Choosing The Facade

I always took being happy for granted. I didn't realise until a few years ago that it wasn't free. Sometimes it's so easy to just end your life, and then you think to yourself, what about all the things you were supposed to do? When you hit rock bottom, how do you ever find the way out, without entering an endless depression or in a state of mind where you want to just block out the rest of the world?
Most people see me as friendly and sweet, but they haven't really seen my other side, the depressed and blackened soul of one of their dear friends. Oh no, i am the one who makes the laughter and jokes, always. But if they knew what really lay beneath all that laughter, would they still want to be around me?
It's a sad truth when you realise you are actually in a terrible place really, and no one can see it because your facade of happiness is so infallible that it's completely believable.
Yes you make your own happiness but whether it's real or just fake is part of your choice. I chose to fake it, and i'm so good at it, that nobody questions my inner turmoil or conflict.
I'm so good at pretending that i'm almost fooling myself. Almost. But there will always be those times when i remember and cry and wish to just die. I often think about my death and whether i will be missed. If the people that speak about me at my funeral will be talking of the person they thought they knew, not me.
So i'll fake a smile, bordeline on hysterical laughing, knowing deep down it's just a cover for the pain.
Kdamita Kdamita
22-25, F
3 Responses May 25, 2012

u r really fantastatic writer at young age .i am u r fan amita.u r upset.be calm and be optimistic in the world.

i can relate to this.

Wow, I am so sorry. You are an amazing writer, and I'm also sorry to hear that you're so upset. If you ever need to talk, PM me, okay? I know this may sound strange, but I'm always here for you if you want to vent or something. Stay strong.

Thank you! Really appreciate it :)

That's okay! I'm glad :)