This Mistake Could Change Your Life (it Changed Mine)

I met my wife in November 2007, while I was still in the military. Things got off to a fast start, but we loved each other so much. My wife and I were married at a courthouse in Alabama when I was stationed at Ft. Benning, GA in May 2008. Her mother (who was an amazing woman, the most generous, selfless, patient, nicest person you ever met) was dying of cancer. I lost my father to ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) in June 2007, so I had alot of experience with this. So, she died and we were all crushed. The family gradually fell further apart and did not communicate as much. It was very sad.

From the time I returned (the month before her mother's death) until I left the house, things had changed SOOO much. I didn't realize what a bonding force her mother was and I would console my wife for hours a day almost every day until I left. She would throw tantrums - hit me, kick me, throw things, hit me with objects.... I knew she was angry and, most times, at me. She had always been over-emotional, extremely sensitive and had emotional problems (I think largely due to rejection and an "attention-starved" childhood). This made me very sad and, as I said, I would spend so much time and have unlimited patience to calm her and help her feel better. I was the only one that could do this after her mother died.

I did not like going shopping, would many times skimp a bit on the chores. I would also complain about how much she spent on things we didn't need to spend money on. Small things, really, because money and the things you buy with it doesn't mean a thing if you don't have someone to share it with. That's the truth.

I told her I needed to focus on myself, finish my doctorate, focus on work. And then I probed her to find out if not wanting kids would be a deal-breaker: it was, so I lied to her, telling her that I didn't want kids. So, her Dad came over, who had completely changed to a very detached, not-very-feeling/caring and just angry (and absolutely fed up with me, apparently). I told him the same thing and that we had different goals and I had to re-realize my former goals - which were lies, as well. I was lying just to give a disingenuos rationale to make everything smooth and get out. But I knew I only needed a break.

So I tried to come back, but almost immediately (two months later)..... she said, "I've moved on, we had some good times...", whatever... I needed a break not a divorce....she made me pay for and sign the papers, I did not want it... I think, sometime, that ultimately, she wanted it. Or that maybe she didn't love me as much as I STILL LOVE her - because I would have taken her back in a second, but the only time in my life I asked her for a second chance, she wouldn't even give me that. She says she could never trust me again.... I never hit her and never even THOUGHT of cheating on her and she knows it, she acknowledges all of that. Her Dad would never talk to me again.

Eventually, I had to get a restraining order because she threatened me and I knew she was prone to violence, but I had it dropped in court. She was there crying.... I had already decided to drop it, it wasn't the tears... I love her and didn't want that for her. Now she won't talk to me, either. Even though she violated the order, I never did anything to her. I love her.

So, I have been realizing what a bonehead mistake I made by leaving and how I will have to live with it for the rest of my life. It's really terrible. I threw everything away because I "just wanted to be alone" - my own words. but all the things I told her... how I had to do things for myself and work on me..... well, she now gives the same selfish statements right back at me. It's not rejection, it's not ego.... I love my wife and now there's nothing. I'm just a shell of a human being without my better half, because I abandoned her for nothing really. How could I have done such a cruel thing to such a wonderful person? I want nothing but to live for and give all of myself for her and give her children and everything she wants and needs.

My advice to anyone: make ABSOLUTELY sure you know what you want when you decide to do something like this.... I left my soul mate for life.... and for what? Nothing. I think that most of the time you will find that they are worth it, worth staying with and loving. You need to really look within your heart. God, why didn't I know this? or do this? I cry and I pray every day, every day.... and it has been like this for me for a loooong time and know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I still have a pulse, but my heart is broken; I can speak, but I can't breath; I am physically alive, but dead inside.... there is nothing for me now... I will always love her just as the day we were married. I am broken forever... forever... I love you, Nicole.
studguinea studguinea
1 Response Aug 1, 2010

Wow Studguinea! You left me shattered by your honesty. My husbad left me almost 3 months ago, with NO explanation! I am still devastated. We had been having some minor arguments over the last 2 months before he left. I kept asking what is it? Are you not happy with me? Did you meet someone? What can I do? He insisted it was nothing and yet we kept arguing. He travels quite a bit for work, on the day he returned from a wk out he asked me to dinner and a movie. Although we were there alone together, I continued feeling this distance between us. He held my hand and told me I was beautiful. Then as things happen for a reason I noticed his cell kept getting messages. I simply asked who's calling you while we are out..his response was a lie since he said it was his brother that needed his advice when I realized it was another woman whoo he had been lying about for a while and who was not willing to talk with me when I called her, she hung up. This is when the argument turned ugly and the questions "how long has this been going on?", "How could you?", etc. None the less he came home, packed and left, never to return. There was some minor communication at first about this or that but now there is nothing. We never even discussed the posiblity of a break or separation. Now I am in limbo with no idea when or if I should be the one to file for divorce. People tell me he will regret it one day but maybe when he does like Nicole, it will be too late. I know marriage is worth it, but this is not what I expected. Thanks for your post, any advice would be great.