He and I were best friends, we hadn't met in person but shared everything. We would talk for hours on the phone. I would buy phone cards just to talk to him. (this was before I had a cell) If I couldn't get a phone card then he would find a way to call me, I'd say we spent about 20 hours a week on the phone, and then we'd talk online (aol) all the time too. I ran across a conversation I had saved from those times, (this was around 2002) I read it today and keep thinking about him. He was sensitive, loving, adorable (a friend of mine had met him and was able to verify what he looked like so I know he hadn't sent me a pic of someone else) I was scared when he went through an F5 tornado, and cried with relief when he called me and told me he was ok.
He was so supportive of me, he told me to hold on to my dreams. He believed in me more than any man in my life has since then. He seemed able to see things in me that have been ignored since then as well.
In this conversation he told me that he got butterflies in his stomach when talking to me, and that he wasn't one to cry, but I made him cry because I made him feel so good. He did the same to me. I can't even tell you how many kleenexes I went through in those days lol but they were all happy tears (this story is going to make me seem like a total mush but it does have a point, hang in there) He then asked me the most beautiful question "Is this love? I've never felt like this before" I got a chill then and I still do now.
Shortly after that he drifted away for about a week, and I figured I had done something wrong... so what does the level headed person in this situation do?? Not what I did I can tell you that! I started dating someone, well not that so much as met and moved in with someone, head first into a disasterous relationship. About that time he popped back up and we started talking again. I told him what I had done and that I was scared of hurting the one I was with so I needed to figure out the best way to get out of it... (yes I know I was stupid and I paid for it... keep reading and keep all judgements reserved 'til the end please)
Needless to say he didn't talk to me for a while so I stayed with the moron I was with, who by the way decided he didn't like the recovering part of being a recovering alcoholic and hit the bottle harder than babe ruth hit a baseball.
I got a call from one of my friends saying that Mr Tennessee was coming to my area and wanted to see me, and my friend would gladly take me up there. I couldn't get away from my emotionally abusive and drunken partner to go see him though. Not surprisingly Tennesee didn't understand and was hurt. I told him I loved him, and I meant it, he told me he loved me and I know he meant it too... but of course I got spooked and ran into the arms of a new man, who might as well have been called captain Morgan, and in fact that is what he will be referred to as from this point on in the story. ANYWAY Captain Morgan continued to drink and I could not get Tennesee off my mind... I knew I had screwed up, beyond all previous screw ups and would probably never have another chance with Tennessee.
Captain Morgan and I parted ways.
I was still angry with myself for letting Tennesee go, but I decided to beg his forgiveness, not expecting that he would understand and say "Oh come on honey, lets live our lives together and be merry" and I was right to not expect that... he wouldn't talk to me, wanted nothing to do with me. Every once in a while I would send him and Email, just to let him know I was still ok, but I still missed him. A couple years ago he emailed me back, and we started talking. He's in a relationship and very happy. I was somewhat jealous that it wasn't with me, but happy for him. I have since come to terms with the fact that he and I won't be together, and I'm in a pretty good relationship now and I've moved on. Sometimes though I'm still haunted by the what if's and shoulda's. Today was one of those days.
Part of me would give anything to go back to that time, and follow through with our plan of meeting and seeing if things worked as well in person as in the other mediums of our conversation. But I know he's destined to forever be one of my greatest loves, and the one that got away.