I Believe It Will Be Better Someday

There is so little I can do. I'm constant burden to everyone around me, as cliché as it sounds. They are helping me know, but how long that will last when I can't do anything to pay them back?

I have recognized two reactions to the feeling of futility within myself, depending on whether I'm around other people or not. I don't want to go outside those days at all, because it feels like everyone I see hates me, or at its best wishes me to be somewhere else. I get apologetic to those stares and sneers, whether they are work of my imagination or not, and hurry away from everyone. When I can't do that, I just stare a at my feet and wish I was invisible.

When I'm on my own it get better. I still think (acknowledge?) I'm lesser in worth than people around me, but I feel more calm about it. I believe that if I work hard enough and achieve my goals, no one has a reason to sneer at me anymore. I will become useful, and if I'm useful it doesn't matter if I'm stupid, cruel or other nasty thinks. No one can disagree to my useful existence.

Yes. Nice logic. In the end I truly believe that this is my way of achieving happiness. Not by help from others, not by doing a mystic journey to 'find myself'. If I work hard enough, I'll be happy.

As long as I remember I have owned a small, old and colourful book titled "Happiness Quotations: A Collection of Thoughtful Words and Beautiful Paintings". I probably got it as Christmas or birthday present as a kid, I don't remember. However, the insides are just what the title says. I have kept it at hand many years, and skipped through it when I'm feeling down.

In that book are many good quotes I have taken to heart, but my favourite is the following (gone through double translation, though):

"If a man has an important duty and enough time and money to properly accomplish it, he has just the amount of happiness that is good for him." (R.H Tawney)

Maybe I can't ever completely get rid of the feeling of being useless, but if I go with this and all of the help and understanding I have gotten from those around me, I have all the tools I need to live a happy life.
Fearofsilence Fearofsilence
18-21, F
Jul 22, 2010