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It's All Up To Me.

On those days, those days where I have crawled back into the hole I've dug up for myself to hide inside when reality hits me as it does so suddenly, I think about all the reasons to why I am so unhappy with myself. With my life.

And it comes down to my lack of strength. My dependence on others for everything. Their approval to make me feel accepted, their compliments for me to feel good about myself, their opinions for me to use to define who I am. I... have completely lost sight of who I am. And so I let others decide for me. But as I've discovered time and time again, letting others decide how you should feel about yourself is like riding a roller coaster of dreams and nightmares. You are not in control, you are just dust in the wind. Going wherever the wind blows you. And happinesss in a life like that is nothing but an illusion. A mirage.

The truth is, I am responsible for my life. People can't make me feel sad or happy or angry. Those are only my reactions to their actions. I have the choice to let it affect me, to let it bring me down. And my problem is that I let it. But it doesn't have to be that way. I can change. I can change my mindset for the better, cry when I want to cry, feel proud of myself because I feel proud of myself, and not because others approve of me, but because I am truly happy with myself.

It takes effort, it takes time, and it sure as hell takes strength. But it's the only way out. You can't depend on others to make you happy because that happiness won't last.

A happiness that lasts comes from within.
precarious precarious 16-17, F Jun 9, 2012

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