The List

I made the list sometime in high school. It had everything I could ever dream of in a man. When I met this guy, he was all I'd imagined and then some.

Fast forward two years.

I was on my knees, begging him to take me back - pleading and saying I was sorry. I even sort of believed I was wrong.

The offense? I threw down my engagemet ring an a raging temper when he accused me of cheating for the seven millionth time.

He wasn't even angry at me. He just wanted the control, wanted to see me beg before he would deign to take me back.

I was a budding guitarist back then, and he always walked out of the room saying I sounded terrible. He put down my singing, saying that I shouldn't be in front of people because it wasn't good. He always pointed out the good things on other women we saw, saying he could "still love me while he looked at them" I loved art, he didn't care for it.

Basically, he never supported me in anything unless it was something he wanted.

No idea why I stayed as long as I did. No idea how I did. I was engaged to him for a year, and on and off dating for a year before that.

When I finally gathered the courage to break it off, it was the hardest thing ever. He was "perfect" (on the surface). He brought me flowers constantly. He took me to a concert for the band who played our song. Before the concert, he hung around the back of the building and waited for the band. He then begged and pleaded until they dedicated the song to us. He then got on one knee and sang it to me in front of all of my friends.

He was incredibly romantic and sweet - but I realized it was all a show. He did it so that other people would think he was the perfect boyfriend.

It took a year for me to get over him, but I did. I still talk to him today. His wife is a friend on myspace. Every time I look at her profile, I cringe and wonder if he changed, or if she is as miserable as I was.

onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow
31-35, F
25 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Just coming out of a 27 year relationship similiar to the one you avoided except mine was more extreme than yours. You were very fortunate to escape when you did. Even knowing that it's a bad relationship doesn't make it any easier making that break. It takes having the support of others and them reminding you constantly that you are doing the right thing to get through it and move forward with your life. Good luck to you in making better choices in life!

Wildfire, Love is tricksy :-) I think sometimes that there is a very subtle difference in the best thing that could ever happen and the worst. If your guy is bad for you, and tearing you down instead of building you up...Well, as they say, the first step is the hardest. It's hard, if you love him...but freedom is a good thing, once you remember what to do with it. *hugs*

AM - Emotional abuse is a very hard thing...It's amazing how free we feel when we finally escape, isn't it?<br />
<br />
Kenyan - That's hard to say, not knowing more of your circumstances. Usually, honesty, or a form of it, is the best policy. :-)

I also had a girlfriend we broke up august but it has been hard for me to get over her. How can i approach her back

I'm glad for you that you had the courage to leave that abusive relationship behind. It sounds very much like emotional abuse to me, and often it is so insidious that it is hard to pin point exactly why you feel so awful all the time.<br />
<br />
I doubt he has changed.

*raises hands over head dancing*<br />
<br />
"shake shake shaaake..... Shake your booty!"

I need to shake him? I might need some help with that...

We're like oil and vinegar dressing baby!<br />
<br />
Shake us up REALLY well, and it's magic....<br />
<br />

Haha! I know. I feel the same about Mr. Tekk. But. You just...Why did you?..I thought you were...GRRR. <br />
<br />
I think the thing with you and Karumbey and I see hope. So many people here (and in RL) have these spouses with very few redeeming qualities. Their men don't have these Utopian moments. That's why I get frustrated with ours. We're like little Dutch boys with our marriages as the dams. Plugging holes and enjoying moments of happiness and peace. <br />
<br />
I keep waiting for someone to ask if Mr G has multiple personalities or something, Hah!

It ****** me off with how inconsistent these guys can be. I mean I'm reading one moment about how your spouse says some of the nicest things, plays with the kids, I actually see him try at times...then another moment I'm aggravated with him! LOL! I've never met him, ha ha! What is with these men! They have these blurbs of absolute compassion stupid things like that! Arg! I mean, mine was like a midwife in training during labor, lol! He was all in there being soft and supportive. Why can't he...what a butthead...OK...I'm done!

Thanks Grace :-) <br />
<br />
Tekk - Haha, no you can't. Mine. Um, answered the cell when I was pushing with our second. (Can you say busted phone?)<br />
I didn't know I could get distance like that. But then again, I was in a lot of pain, and that might have helped me.

Nah. Maybe we just unconditionally love our spouses when they are unbelievably rotten. Because if you think about it, the exes would NEVER pull through like our spouses had. It's just...that whole...I don't believe in myself and I get "stuck" part. Oh it's dysfunctional at times. It's not perfect but I tell you...what happened and how he pulled through for me on can't find a man like that anywhere that would be that vulnerable, that loving, that supportive for a woman during those times. It's aggravating. Why can't I find that button to turn on for other times too!

Way to go. :) You know you're worth more than that, and you deserve support in pursuing your passions and dreams.

I have never realized it...but Mr G is the same way. So good at helping someone get through a rough spot. So terrible following his own advice. I guess that is a big reason I stay. I know what it could be. I know that we could be great if he'd just try...If he'd care like he did back many ifs. <br />
<br />
*sigh* <br />
<br />
Maybe this relationship is as dysfunctional as the one in my story, in some ways.

See, that's what's hard for me! Because even though my spouse can be a royal pain, he was the only one who believed in me...knew I could do anything I wanted and encouraged me to keep going when I wanted to quit. But his attitude towards himself sucks. He doesn't even practice what he encourages in others. My spouse was better at almost everything too, he can't teach worth a crap but he was always so supportive and would share what he could. He was always willing to learn about my life and things he'd otherwise never care to learn about. It's those times where I think...what a good man...then there are those "other" times. Maybe that's why we keep finding ourselves sticking it through the tough times because they do have these extremely redeeming qualities. : /

Right? I could have been his ex-wife instead of his ex-girlfriend, lol!

Wow. Did YOU dodge a bullet, girl.

Tekk, that's one thing that I loved about MrG when we were dating...He was a musician, and way better than I was. But he has always encouraged me to be better, to sing, to write, to play. He's a dreadful teacher, and we clash as student and pupil, but he does let me be what I am. It's an amazing contradiction. He has also encouraged my painting/sculpting. Used to drag around to museums with me even though he didn't care.

Wow. I had something similar, not exactly but some events you described happened to me too. I thought he was compassionate...we'd travel the world together doing something like the red cross or peace corps, he was artsy like me and I thought we'd endlessly create together. But the malicious narcissistic side came out and the abusive one. One minute I was great, the next I was a "joke" to society. He used to criticize my sculptures...but I knew he had no idea what he was talking about. Good riddens. My eyes were opened when this loving "Christian" put my infant "nephew" (best friend's child) under discrimination after 9-11, his father and their family because they were Syrian. A lot of my friends were Syrian, Lebanese, ect...well, they were just friends and their background was never really an issue. I just talked about it more at the time because they were nervous about how people would treat them or if their friends would look at them differently for it. Well, he got physical with me when my back was turned because he was so brainwashed into thinking that people who sided with certain backgrounds of people were terrorists or something or just didn't "get it". I never looked back after that. I even think of the irrationality to that thought process and cringe. That so called "compassion" and love for all people was just a show, a ploy, a lead on. Disgusts me how some people lure others into such distrusting and manipulative relationships. I am so glad you got out of that situation.<br />
<br />
I mean, if someone loves you and even if you suck at guitar, they'd still love to hear you play it. Because they love just you. And respect your enjoyment of something you want to do...not take a big fart on it. But he can shove it because you kept on playing and kept that love for music. So there! : )

You thought that you and I are in a dysfunctional relationship, or that you're the man of my dreams?

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Before I read the story, I thought you were talking about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />

Michael - That's it exactly. I made excuses for this guy because of all the good things. But then one day there was a little tiny thing that happened that opened my eyes. This is bad, This is unhealthy...there are too many bad things and too few good...<br />
<br />
And, yes, I have recorded several of my songs. Over half of them have had the music written by someone else. The first two songs I ever wrote were even recorded/performed by someone else.

All relationships, like all people, have good and bad points. Sometimes the bad points have to exceed the good points before were willing to make a change. <br />
<br />
Just curious...have you ever recorded any of your songs. I've written lyrics for quite a few songs, but only recorded one. I'm not musically inclined myself, so I just write lyrics (that create a certain mood and tone), and then let the really talented people do the rest. LOL!!

Love is an odd thing sometimes. It can be hard to stay in the best relationships sometimes. I wonder why we feel so compelled to be in the toxic ones...I can't imagine myself as that weak little girl anymore, but she's as much a part of me as anything else...

Good for you for getting out!!! That you were able to shows immense strength, and I am proud of you for it!