Mostly, Not Sometimes

The main reason I usually lack motivation boils down to one thing. I'm thankful beyond words for friends - offline or here on EP. But I've been trying my entire life, from as far back as I can remember, which was before I turned two, only a short number of months after my mother died of cancer (I have no memories of mom, God rest her soul). But I've always been nice to others, wanting nothing more than to be treated nice in return. But ever since the beatings started when I was four years old, accompanied by no love, verbal and emotional abuse, and surrounded by an atmosphere of not being wanted immediately following the birth of my father's and stepmother's first baby, no matter how hard I've tried, how well I've done, how much I've accomplished, and how hard I've worked, I've been knocked down, spit on, stepped all over, used, abused, and discarded so much and so often that whatever motivation I once perhaps had, has been all used up. All they taught in school was that you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. Throughout my entire childhood upbringing from age four all I ever tried to do was to love and have that love returned in my immediate family, and that never happened. Throughout thirty years of working hard, honestly, faithfully, above and beyond what was required of me, and being kind to and helping fellow employees and supervisors in the police department in which I was employed, except for the small number of people who were truly nice people, my kindness was always treated as weakness, my honesty and integrity and lack of greed and selfishness and meanness brought me nothing but scorn and being viewed and treated like a traitor to the "long blue line", an enemy to the fellowship of the brotherhood, a pariah left out of the dominant camaraderie I longed so much to be a part of. And now that I've breathed that long sought and hard earned sigh of relief that retirement brought me, i can't even enjoy these years as I should. My very modest monthly pension check allows me to live just a few degrees above poverty level. I lost my part-time job after my older high-mileage vehicle was repossessed for late payments, leaving me without a needed mode of transportation. And all this deprivation because my stepmother, with the enabling of my father, bled me dry of the money I worked hard to earn that would've been my retirement savings. I'm not crying to anyone. It wouldn't do me any good if I was. I'm only writing this to finally "put on paper" the burden that's weighed me down and drained me of motivation for all these years - all my life except for the first four years. And maybe it'll help a few of you to be thankful for blessings and bounties you've taken for granted, or just haven't been as thankful for as you should be. A question often asked by professionals in psychiatric medicine, and posited here on EP is, "Have you ever contemplated suicide?" Yes, when I was ten and eleven or so years old, to escape the hell of my father and stepmother. The only thing that kept me from taking my own life then was my fear of and aversion toward physical pain; I didn't know of a painless way to end my life. And after about five or six years in the rank and file of the profession I'd chosen, mainly because I believed it to be an honorable one, to escape the isolation and feeling of being alone amongst many that I had to endure every day I went to work, with no hope of financial aid if I left that job nor skill to seek another of commensurate pay and medical benefits. The only thing that kept me from ending my life with a firearm then was a small measure of hope that if I stuck it out, the slim but existent chance to feel better about living would replace my overwhelming desire not to live. And the only things that imparted in me that small ray of hope was seeing a few people I admired, such as veteran newsman and "60 Minutes" reporter Mike Wallace talk frankly about their own lack of desire to go on living and how they sought and received help to relieve their severe depression through prescribed psychiatric medication, and Mike Wallace emphatically told his television listeners to not surrender hope because relief from depression could be successfully had with the right medication.
eleanorssong eleanorssong
56-60, F
2 Responses Nov 19, 2011

miss Elliegirl,<br />
we have so much in commion . my life was the same no matter what i did it never seemed to be<br />
good enough . I fell down so much by my parents knocking me down . I dont know where my drive comes from but I keep dusting off my buuttt and get back up for another round . both my parents are gone (rip) there are some days i just dont want to breath . but the breath always comes . we've had to fight i mean fight till our fingers bleed . some times parents try to give you the guilt shame becalse they just dont know how to love us. my mother i know for a fact she didnt love me i always felted she only said i love you karla just becalse i said it first her actions said Karla I hate you ,when she would beat me . you are such a blessing ellie some of the kindest words you've written to me , your a joy and you dont see it but i do . all ive got to say to your parents is shame on them for not seeing the treasure that god made you. and rip to your parents . the parents that shame us try to kill our human sprit and they try and try . but we are winners and we will get up!! lady you may be a bit down but darlin your not out nor i am i . we will get back up! so look out ! here we come

i know i'm not the only one. thank you, precious girl.

elliegirl it is not hard to imagine the life in which you discribe but at the same time hard to figure why or how you were not able to change the set pattern. find a way to look outside of where you are example go back to school take some classes that give you a leg up, find a positive motivater for your self dont look to people for it. it will never come. you have done this with all you have acheived. look at where you live and how to find areas that promote not demote a person. it is hard to look in every door but i have found that just because some one says there is nothing behind door one or two does not mean there is not a three. get into a senior program fifty and older is in that age group. you will be surprised at what might be offered. thru grants and such that just might give you that extra. but you have to look behend that door you didnt think was ever there. sorry for the run of hard luck losing your only transpertation is hard. <br />
i have to asked why did you allow your family to continue to bleed you even after you realized what they were. just courise for i learn early to watch and see who and what my family were and what motivated there actions.

thats another long story for another time. but as a woman whose husband abused her for ten years told me when i asked, because she had no place else to go, no means to get there, and no self-esteem to motivate. and thank you for your always wise and experienced advice.