I Picked the Wrong Men For Me

Do you ever look back on a relationship and wonder just what YOU did wrong? Do you think If I just did this or keep hangig around things will change? That is the sort of frustration I have felt, I now know which types of men to avoid.

 Along time ago I was a teen who had left home so lets start there. Clearly I had  low self esteem at this point, dealing with the normal teen anx and leaving a particularly difficult situaton at home. So here is the mind set way back then, I felt if my own mother couldnt love me then what guy would.

Now understand something here. we build our own self into what we percieve others think,or at least what WE think they think. Enter Guy #1. I met him through a mutual friend of ours in this new town where I had moved and was going to school. He was a few years older than I he was a bit shy and quiet he also didn't have much confidence in himself. This is where I got into trouble. imagine I thought I could give him confidence and make him feel wanted !(personally in retrospect I think that I wanted him to do that for me. but mine was a nobel cause!) So anyway we dated he began telling me that his family excluded him and he felt that he didnt belong, also that he wasnt very popular in school. My heart string went TWANG in fact it played a whole symphony! And so we dated for 2 years we eventually married now I was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend which I don't nessessarly think is a bad thing However, it may not be the wisest thing to do. I was 18 and he was 22 when we married. Now don't misunderstnd me at this point I am not a bitter ex wife here,  although I divorced him after many years and three kids later I  wouldnt ever be in a relationship with him again but I still care about him as a person.

Some of the signs:No self confidence,low self esteem.blames others, Never happy no matter how hard you try for them.

example #1. About a year after we were married  he stopped talking to me, when I inquired what was wrong he wouldn't say, he would just tell me to think about what I had done. OK so what did I do?? I am racking my brains out, Did I say or do the wrong thing? did I forget something important? Still nothing came to mind so again I inquired,still no answer ok now we are into a week! and I am going absolutely crazy I am feeling guilty although I don't know from what or why. Week 2 arrives Ok now I am mad! if it was that bad why not tell me! I have already asked to the point of pleading to be told  how bad I was. ( This is not how you are supposed to feel) So finally I took the attitude ok If he is not going to tell me I am not going to plead to be told! ok you guessed it after playing mouse with me for two weeks, when I wouldn't play anymore, he told me why he was made at me! And here is the reason, I suffered from guilt and anxitey for two weeks... I didn't make out a grocery list. Now at this point I couldn't believe it! I am a woman I was thinking I must have done something bad for him not to talk to me for two weeks, but here it was, I didn't mae out a grocery list. If you do the weekly shopping for just the two of you, you pretty much know what you normally get. A list was  just not needed, BUT ok from now on I have a list. See now I am trying to be the wife he wants me to be.

Making decisions : Can he make decisions and stick to it? This is one thing I make sure I notice now! ok so we need a car, fisrt his dad pointed out the car in other words his  Dad picked out the car, This is not a bad thing especially if you are not car saavy. His  dad took him over the car and pointed out the things that you should look for ect. We buy the car, after he made the deal and the three buisness days have passed then he wonders if he should have bought this. It also held true for a vaccume cleaner, a swingset and many other items. This becomes a lot more difficult as the years go by. Okay by now we are married for 9 years do you remember me saying in the beginning we were each others first? now comes the time when decision making is not only important but critical. What do you do when  other women find you attractive? It is flattering no doubt, But here in lies the problem a man who can't decide. so Here is the thing I talked and I don't mean I nagged or yelled at least not at the beginning anyway. I talked about the advances she was giving him and I explained how It made me feel .when he didn't try to thwart her off and basically tell her he wanted me. So  there it was, I asked him one night who he wanted . His answer to me was he didn't know. Now I could beg and plead at this point, offer counseling( which I did) Or give him the chance once again to decide. He wouldn't decide. That left the decision up to me,and so I told him that If he left the decision up to me that I was going to leave. Guess what? He left the desision up to me. we have been divorced now for 25 years and since then every woman he has been with he has "traded" for someone else!

Guy #2  Ok so I had been on my own now for about 6 years raisin three small children and working full time. I had bought a small house and was doing ok Not terrific, but doing ok. I met a man who also had become divorced his wife left him for another man and was one of those nasty ex wives.  Now most men will be on thier best  game for at least 6 months that is the standard rule or something I think is written in THE MAN BOOK. So here we are first he comes across as a caring man I mean I have three little ones! So fter dating about 6 months he wants to talk about moving in. Ok I am thinking  this is great. After discussing this and agreeing he tells me the next week that maybe we should put the relationship on "The Back Burner" for now. Ok I said. I am thinking Mabey he is getting scared so we "cool down" for awhile. Well I had applied for a buisness certificate to open my own greenhouse and had got it and was making plans for opening soon, You guessed it he as ready now, for that commitment. ( hindsight is 20/20) It really didn't occur to me at the time how conveint his timing was.He decided to leave after 10 years. any way after losing evrything I had worked hard for I know now the types of men to avoid.

So am I Thinking all men are alike? definately not! There are alot of good men out there . Sadly though it takes men like these to make it harder for other men to find women out there who don't have trust issues. But  The thing I have laerned is You have to pay attention to details and  know that everyone including yourself deserves someone who will treat you kind and with love and also expect you to do the same for them.

windy windy
46-50, F
4 Responses Apr 9, 2007

Hey please! Can u text me I have a question for u please I need help

That reminds me of this book I read called Miss Typed

You have some excellent insights into how human psychology works. Far too often we simply project outwards what is in ourselves and completely fail to see what is really there. Once that happens, it's impossible to see what's going on with the other person, regardless of what sort of man that person is. And I also agree with you about your points on Not Great Men. In fact, so much so, I think I'll write a story too!

My last relationship sounds like the second one you mentioned. Fortunatley for me I had learned the hard way from another man I lived with who ran me deep in debt and moved out of state. So with this last one I took things slow. He asked me to marry him and give up my apartment just 2 months into dating him. I told him I wasn't ready. We continued to date for over 2 years and he put constant pressure on me to give up my job, my apartment and move in with him. I found out that he was very financially unstable, had horrible credit, owed all the utility companies money and couldn't get these things turned on in his name. See he was living with some elderly family members while we were dating and he made out like he was paying them rent and helping them out financially. Turns out he wasn't even paying them rent and had been sponging off them for 7 years! I broke up with him and I thank god I followed my instincts and did not move in with him. Since we broke up he was kicked out of where he was living they finally told him he had to leave and he got an apartment somehow and met a girl from out of state through a dating service and moved her in after only knowing her for 2 months.