There Is Life After "death" .....

Well, I did not leave, I was asked to leave ...... here is my story ....

** Although there is a lot of "I" here ... remember that it was all in the interests of the "us/we" ... which, ultimately, was the undertaking we took when committing ourselves to one another when we married.**

I married in 1994. My bride, beautiful, tender and caring, sensual though battered and abused, wanted to live, wanted to have the family she dreamed of when growing up – also for her 2 young boys from her previous abusive marriage.

Me, a lad who was marrying for the first time at the age of 29, grew up on old school values, was seeking a family, a life shared as this is what I had dreamed of since I was a kid myself. Having parents that were affectionate with each other, tender and very loving, I had the perfect role models to build my relationship off.

My parents have been married for 47 years now … and are still hopelessly in love. I remember as kids how this would sometimes embarrass us. Not that they were lewd or risqué or anything, but in our narrow minds, us kids thought the luvvy duvvy stuff - the holding hands, the tender hugs or the well timed kiss on the forehead or cheek, the thoughtful touch on the cheek or hand, the considerate words of love and tenderness, should end at some point. How naïve we were. But as we grew and watched the battleground of other peoples marriages today, how we appreciated this love that was so obvious between our parents. Needless to say, monkey see, monkey do.

My parents showed us what it meant to be married, to honour the vows one makes and the work it required. They proved it through example. For my part, I learned this lesson thoroughly because I was determined to emulate my parents if for nothing but their exemplary marriage.

We married. Shortly after, we had children of our own to complement the 2 boys already there. By the year 2000 everything was great, what I would consider normal. But then something happened …. What ?? I wish I knew. For my part, nothing changed in the affection, the understanding and love I was showing. No change in the tenderness and support either … even with the fact we were in a new country. From that time on, the one thing that completely disappeared from our marriage was SEX.

Attempting to communicate and talk about this was futile. Sex was just a topic not to be discussed. I was accused all the things you can imagine …. All those that are usually leveled … obsessed, marriage is not about sex, sex is not everything, it is not important, … . The worst for me was … “ I need to feel loved to be able to make love”, and yet I was doing everything possible, everything I knew how to. Asking for what is missing ?? You kidding …… The response … “you are old enough, work it out !!” ….. whatever that was supposed to mean. Still, all along, I never abandoned the route of communication. It is essential.

Then she has a sudden urge … she wants more kids …. To feel needed I learn much later. So sex was back on the menu … well, all of 8 times in the next 3 years. Yes, she had her babies, two of them … but then the sex was over … completely. Still, communication was fruitless. Sex was a taboo subject.

She was depressed, the babies were supposed to be her therapy. Well, this was her thoughts. She refused to go for counseling which I suggested often. “There is nothing wrong with my head”, was the standard response. The marriage was now languishing …. Again, refusal to get any counseling. And yet, I never let up on being attentive, affectionate and understanding. By now I was out of work too. Finding work turned out impossible for a long time. So money was tight. And yet, the one area where money was not a factor, money became the ONLY FACTOR ! Sure, it was a pretext, just to cover the real reason … but I would never know this until later. She turned communication into arguments now, even if there was nothing to be argued, just discussed, it always became an argument.

By 2006 the marriage was doomed. I learned later that she was having affairs online with anyone who would humor her ….. I learned that her “suitors” ranged in age from boys of 12 to men of 50. Online cam sex was her new vice. And yet, getting the real deal was not good enough for her. Cyber sex was what it was all about. I was requested to give her space, her freedom, her free time, undisturbed and uninterrupted. She would lock herself away so she could act out her fantasies, Fantasies that did not include me.

By beginning of 2007 she was demanding time apart. I gave it to her … and she ran to the first guy who would … yes, have sex with her. She destroyed another woman’s 12 year relationship as a result … although she did marry this guy after. She would come back to our home to tell me that this guy was “more open about sex” …. Oh yeah, seems I was a prude !!! Now unless this other guy has 3 strategically placed organs, no other human could have done more than I had already tried.

But with continued attempts of communication, the penny dropped …. It was not the pretext sex obsession, the not feeling loved, et al, it was her feeling trapped. TRAPPED !!!! Trapped by her choices of having more kids. Trapped for being a wife. Trapped because her friends were finished with their kids and were living their “together” time in their relationships, trapped because she was in another country and did not own her own home. Trapped because she built walls around herself so as not to integrate into our new country of residence which we chose for the security of our kids. Trapped because she refused to speak the language here. AND THIS WAS ALL MY FAULT !!! She “fell out of love with me” because of this … she claims. And yet, it was evident it was a series of HER CHOICES that were to blame. She just could not handle her choices.

It was now 2007 and our marriage was practically sexless for 8 years … 8 times in 8 years, the first 3 of those last 8. She asked me for the divorce in February and filed in May. December it was all over. I wanted the reconciliation, she refused …. She wanted her freedom and her STUD !! I got custody and she was free as a bird. Her shackles of matrimony and motherhood dissolved at the signature of a piece of paper that had become our marriage.

This seems all gloom. But 18 months later, I remarried. My new wife is everything my ex was. And some … lots more some. My wife appreciates my actions and the attentions she gets from me. Her parents are not like me, never have been. She craves being with me, thrives on the understanding and the affection she so desperately wanted from her own parents. She lives for our love. And so do I. My adorable mum-in-law is always telling her husband to learn from me ….. though I think he is way past caring anymore – though I love him, he is a grumpy old bear – too set in his ways. My wife never thought her fairy tale would happen. I am reminded of it whenever we are together.

Is there hope ?? Is there the possibility to live a fulfilled marriage on all levels …. ?? yes, Yes, YES !! and I wish it for all of you who are living this situation. I did not leave a sexless marriage, I was kicked out of one, …. by the refuser !!!
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7 Responses Jun 8, 2011

Congratulations on finding yourself with the right person.

Your maturity and character are shining beacons to guide your children, and a blessing for the rest of us. Wishing you and your wife all happiness!!

Love your statement about love never being wasted, and love this story... keep writing and keep giving us all hope. You are a wonderful man!

Good for you in choosing to let go of bitterness and anger. Not only are you enhancing your own life by doing this, you are being a wonderful role model for your children. I hope you continue to be very happy in your new relationship.

well said ...and I think it also means that your a very strong person mentally and emotionally with very good charachter...and so kudos to you..i

love is love in all forms...and you sir are obviously a good and loving person because of your willingness to be the parent and be do so without anger and bitterness....

thank you for posting your story...many of us here on the sexless side....really are not very optimistic of ever having a normal life....a normal marriage...and so your story says ...absolutely YES, that is possible...<br />
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i am sorry about the past...that was an awful and hurtful situation...but the good news were able to move on...and are now in a loving and cherished relationship...i wish you and your new spouse the very best now and for always...