I figured it out. It's simply. The reason why my marriage didn't survive. Why may husband didn't care for me the way I needed and why he cared less and less everyday. It's because we weren't friends. For all of you who say there's no sex. But you want it and need it. Who log on here to vent your frustration and share your heartache. Stop saying you're not lovers but you're still good friends. It's bs. Would you treat a friend like that? Withhold something that's meant to be shared? Be cold? Be selfish? Is that friendship? My exhusband and I weren't friends. We were parents. We were spouses. But we were not friends. Friends care about each other. Respect each other. Try to be selfless and do their best to bring comfort not pain. Friends are our constant safe places. Not places of emptiness and pain. Isolation. Loneliness. Don't fool yourself. It's easy. I know. I did it for far too long as well. Thinking it would change. Hoping. Begging. Crying. It doesn't. And it won't. You are not friends. You're just like furniture. Only you probably help with the kids or the house. It's not a friendship or a loving relationship. It's a one sided non emotional business arrangement and you're just part of the inventory.
carpediem2 carpediem2
36-40, F
10 Responses Aug 24, 2014

"inventory" - I like that. I often said I was like a lamp or some other inanimate object to him.

It was really a sad existence. He didn't care that I had feelings. Ever. My anger. My sadness. Nothing changed his behaviors for any real length if time. My life now? My husband is present. He looks at me and really sees me. He knows how I feel. He never wants me to be sad. He makes me feel like I am never alone - even when he's mikes away. He is truly a partner. He kisses me for no reason. He touches my back when we go thru the doors. He reached for my hand every chance he gets. It's genuine affection that comes from the heart. He cares about me. I'm not an object. I'm his wife. And he wants me to be happy with our marriage. So he puts energy into it. He's not selfish. And for that I will be forever grateful.

So you condem your ex but do you ever think he was thinking the same thing about u

My ex is good. I'm good. I wish you were good too and you had a bit of happiness in your life. Your life is very sad. I can understand why you've been shunned. You're not a nice person.

I was just asking a question

Nope I'm not after what I did to my wife

You make good points about what you learned about your marriage but dont assume you can tell everyone else that it applies to theirs.

If you had realized you weren't friends while still married could you have tried to develop friendship?
That is were we are in our no longer sexless marriage now.
Glad your happy. Hows your x?

My x is well. I don't assume to tell anyone how to live their life. Do you think we didn't try to develop a friendship? Smh.

Oh. But it sounded that way by your word choice. I asked because Idk because you did not say if you did.

Smh? What?

Wow, you hit the nail on the head with this one. Yep, me and my ex were not friends, and may have never been. She settled for me, then tried to make me into the person she wanted. Eventually I got tired of being her walking atm.

It's sad isn't it? That we sometimes are used and respected so very little under the guise that it's allowable because of a marriage license? Since when is that a license to disrespect someone you vowed to love honor and obey? Such crap. But at least we learn and move forward wiser for the experience. Sounds like you took your abilities and moved on. I hope you're with someone deserving now.

Yes, I found someone that likes me for me and I like her for her, and we have found a very happy balance. Funny when you like someone the little things are just that, little.

So true! I'm happy for you! Sounds like you didn't settle either and everything worked out the way it was supposed to for you.

Wow. I in the same boat. I have been on my soapbox preaching this same thing! I am glad somebody else sees this too! Thank you!

i COMPLETELY agree with you, the no sex is usually just a symptom of a crappy relationship in general & we married the wrong person. I totally did. if i married the right person, his low libido wouldn't bother me that much, it's that simple. but i stew on it, it's ALL i think about . as i read your post, i am so envious. i am tearing up thinking wow, i wish that could be me...i have 2 grade school kids so trying to 'stick it out' for them...

If you had married the right person, you would be in a sexually fulfilling marriage.

yep i agree!

you are soo right.

A friend wold not treat you that way.

A friend would bring comfort and not pain......

It's interesting how we allow our refuser spouses to treat us with such disregard and disrespect. Because we wouldn't accept that behavior from others. We would sever friendships and family ties for less. Yet the person who vowed to love honor and cherish does the exact opposite and we allow it. For me it was the bait and switch. he became this cold disrespectful provider and I fell into the role of housekeeper and parent. My personal needs became my own responsibility. He made that loud and clear day after day when I reached out and he turned his back. When I begged him. When I cried. When I write him letters. His continual refusal put me into a depression. And then. I figured it out. It wasn't me. It was him. There was nothing I could do to change him. He was content. I was miserable. So I took my happiness back. He didn't deserve me.

I am very glad that you realized it was not you. Many times, the tendency is to blame yourself and wonder what is the matter with you.

Stay strong and put all that effort into making a life for yourself....

You are right and that's why I'm out of my sexless marriage.

Mettamomma have you been enjoying yourself?

"It's a one sided non emotional business arrangement and you're just part of the inventory." Very apt.

Sadly, most people inside the SM dynamic can't see the dysfunction that is so blindingly obvious. It's like we suffer from cognitive dissonance until the pain becomes too much. Then we end up in a place like ILIASM, and slowly but surely, the layers of denial we've wrapped ourselves up in start to unravel.

So true. So sad and so true.

I reckon most people here would agree that the typical ILIASM deal is headed nowhere, except in ongoing misery. And that under such circumstances the smart play is probably to get out.
-
I think the real difficulty is in posters who think that theirs is NOT a typical ILIASM deal, that it is NOT headed nowhere, and that the smart play is NOT to get out.
-
Once members see themselves that their deal is, in fact a typical ILIASM deal, they tend to move forward to resolution.
And this post of yours carpdiem, illustrates one of the key elements of that recognitian, that the ILIASM member is not loved in a way that is meaningful to them.
-
Tread your own path.

Bazaar. I couldn't agree more. At the beginning when the refusing started I didn't really notice. And then, when the frustration, loneliness, sadness and pain set in I was overwhelmed at the thought of leaving because of the family and our home. So I traded my happiness and peace for an intact family. For what? When I did leave my children's all said they had wished if done it sooner. I found out who my true friends are. I have peace. I have found natural affection in a man who-not only tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful- but his actions mirror his words. My ex was a master withholder. Power over me because I was a mother and was tied to a mortgage. Selfishly controlling. I'm so much better off not being tied down under that sort of stress. At night I peacefully sleep next to a man who appreciates all that I am and he wraps his arms around me as I sleep on his chest. Listening to his heart beat. It's delicious and I never take him or one minute of our life together for granted. Because I know I'm very lucky.

I would agree. You can't change refusers. You can't trust or believe them. You will live a life of constant disappointment and you will be deeply hurt. Not only that- the mental and emotional abuse that results is often labelled as somehow "your fault". Another lie. A cowardly selfish lie that refusers easily tell because they want zero personal accountability.

Withholding is a form of power and control. in other words abuse. The withholder gains power over the one longing for normal human contact and love.

So true. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.