Gratitude To My Refuser

I know the title caught your attention...LOL. It was intended to. Why do I have any gratitude to my X refuser? Without having lived with him for over 16 years and been rejected by him for over 12 years I do not think I would have the appreciation for life that I now have. There is so much to life that I would have taken for granted.

What I have gained from my refuser:

The appreciation of a simple look that is full of heat and desire.
The melting sensation from a passionate kiss.
Sharing a private joke.
The excitement from my BFs hands running up and down my body in a caress.
The indrawn breath of his desire from a kiss, lick, nip, nibble or bite.
The fun of planning a weekend getaway.
Anticipation of the end of the day and being in my BF's arms.
Cooking dinner with someone.
Eating a meal and sharing laughter over it.

Simple everyday things have so much value to me now. I did not have any of the above for so long, I hope I never take them for granted. I hope I can value every aspect of life and how sharing it REALLY SHARING it can be so much fun.
sixand0 sixand0
46-50, F
13 Responses Mar 23, 2011

Wow, that really puts things into perspective. You sound like you are healthier now. Good for you!

I think its so sad how many of us are in the same situation! What happened to all those starry eyed dreams and excitment? Are we all so lazy to have become that complacent or let the the situation die? It's really sad for all of us because when fixing it doesnt work, getting out of it isn't easy either! We all need a lil prayer, courage & strength! Passion shouldn't ever die or be ignored...its too important!!!

Thanks for sharing, I have known the feeling you are having. Moving from a bad relationship to a great relationship is such a breath of fresh air.

Cannot remember ever having any of that with my H. Sad but true. I was so stupid.

Great post! I completely agree with what you wrote. Having gone through the utmost pain of a SM, like you, now I appreciate the simplest thing my bf did for me. <br />
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"Simple everyday things have so much value to me now. I did not have any of the above for so long, I hope I never take them for granted"<br />
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This is so so true for me, too. Very well said!

Could someone possibly do a story on the same lines , when you are alone (no BF) and still things look positive?

I was alone for almost a year before meeting my BF. I did have a long distance relationship for a short time, but I still was on my own, essentially, I just had a friend I could bounce ideas off of.
I went to movies and out to eat with just friends or sometimes just by myself because I could. I still can too. I like having the freedom of living by myself and making my own decisions. I love that I don't have to feel stress any longer because I am being constantly rejected.

Ron- I agree, they are all part of a normal relationship. I sometimes wonder if it had always been part of my life if I would have appreciated all the everyday things or just taken them for granted. I have a deeper appreciation for people, not just my BF now that I am out. I think in the future I am going to be less likely to take them for granted too. <br />
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I have found through putting up with a SM that I like who I am now. I accept my strengths and find I am more willing to express myself and speak out when something is bothering me and less likely to accept it as part of "life". It really pushed me out of my shell more and made me less afraid to say when something is not alright. <br />
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So yeah I did not deserve a SM, none of us do, he is an a$$hole, but I no longer have to deal with him and his crap. So it is easier to look back and say I have learned something and I have gratitude for what I have learned. <br />
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So maybe the title should be I am grateful for what I have learned because of my refuser rather than my refuser themselves.

I would not be grateful to your refuser. Everything you listed: " The appreciation of a simple look ..... etc. etc. ...... and sharing laughter over it. " are all part of a normal marriage. <br />
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Being grateful to your refuser for that is like a rape victim being grateful for not being murdered.

Thank you 4 and neuilly. He would have been very happy to have me stay stuck so your right, but having gone through the experience really gave me a greater appreciation for the good things I believe. I have to look at the value or I will just get depressed over the waste of life.

see there is trasure at the end of the is just getting there, that is the problem...<br />
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.and correct...the one you need to thank is YOU..<br />
YOU made it happen..<br />
YOU were the one who helped yourself...<br />
YOU did the work...<br />
and <br />
YOU deserve the credit.

Six, I'm so happy that your life now has the warmth and richness you deserve, and you are so right about the joy that NOT taking these things for granted adds to your life. <br />
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The only thing I disagree with in your story is thanking your refuser. If he'd had his way you would have been miserable for the rest of your life. So the person you should really be thanking is the one who had the strength to plan a life without him, and the guts to make it happen - YOU.

Beautifully said Six! So much here that resonates with me too. I remember as a child and teenager resenting being told "You have to have the lows in life or you won't appreciate the highs". Of course at that age I could not see the sense in that statement . . . But it is SO true!<br />
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It is wonderful to read about your happiness now and how life is full of meaning for you. {{{Hugs}}}

I'm looking forward to that life too!!! :)<br />
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Princess AlmostSingle