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Remissionem-

I was so young
I remember that quite clearly
I didn't give a damn about boys-
None interested me
The only boy who ever
caught my eye
was
You
(une copine's
petite ami)
She was so in love with you
And you were so bored
with her
(I knew you too well
Already)
I thought why?
Had to ask her-
Why care so much about someone
who cared so little about you?

And one day I almost screamed at her
She took my phone to text you
Every reply was one word-
(You were such a ****)
But she kept texting,
Texting, texting-
Are you kidding me?
I took my phone
Sent you threatening texts
-If you don't stop texting her one word replies
I'm going to beat you up-
She forced a smile
(prepared to email you an apology for my behavior
I'd bet a million dollars)
I waved a goodbye
Pity in my eyes

Distracted-
my phone beeped:
"Where?"
I had to laugh
-School parking lot-
"How?"
Who asks that?
-I'll punch you, maybe kick you a little-
"I don't know how I feel about that."
I covered my giggle with a hand
Then rested it on my heart

We never stopped texting after that
Remember?
And I swore I still didn’t care
(But I did)
And she noticed
and you noticed.

You broke up
At my party
I remember hugging her
in my short skirt
wishing-praying- she couldn't see
the look in my eyes
I remember
Ignoring you
What could I say
That wouldn’t give me away?

The next part is hard to remember
We went to movies (not dates)-
with my sister and best friend
(Chaperones?)-
Then you dropped hints
Who do you like?
became a question
I had to dodge daily
And for some reason
I wanted to run in the other direction

I never did anything
It was the summer before high school
and I stopped texting you
"Did I do something wrong?"
It almost killed me but I shut the phone
and remembered-

I was at my locker when I heard her
"I don't know what happened.
He's completely different now-
he swears constantly and he never used to swear
(I swear all the time-
Please don't be talking about me)
It's like she changed him"
(Yep that's me)

And it was nothing
you swearing?
No one cares
Except I did
I remember you were perfect
I remember that quite clearly
how you used to cover your mouth with two hands
when you laughed
how you used to stare with those baby blue eyes
like I was something-
something to look at-
someone to hope for-
and that's exactly it

You were so innocent
and I was hurting you-
(going to hurt you)
I'd be gone so soon
What a month? Two maybe?
I couldn't change you----
 
We both know that’s not the reason
You know me too well
Still

Would you like to know why?

Because I would fall for you
(Already had)
And you’d get bored
And leave me
(You’d leave me)
Alone
Alone to wish
To beg
To hope
That I could go back to this moment
And never let you in

So I just ignored you-
completely erased you from my mind-

Except I always think about you

(And I know I always will)


Can you forgive me?
waiting8 waiting8 18-21, F May 4, 2012

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