get with me but I said I didn't have feelings for him...we still talked as friends he would try to cross the line, asking me if I still liked him as something more, I said no. I admit, I still felt my heart racing when he would talk to me....that never went away. Hm, I don't know what that meant but it makes me smile. Lol... I lost contact with him, since last year. He still keeps going out with other girls and later breaking up with them...it seems he hasn't found real love, yet... All I ever wanted for him is to find love and happiness. I remember the last conversation we had, he wasn't so happy...he asked for forgiveness, I don't know for what but I could relate to him. We were kinda similar in some ways...but I hope he does find what he's been looking for.

Sometimes, I like to think I was suppposed to be a part of the reason for his happiness...maybe that's why he has been out with so many girls cause he hasn't found the one he could relate to or feel happy with. That was suppposed to be me, maybe. Maybe if we were together, I'd be happier....but it's too late... I would've risked myself to be with the one I loved even if it hurt but again, far too late. Feelings have changed. I had a dream about him, this year...we were laying in bed, together playing online games...I kissed his cheek and he put his arm around me. I was so happy and in love with him in that dream that I could feel it! We were both so happy in love....but it was all a dream. I still wonder what that dream meant.... Too late. The end.
Greench Greench
22-25, F
Dec 9, 2012