To My Most Recent Ex.

I still think about you way too often. You would think that since I had gone through all this before, it would be easier. You would think since I knew it was coming for so long I would have accepted it and moved on by now, but I can't. You would think the fact that you cheated on me, got some girl pregnant,  and didn't even have the nerve to tell me yourself would be enough to make me hate you. You would think... but see, I don't know what you think. I have no idea. That's part of the problem.

I should get rid of the damn blanket, but I can't. I still use it. I hated when I had to wash it for the first time since you left. It doesn't smell like you anymore. I never did tell you that that's why I took it, although I'm pretty sure you knew that.

I think the hardest part of it all is the memories. Those random, odd memories that seem to creep up out of nowhere, with no relation to the current time, and hit me so hard it's like I can't breathe. I remember one time you came over, before you moved in. You were tired, so we ended up on the couch me sitting down and you laying with your head in my lap. You were half asleep, and somebody came in noisily, as they almost always do in my house. You looked up and said something to me, but I didn't hear a word of it because I was too busy looking at your face. Apparently what you said had been a question, because you were looking up at me like you were waiting for an answer. I said the only thing I could think of at the time, which was "I love you". You laughed, gave me that smile- god, that smile I really shouldn't be thinking about this. It's not making it any better- and told me you loved me too.

I remember how you used to introduce me to your friends as your "baby mama", which is ironic now, but at the time I found it embarassing and sweet at the same time. And the way you'd be talking to someone else, and slowly keep looking at me, and then eventually just stop in the middle of the sentence and tell me you love me. We all talked like me and you were gonna get married- me, you, your friends, even your mom and my parents. We all believed it. Well, except for you, apparently.

You might be hearing from my family soon. My dad is pretty pissed about the car battery. Maybe we'll just go over to your mom's house. It's been forever since I've seen your little sister. I bet she misses me. I love how she considered me more of a family member than you.

Oh, and whatever happens, no way are you ever getting the game back. It's mine now.

garbanzobean garbanzobean
22-25, F
4 Responses Feb 20, 2009

i love the way you write. it is so vivid and filled with emotion. i remember last year, when my ex disappeared out of my life for 3 months, and i hadn't heard a word from him, memories would creep up on me and then slam into me like a freight train; the crash so strong it took my breath away as well. i remember enough times choking back tears in public because the memories kept haunting me. anyway, he came back and that's another story, but i really liked this story of yours. hopefully things have improved.

I love your story and I can relate..hope it gets easier dear..although I would give him his game had some cds of my ex's when we broke up and I returned warmed my heart cause I knew he really appreciated it

It might. But I get the feeling that it wouldn't help anything.

Perhaps the person this is intended for, should see it. It might make them think about what they have done.