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Moving On

A friend of mine posted this sentiment on Facebook.

Don't let the person that didn't love you.

Keep you from the person who will.
Mahal1023 Mahal1023 46-50, F 8 Responses Aug 3, 2012

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It is very difficult to deal with a person who is upset, moody, depressed, and not sexual!

Yes it is. Sometimes its not about the sex. Someone who longs to simply hold your hand or put their arms around you can mean a lot.

In order for me to follow that philosophy I had to first get past my belief that marriage is sacred and nothing should be so horrible as to end a marriage. I realized through other people's lives that sometimes you do have to divorce but I never applied that to my life. Then I got pushed to the point where living with the person I was married to became impossible and I had to leave.
The church was of no help to me so I had to go off the grid so to speak for help. My wife went to one of my counseling sessions where I was being treated for depression. During that session she had one of her meltdowns and later my counselor told me she had a personality disorder call a borderline personality.
It is only through research done on the internet including an online support group for people dealing with this disorder that I began to realize what I had been dealing with for most of my life (we were married in the late 70's). Even after that I was still willing to save my marriage but I had abandoned any hope of her ever getting better (read up on borderlines if you want to know why). It was a very awkward situation to ask men in my church to pray not that my wife will get better but that I will find some way to survive in my situation. I would tell them specifically (and I only told a select few), that people with my wife's disorder rarely if ever get better. I told them that from the advice I received the worst think I could do to myself right now is to hold out any hope she will ever get better. I told them I realized God is able to and can heal anything. I also told them that I have had three blind Christian friends in my life and one of them died blind and the other two are still blind. So while God can intervene in any way in any situation it is not something I was willing to plan my life around any more.
So despite specifically telling these men not to pray for healing in my marriage, the almost always did. I literally told them all I was looking for is some small cracking in the insanity in my life that I could slip through and find some way or something that would work, I just wanted thing to work but there was no longer any basis for a real marriage or any kind of real life anymore. Things were that bad!
I realized at that point I had to leave because even if I could live with her any more it was pointless as nothing I did for her was doing any good anyway. She was miserable and in an almost constant state of crisis no matter what I did so what was the point in staying? The sacredness of my marriage? Not anymore. Not for me.
The next real turning point was when I saw my wife's "problems" for what they really were. They were character issues. She no longer became a person I was responsible for who had problems or issues. She was a person who lacked character. I know that may sound harsh to some people since I mental illness was involved but mental illness is not an excuse for prolonged abusive behavior.
Recognizing her behavior as the abuse it was got me over the next hurdle. I know if a friend of mine had told me his wife was treating him the way my wife had been treating me for years I would tell him he was in an abusive marriage and if his wife didn't see her problem or agree to get treatment he should leave her. I would have given that advise to my friends but as little as four years ago would never have considered it for myself.
Now I have learned to take what would have been my own advice. I found the person who did love me and it is something I do not regret.

Wow. Good for you. I am in the process of divorcing a passive agressive man- 3 years ago 2 counselors told me to run, but like you I had catholic guilt, shame, feeling it was my fault, and how can u do this to my daughter. Well my mom gave me some good advice- God does not want you to be unhappy or misuse your purpose in this world. Ignore the Doctrine and examine your personal relationship with your beliefs. That being said- if you have kids you must teach them to be strong, have compassion and love without being a doormat. I would die if my daughter had a marriage like mine. That's when I knew I had to leave. I can be strong and happy and healthy. So can you. Good luck.

Omytvc15....I was raised Catholic and come from a family where there has NEVER been a divorce.... from any generation. So I completely understand where you are coming from. My Ex didn't have a mental illness. He just decided to one day close his heart and body to me. If it were up to him, we would still be married. I'm glad to hear that you were able to find happiness. :)

Lesmiz, it took me many years to learn this. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself in order to be with anyone. Thats not love. I love my daughter to death. She can still have her mother and father.... we just dont have to live together.

I love that! Your soul deserves to have the love that makes you the best you can be!

Have always said it is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not.... Mahal my dear friend, we have been though thick and thick, we won't talk about how many phone calls it takes... <br />
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I am one of many who believe that you will not let the "idea" that you failed in your "marriage" define you for the rest of your life. We have discussed at length many things ranging in size of cells to the size of the universe and I think as I have always thought that you know how to control your own destiny, how to take hold of your own life and be able to make the most of it. I know that you will not let things that are out of your control define much less rule you to take you down to their level. You are much better than that and I know you will succeed...

MT who would have known that the first person I wrote to on EP when I first arrived would end up to be a dear lifelong friend. I will succeed because I have people like you right by my side who will make sure I get my act together. :)

Isn't that what lifelong friends are for??? Keeping each other together when the world tries to tear them apart?? ;-) Always available when you need a little sunshine blown up your ***... HAHAHAHA!!!!

Why settle for a dude who just plays video games?lol

If you're referring to my Scrabble opponent, he does more than just play video games. LOL!! :)

This is one of those things that in theory simple enough to do but in reality it isn't. Im just determined not to let my failed marriage define who I am. I am desperate to rid myself of all the baggage. I dont want to be petrified anymore of falling in love.

You'll find the right person....and leave all that baggage and fear in the dust! ♥

Rated...up, up, up!

I LOVE this!! ♥ It's TOTAL wisdom!! Thanks for posting it..... :)