Can't Take It Anymore!


When She sleeps next to him, she is always facing him. When he gets up and leaves for work, i took his place, she continued to sleep, only she turned her back to me.

He is my father, she is my mother, and i was four years old, and this is perhaps one of my earliest memories in life.

today i am almost 24, and all my life i have been missing something, missing a touch a hug an affectionate look from people, especially women, my father wasn't that affectionate as well, he was abscent all the time, but in the rare occasions when he was around he would either be very affectionate or very violent, there was never a balance with him, my mum whome i adore is also a very nervous person, she is nice though and loving i just know it that she loves me, and until today i ask her daily if she loves me and she answers yeah but without thinking, but she nver took the time or thought to kiss or hug me, and i always felt she ddt really like physical contact with me, even though i am her only daughter.

she pulls away sometimes , she needs her space. i used to think that if i had a sister maybe i can crawl up in her bed and lay there next to her and she could hug me and be there for me.

i know it sounds so pathetic, is just that lately its been so hard for me and every day it gets harder that i cant really ask for affection from my friends it scares me , i cant just ask for a hug or simply reach out for one, and the need of the physicl affection itself is scaring me, its growing, its giving me physical pain, actual physical pain and need.

I dont know what to do, i cant even see two friend, or a mother and daughter hugging on tv without crying and feeling that same pain.....

it sucks, and i think it never ends.

Catherine1212 Catherine1212
22-25, F
Mar 8, 2010