Is This Normal?

No regrets here. My life was spiralling down a dark emotionally vacant hole.

As of September 7, I was legally out. I celebrated that evening by participating in a once-in-a-lifetime exotic sportscar driving event. I drove a Lamborghini as fast as I could. It was exhilarating and liberating.

So back to the "no regrets" issue. I actually do have one regret. Why on this great green Earth am I now continually analyzing every g-d relationship I'm a part of and every feeling I experience?

Why the eff can't I just be happy and move on?

And why is trusting people so damn difficult for me?

Please, if anyone can provide insight, or if it sounds like something you've experienced as well, I'm all ears (well eyes...technically).
PeachesGalore PeachesGalore
46-50, F
6 Responses Sep 13, 2012

I've got my theories, as I too have been doing this since my divorce. I don't want to bore everyone with psycho-babble about the ways our egos try to make sense of everything (blah, blah, blah) but hold this thought and remind me about it this weekend as it is perfect pool-side chat material. I would love to get VB's in-person perspective on this!

Sounds like a plan :)
See you tomorrow!

JP, You are still fresh out of a marriage that was dysfunctional. You want to hit the ground running but you're still relearning to walk. This time for you is like physical therapy after a bad accident. You were on bedrest, then confined to a wheelchair, then crutches and now you are standing upright and trying to put one foot in front of the other. You are not ready to run yet. And your other man... he was your set of crutches. He doesn't fit you anymore. You are walking now, if ever so hesitantly. Keep doing the physical therapy. You're making good progress but as in all things, this takes time.

Guess I wanted to be on crutches for many more months...it's a difficult adjustment. How do I teach myself to trust?

I completely understand wanting to be on crutches for a while longer. After a while on them it gets very comfortable and feels natural. After an even longer time of not knowing whether you could walk on your own, it's your trust in yourself that has to improve to walk and then run. Are you talking about trusting you or trusting others?

Others...

Time. Healing. Alone time. or lightly dating time, but not serious dating time. When you heal you will see them differently and when your heart is healed you will realize you are stronger and can handle trusting people again. Not trusting others is yourself saying I think I can't handle it if you do x,y,z so I am not going to open myself to you. The key is within you, but you can NOT rush this my friend.

1 More Response

You know, the analysing is not a bad thing. It is a defense mechanism against finding yourself (unwittingly) in a similar situation to the one you have just left. And you ARE happy, I think! Just that your happiness is of the carefully analysed sort!! lol<br />
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JP, you are in the "unlearning" phase of post-ILIASM. It takes time - and as Baz and I said just last night, it never really ends. But you DO become more and more accustomed to the "new normal" and as you do, the analysing slowly decreases. {{{{Hugs}}}}

In talking with a friend today, I compared it to PMS (sorry guys...). One day I'm on cloud nine, the next I don't want to get out of bed. This "unlearning" stuff is exhausting :)
The situation that has truly sabotaged the speed in which I recover, is that I have decided to end the relationship with my other man. Not talked about much, but yet has been the center of my emotional turmoil lately. Coloring outside the lines worked for me for 9 months, now it's time to move on to a healthier relationship.
Thank you, enna. I wish you were coming to Dallas, I'd be the first to give you one of the many giant hugs you are owed.

JP, :( I am sad to hear that. I have no doubt you have excellent reasons for ending it but it simply adds to your sadness at this time when you are vulnerable. Wish I could be in Dallas to give you the {{{hugs}}} you deserve. Take advantage ofevery single one - and I'm sure there will be LOTS on offer!!

Tell me about it...and I have frickin' baseball games to attend with the ex both Friday and Saturday nights...something tells me I should hold off on the breaking it off action 'til Sunday...

Seems we are on a similar journey, JP. I have no great insights. Just shared sympathy. I'm doing the same over-thinking. I'm not sure what the boundaries are anymore., what is acceptable and what's not. <br />
I'm terrified of trusting anyone. For me, I know it's a very deep issue. So, I'm just jumping off the deep end, come what may!

You're gutsy :)

You are both brave beautiful gutsy women!!

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and explored it in a story I titled "why I went off sex".<br />
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In my twenties, I made an incredibly difficult decision to end a relationship with my staggeringly beautiful, sexy, charismatic and sociopathic girlfriend of two years. This was a woman who could play all the pla<x>yers with ease. For example, I had no idea until recently that she was, in fact, an exotic dancer. It took an enormous amount of discipline to stick to my plan, not only with her, as she pulled out every seductive trick in her book, but also to retrain my taste. I learned, in ending that relationship and for several years after, how to put the clamp on my instinct to trust and let go. And in the process, I went intimacy averse until I was able to recognize it and then pull myself out of it, years later.<br />
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It's why I often caution folks here about hand waving "sex people" vs "non-sex people". If my experience in dealing with an intensely dysfunctional situation has any general application, I have a hunch that a good number of people in ILIASM will be surprised to discover that they are affected in their subsequent relationships in such a way that they no longer trust their intincts.

Yes, in many ways, I feel like a teenager all over again. Clearly, my instincts the first time around were faulty. I have a new mindset now, replete with new standards and beliefs. Aside from my dog, Max, there ain't a whole lot I take for granted these days...and that friggin' sucks.
It's affecting my sleep, which is in turn, affecting my work.
I have to shut my mind off to get anything done around the house.

Hmm... Part of me things you want the next one to be perfect, and sadly nothing is perfect. You feel you have one more chance. These are just wild a$$ guesses, so don't take them to the bank. Let me know if you need/want to talk.

Thanks...I might just take you up on that invitation.

You have sent me back thinking about some "repressed" memories very fresh post move out / separations. I might have some insight.