Discovered This Once Upon My Journey

Now I understand the phrase: The truth is not always kind.
Truth and time have a lot in common in that regard.


I am a 30-something year old, pot-smoking, can’t-get-it-together-enough-to-afford-a-divorce divorcee trying to look like a cross between a real woman, Monica Bellucci-style, and a young **** star, afraid that her arthritic hands will soon resemble the exposed roots of a gnarled old tree. I discovered this 5 minutes ago when I was applying lip-plumping gloss under the glare of harsh bathroom lights. I had a puff, then BAM! I am a 30-something-year old, pot-smoking, can’t get-it-together-enough-to-afford-a-divorce divorcee trying to look like a cross between a real woman Monica Bellucci-style, and a young pornstar, afraid that her arthritic hands will soon resemble the exposed roots of a gnarled old tree.


I felt compelled to do something – to prove that this naked truth was, in-fact, a paranoid devil-voice brought on by a bad Setiva-blend. Up until that point, I believed myself to be a beautiful woman, living a semi-glamorous life in Venice Beach, dating a gorgeous blue-eyed Australian. I couldn't clear my head enough to wrap it around these thoughts, so I had another puff.


My past doesn’t look too good on paper, but to look at me, without over-analyzing, one would simply think, what a beautiful young woman.


I thought this made me a beautiful young woman.


Letting people know my real age, while somehow maintaining a youthful energy - this somehow made me feel mysterious and provocative. I believed that I had an inner glowing light that emanated from my very core. It felt so large and liquid, I thought everyone must be able to see it – to feel it pouring out of me. I never felt quite on the same wavelength with those around me. Even at a very young age, I understood that I was alone telling jokes that only I thought were funny. I often thought that I was from another planet because growing up as a half-Japanese girl in the Midwest, I didn't look like anyone else, either.


When other kids my age were thinking about where they wanted to go to school or who they wanted to marry, I was wondering if it was possible to bend matter – to bend life, to actually think the path I wanted to follow into being. All I had to do was take a trusting step forward. I went to University, listened to the voices inside my head, listened to the voices outside of my head, fell off the path, stumbled back on, and accidentally opened my eyes a few times causing me to come to a crushing halt, paralyzed by fear.


I want to be able to say that I was detail-oriented – I always wrote in my resume that I was, but I admit, it wasn’t true. I do understand, now, how frustrating that can be for others around me, but back then, it seemed the more I struggled to see inward, the more blind I became to those around me. Hopelessly unaware of the pain I caused others, especially in the realm of love, I marched forward following my intuition assuming those around me were doing the same.


It always confused me when a suitor didn’t take it well when I thought we weren’t compatible. I thought if I felt it to be so, surely he must feel it too.


The movies that play in my head are constant. It’s not uncommon, therefore, for my sight to be filled by things that no one else sees. It’s also not uncommon for me to trip and fall over things that everyone but me can see.


I believe my boyfriend 100% when he tells me that his father took them from his mother when he was very young, and that he was physically abused by him. I believe him when he tells me that since childhood he has been visited by aliens, that he meditated in the caves of Sedona, where he was visited by more aliens and a shaman. I believe him when he says that he spent weekends at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch as a friend of one of the first of the children implicated in the scandals. I believe that he accompanied this boy world-wide (the boy's mother wanted to date him, and used him as a guardian for the boy on trips when she couldn't go) when he choreographed concerts, but grew bored with it, being so much older than everyone around him, and having no patience for the superficial discoveries of young, wealthy, corporate-made superstars. I believe him when he says he was charged with beating his ex-girlfriend in Australia when he was in his 20's, and that he didn’t do it, but was forced to leave the country or they would lock him up. I believe him 100% when he tells me that he loves me and wants only me for the rest of his life.


He doesn’t look too good on paper either, but I believe him because to look at him, without over-analyzing, one would simply think, what a beautiful man.


With each tick of our biological clock, a light reaches down, illuminating the photo albums of our minds. The memories we thought important to take with us, and others more important, but obscured by emotional armor, resurrect themselves, re-ignited by the light of our inner-consciousness. Everything we thought we knew disappears as truth is revealed by the naked bulb of time.


For a moment, we are forced to look in the mirror and see not our ideal selves, but instead, what we have become. This is life. This is aging. Who we are is tested and defined by how we react to those moments.

dreamificational dreamificational
36-40, F
2 Responses Jan 8, 2010

Fear really is why so many people are afraid at looking at the reflection. And for those who do see others for who they are, more than the others see themselves, it's extremely frustrating. No one wins with denial, I think.<br />
But this is a brilliantly written epiphany. I enjoy the way you look at both sides, break it down, while still maintaining a certain style that draws the reader in.<br />
And that's beautiful that you are unfrozen now. Keep moving forward.

Ha - the aging doesn't bother me. It's the knowledge that I lived a good portion of my life frozen in fear. Luckily, this was written a few years ago, and it was this moment of looking in the mirror that unfroze me. This little bit I wrote reminds me to keep moving forward. I'm glad you're back in my life, BB. Makes taking those steps forward much more fun.