I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Has Gone...

You know that song by Johnny Nash? The one with the lyrics "Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind" and "I think I can make it now the pain is gone? Well, that's exactly how I feel right now, and yes indeed, "It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day"!

I left my 18 year sexless marriage because 1) My former husband had refused to seek professional help for his many emotional issues, 2) He had refused me sexually and had rejected my sexual advances for years and had not given any reasons for doing so, 3) He had known for years that his lack of sexual intimacy had made me sad, confused, anxious and frustrated...and yet he did nothing to end my suffering, 4) His selfish behavior and lack of care for me (his wife whom he vowed to love, honor and cherish) had finally forced me to fall out of love with him, and 5) I realized that I had the right to live my own life. I realized (remembered) that life and love are too precious to settle for less. I had to love my self, save my sanity, and break the dysfunctional cycle of a sexless marriage.

It's one year and 4 months later and my divorce was finalized two weeks ago. I'm still dealing with grief, still have unanswered questions and no sense of closure, and am still amazed that my former husband actually still believes that I gave him "no inkling at all" that I was going to leave him. This baffles me as know that I had said over and over for many years, "I cannot live like this", "I don't know what's wrong", "Please see a doctor or a therapist...I'll go with you, I'll make the appointment, I'll support you, I just want you to get well", "I don't know what to do...I'm miserable...I can't stand this", and "I don't want to live in a sexless marriage...something is very, very wrong...don't you want to have a good life together?", "Are you gay?", "Are you seeing another woman?", "Why aren't you attracted to me anymore?". With those things said he should have had afucking inkling. Seriously, if a spouse tells their spouse that they are making them absolutely miserable and the other spouse is STILL not motivated enough to at least TRY to make things better, then shame on them; they should care enough about their spouse, they should love them, treat them with respect, and they are stupid if they don't have "an inkling" that their spouse is not going to just sit back and do nothing and choose to remain in a dysfunctional, sexless, unloving marriage.

So yes, I'm out of the marriage and yes, I still am learning from my experience and still have questions; HOWEVER, I'm personally in a much better state of mind now.  I've been honest with myself and have learned from my mistakes.  I've also allowed myself to grieve, to reflect and to heal...these are on-going for as long as it takes.  I'm also in a much healthier, mature, loving, respectful, fun and sexually intimate relationship now with a REAL MAN where trust, respect and honest communication are the foundations. And our sex life rocks because we share true love for each other.

I can share with you two crucial thoughts on surviving a sexless marriage:

  • In order to break free from the endless cycle; the emotionally abusive, truly dysfunctional situation which is a sexless marriage, you must learn to LOVE YOUR SELF. If you don't, you will continue to waste your life, continue to endure unfair, undeserved treatment from your spouse, and you will continue to hope against hope that things will get better. Things won't get better unless your 'Refuser" accepts responsibility and acts on it to improve the marriage. Marriage takes work, but it should not be a one-sided relationship with only one spouse doing all the work. Marriage should be the one thing which makes all of life's other things worthwhile; not be the source of pain and suffering with other things in life being an escape from it. A marriage should be a happy thing to look forward to each and every day; not be the cause of anxiety, frustration, hurt, sadness, confusion, disappointment and resentfulness.
  • You must LOVE YOUR SELF in order to love anyone else. If you leave your marriage, it's imperative that you learn from the experience so that you don't repeat the same scenario. Yes, your spouse was a refuser and they hurt you unfairly, but for some reason you stayed and let yourself be subjected to it for a certain amount of time. If you reflect on what went wrong, what your spouse did wrong and also what you did wrong, you might learn what your role was. You may have been an enabler, you may have let yourself be a doormat, you may have not spoken up for yourself, you may have not been able to accept the truth. Whatever reasons you had for staying, you might learn that you need to love your self a little more and have more respect for your self. You owe this to yourself. If you do this; learn what your role was, you AND your next partner will certainly benefit from it because you won't be repeating the same behaviors. You will stand up for what you believe in, you will value your own beliefs, and you will not settle for less. Your next partner will be able to love the real you and will respect that you are a whole person who has lived and has learned and not just moved on to another person. I think not learning from mistakes and not taking any responsibility for the marriage breakdown are why the statistics show that 2nd marriages fail so often; people probably fall into the same cycle of behaviors they had in their previous marriages.
 I'm not a psychologist or a doctor or a therapist; I'm really not an opinionated person at all. I'm just stating my opinions here as a person who has not only survived a sexless marriage but has also thrived after doing so. My personal journey has not been an easy one; emotionally or financially, but I love my self and I'm loving my new man completely which is so easy because he's so incredibly loveable!, and I'm enjoying my life and living it the way I have always wanted: To love others with an open heart, to give love to-and to receive love from-a real man, and to LIVE my life and not just EXIST.

Please listen to the song I've attached.  Hopefully you, too, will be able to "Look straight ahead, [and see] there's nothing but blue sky". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HagzTRmUBIE&feature=related
41-45, F
1 Response Apr 17, 2011

Thanks. You gave me hope.