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I Left My Husband, But Still Love Both Men.

I've been with my husband for 2 years, married for 1. We married on our 1 year anniversary. It did seem pretty soon, but we loved each other, and really, saw no reason not to marry. My husband and I get along great - no abuse whatsoever, he's not controlling... really, he's perfect. I wasn't unhappy being with him.

I met this guy at work. I had been there for 4 years, so when he started, I was voted to train him. We immediately hit it off. It wasn't that I wanted him though - more like, I knew if I weren't married, I would go for him. I was honestly content just to be close friends, and so was he. This went on for almost a year. I would hang out with him, both at his place and with mutual friends. No one thought it was too weird. Nothing more than talking ever went on. But, understandably, this started to bother my husband. I knew he would get jealous; how could he not? I'm spending time with another man. We discussed it, and he finally asked me not to see the other guy anymore. He was hesitant to ask this of me, because he did trust me, and he'd never asked something like that of me before. I was hurt, but I love him, so I agreed.

Everything was good for a few weeks. The other guy understood, and he respected my decision. But I just couldn't not see him. This is where things started to go downhill. We began meeting in secret. Still nothing more than talking going on. I absolutely refuse to have an affair. Then one day, my husband found out. He was furious, and told me I could leave. Rather than refuse, and talk things over, I left. I know he didn't mean it, but I was pretty mad too, being "caught" and all. I didn't do anything wrong! But he didn't know that.

So now, I've been living with the new guy for about 3 months now. We get along well, and truly love each other. I still talk to my husband, and he still wants me to come back. Now to where much of my guilt comes in. I've left my new guy twice now to try and work things out with my husband. Both times, I leave and go running back to my new man. The thing is, they're both so ******* understanding! Who allows their wife/girlfriend to leave them multiple times? I wish one of them would tell me no, they don't want me anymore. This is still ongoing. I really want to go back to my husband, but I'm afraid things won't work. I've already left him multiple times, but then again, I've left new guy a couple times too. What right do I have to put everyone through that again?
twilightprincess8 twilightprincess8 22-25, F 5 Responses Apr 8, 2011

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Hi. Let me pitch in from the 'new guy' angle.

About six months ago I suddenly fell deeply in love with a woman I work with. We were both married (her for 3 years and me for just 9 months) and I thought I loved my wife but this new girl totally took my breath away. We ended up leaving our partners and moved in together. We had three incredible months, with all the chemical highs that come with new love.

But then, as the drug wore off and reality hit home, guilt started to sink in. For both of us. I kept my guilt hidden as I didn't want to burden my lover, but her situation is more complicated. She has a young son with her husband so she has the bonds that comes with, coupled with seeing her husband on a daily basis. He was a shirty husband and father by all accounts, but now he says he wants her back and is willing to change his ways. I think he is genuine in this.

My lover has been on-off with me a number of times while she flits between her husband and me. Right now she says she's making a n honest go of it with him. If he's willing to take her back after all this, and is willing to change, then she feels she owes this opportunity both to him and to the sanctity of marriage.

I'm afraid I don't have any answers here, but like I say, I want to give you the 'other guy's perspective. I love her so, so much, and I've tried so hard to be patient and understanding. But we guys are even more sensitive than you ladies sometimes, and please know the hurt you are causing both men by going from one to the other.

My (currently ex) lover is now taking what I think is a sensible and long overdue course if action. She's spent some time alone and has decided it is worth making a go if it with her husband. She's taking it slowly and they are going to couples counselling together. If they are meant to be together then I won't begrudge either of them that. But it seems to me like a sensible, pragmatic approach that she is taking now.

If you find yourself in the early stages if going from your lover to your ex, please just take a breather. Allow your feelings to come and go several times before you even think of acting in them.

I'll just sit and wait now. I'll let you all know if I get the girl :-)

Good luck

Hello everyone,

I too am in this exact same situation. I have a husband who I met when I was 18, married at 21. I love him so much and he is my best friend and has been with me through so much. The thought of leaving my comfortable and stable life with him scares me so much. At the same time I am scared of never feeling passion ever again. I am afraid I never quite found out who I was before getting married and will never get a chance to if I stay married. I have met another man who shows me more love and affection, in the way I desire it, than my husband ever has. I have talked with my husband about separating for awhile for me to figure things out. He does not know about the other man but can obviously see there is a problem. My new man thinks I am leaving my husband but I feel like I haven't made that decision yet. I am excited, happy and so alive when I am with my new man. He has promised to be patient and love me always. But leaving my husband seems so frightening and I can't bear the thought of hurting him. They both love me and are patiently awaiting my decision. I am glad to find others in similar situations.

I have one piece of advice for you that I wish I would have listened to: move in by yourself for a while and break contact with both if you can. If you absolutely can't, then at least don't move in with the new guy. It will crush your husband and give your boyfriend false hope if you realize you are still in love with your husband and just needed to remember what it felt like to feel wanted and loved. Live alone and let your feelings run its course. I've been living with the new guy now for a year, and although I love him an he has been extremely patient with me, I am still in love with my husband and heart broken over what I did to my marriage. I'm not saying I shouldn't have left anyway-I should have- but, to find myself. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Explore your feelings but know that your husband is not that ignorant; he senses it just like women do. Im sorry. The decision is never an easy one. I just pray we all find happiness in our lives again one day. I'm still heart broken.

Thank you for your advice. I really think you're right in this regard. I know that if I started a relationship with new guy right away I would ALWAYS have my doubts about ending my marriage. If I leave my husband I need to do it for me, not for a new relationship. Now just to find a way to explain this to "new guy"....

I am so relived I found this. Well, not so much relieved as feeling a sense that I'm not as alone as I thought. Similar story. Met my husband and 17-18, fell in love, the rest is history. We were together for ten years, but we mistakenly allowed a 3rd person in (I am Bi) and she was our gf for 3 years. I think I began to resent him even though I was the one that wanted it. Anyway, I met my now current boyfriend who I live with at a legal internship and fell in love in a matter of days. I was destroyed because I never thought I could cheat on my husband. He was the love of my life. But I couldn't get over the thought that I had settled and that this new man was the person I was really meant to be with. I told my husband after a month and left home. My boyfriend and I moved in together and were very much in love, except that my guilt and pain over my ex and the fact that I still loved him consumed me, I went back and forth emotionally between both. Finally I met with my ex and said that even though I loved them both, I'd be willing to come back home and try to save our marriage. He said he could not have me live with him anymore knowing that I lived with this new man. I was unwilling to live without either and told him this was the only way we could try to save our marriage (seeing as he was still seeing our former gf anyway). He refused but claimed he loved me and still thought we could make it through anything. I was left confused and heart broken. My poor boyfriend endured heartache as well but was extremely understanding. It's been a year now, and I still have pain and heartache over me ex and wonder if we could have worked things out. But at the same time, I love the man I'm with and can't help but feel that if I gave us a chance, I could be truly happy. He's into the same hobbies I am and I feel like he is way more romantic that my other husband ever tried to be (even though I tried to tell him many times we needed to rekindle our spark). I still can't help but wonder when this pain is going to go away. I'm sick of this up and down depression and I want to move on. Please, I welcome any outside advice.

This post is a blessing In disguise. I never meant to meet a new man but I did. I realized full force that something was missing in my relationship with him and that my needs could be met. I didn't hae to settle. I left our home and we separated. It's been 2 months now. Since then, my new man and I have been texting incessantly and spend hours a night on Skype each night. He lives in CA and me in HI. We have Visited each other twice. My ex fiancé wants to work things out. He has forgiven me that I had feelings for another man and left home a week after my first encounter with him. My ex fiancé is doing anythk f and everything he can to be all that he wasn't the 2 years we were together. He realized he took me for granted and regrets it. He found the Lord and I see his demeanor and spirit are different. I was willing to move to CA in July to be with the other man. But my fiances changes are now causing me to second guess. Its been over a week since I've seen and spoken to the other man because I needed to figure things out with my ex fiancé. The other man is completely supportive and wants me to figure things out. He is completely patient with me too and knows the difficulty and hurt I feel.



My fiance and I have been hanging out a few times a week and talking. He is reat everything that I wanted him to be. BUT I have already given a very important piece of my heart to the other man. And it is a vital piece if my fiance and I were to get back together. My ex fiancé and I has sex a few times again and I felt guilty thinking of the other man. Also, I cannot passionately kiss my ex fiancé like I kiss the other man. I just can't. Btw, I havnt been able to for months prior to leaving home because my emotional needs were not met, my body clammed up.



I am so confused. Will I ever feel passionate about my fiancé again and take back that piece of my heart from the other man? Should I continue to throw away the life I built with my fiancé even though he is changing? Do I take a leap of faith and be with the other man who I feel passionate about but don't really know what the future will hold? People have already been hurt. People are going to get Hurt. I agree, it would be easier if one of them just threw me out to the curb. When I think about the other man, my heart melts. I miss him. But is that just my body reacting physically and will I get over it? I don't feel that way with my fiancé.

Your questions are my same questions... I couldnt agree more with you. I think we both are in the same painful boat and its so sad. I had a nervous breakdown yesterday becuase of my undesition. I'm glad that i can share this with people that know exactly how i feel.

I am so relived I found this. Well, not so much relieved as feeling a sense that I'm not as alone as I thought. Similar story. Met my husband and 17-18, fell in love, the rest is history. We were together for ten years, but we mistakenly allowed a 3rd person in (I am Bi) and she was our gf for 3 years. I think I began to resent him even though I was the one that wanted it. Anyway, I met my now current boyfriend who I live with at a legal internship and fell in love in a matter of days. I was destroyed because I never thought I could cheat on my husband. He was the love of my life. But I couldn't get over the thought that I had settled and that this new man was the person I was really meant to be with. I told my husband after a month and left home. My boyfriend and I moved in together and were very much in love, except that my guilt and pain over my ex and the fact that I still loved him consumed me, I went back and forth emotionally between both. Finally I met with my ex and said that even though I loved them both, I'd be willing to come back home and try to save our marriage. He said he could not have me live with him anymore knowing that I lived with this new man. I was unwilling to live without either and told him this was the only way we could try to save our marriage (seeing as he was still seeing our former gf anyway). He refused but claimed he loved me and still thought we could make it through anything. I was left confused and heart broken. My poor boyfriend endured heartache as well but was extremely understanding. It's been a year now, and I still have pain and heartache over me ex and wonder if we could have worked things out. But at the same time, I love the man I'm with and can't help but feel that if I gave us a chance, I could be truly happy. He's into the same hobbies I am and I feel like he is way more romantic that my other husband ever tried to be (even though I tried to tell him many times we needed to rekindle our spark). I still can't help but wonder when this pain is going to go away. I'm sick of this up and down depression and I want to move on. Please, I welcome any outside advice.

OMG we need to talk! Your story it's just exactly as mine nothing different. I see you write this like a year ago and i would like to know how did your story ends? Did you when back to your husband or with the new guy? I feel lost and I need directions.

I'm with the new guy, (not so new now :-p) and we're very happy together. It was really difficult to get to this point though.

No matter what you do, someone will get hurt. That's the worst part. You just have to do what's best for you. Yeah, you hear people people say that you need to work things out in a marriage. I think that's true, but this isn't the '50s, where you're tied to someone for life. If you can't make things work, I think it's best to break things off and move on.

Just don't make my mistake. I dragged both guys along, with my not knowing who to be with. They both were hurt and started to resent me. I got lucky - my boyfriend was willing to be patient with me. It could have easily been me alone, with both guys telling me to screw off. Don't push them to that point.

If you can, I'd suggest telling them you want to be on your own for a bit. So you can get a fresh perspective.

I'm sure there's more I can say, but I'll leave you with this rambling for now.

Thank you for your quick reply. I have gone thru the same as you, I've been back and forward between them and they have been so patience. The way they both loves me surprised me every time, when I said I'm confused they patiently wait and that's what gives me the biggest guilt of all I don't want to play with them.  The new guy and I been together for 7 months (since i separate from my husband) recently i got a new apt for a fresh start and been leaving with him for 3 months already and I do really think I love him. The only thing that had harm the relationship is because im still married i have kept the relation secret and hiding. When we go to public places he want to hold me kiss me but i don't let him afraid of somebody looking at us.  Today I ask him  to give me time by myself to think and I was surprised when you advised me the same. he took it sad but calm and he told me that he would do whatever it takes to make this relationship last forever.

My husband after 7 months of separation had filled for divorce even though he still fighting to have me back, I haven't receive the papers but I feel I really miss him :( he's my best friend and we share all experiences and we had spend half of our life together it's like losing more than a dad or a brother but I think I don't love him. I've been married for 8 years, together 13 years and I'm just 30, if you make the count we've been together since I was 17 years old. He's looks like a perfect husband respectful, kind, friendly and everybody loves him but the relationship always lacked of passion and desire plus he had a lot of hobbies that I never felt I was his priority. My husband said he can make me fall in love with him again, that I just need to give our marriage a try, and deep inside i think thats the right thing to do but I don't want to loose the "new guy" that has show me love more than I ever dream of he's unbelievable. My husband did not expect the separation and he has suffer like i never see him before; the guilt of leaving a great man behind its killing me. Missing my husband make me doubt if I do love him or it's just the routine. Did you felt the same? How you find out which guy to stay? Did you kept communication with your ex husband? Sorry for all those questions but your help and experience it's all I have right now. Thank you

Hi, it's nearly 2 years that you asked for help and I was wondering how you are going. I'm in the same situation and I cry every morning and I also need this to stop. I'm hurting not only everyone around me but I'm hurting myself. I hope you got through this givens it's now 2 years.

Hi, yes it's been 2 years already The result of my story is that I divorce my husband and moved in with the new guy following him to California. The truth is that the first year and a half I was in heaven and happy like I never was before but with a lot of guilt that unfortunately got in the way and end the up broke up with the new guy a few months ago. The bad part of this whole thing of leaving your husband for somebody new is that you will be comparing everything between the new guy and your husband. The good and the bad but more the good, every-time the new guy do or treat you wrong the first thing in my head was: "with my husband this wouldn't ever happen" and I didn't put too much effort to work things out because I though that I need to be back with my husband and the guilt for leaving him behind didn't let me be 100% happy either. I would say that many factor impact the relationship with the new guy that we broke up. But I was incredibly happy with him and I loved him way more that I ever lived my husband. I was convinced that I didn't loved my husband way before I met him but the mistake was waiting to find somebody to have the guts to leave him... I have a lot to share and I wish I had anybody to talk to for advice so if you want to talk of have any questions email me at: ileana.delvalle@gmail.com
The guilt is the most difficult part to overcome it took me almost two years to overcome and that guilt will hold u back if u don't accept things how they are and move on. Hopping to hear from you soon :)

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