It Was Time to Let Go

I had finally decided to let go of my past.  After my accident, I had a very hard time letting go of how my life was before.  That was probably one of the toughest things for me to let go of..I had to grasp and accept the reality that my so-called "normal" life before I was paralyzed was now forever gone. 

At first, everyone wanted to be around me, visit me, and spend time with me.  All of my friends made me feel so loved and so special.  Especially, my boyfriend, who was the driver in the accident.  He made me feel as if we were the only two people on this Earth.  He was so thankful that I was alive, but more importantly that I did not blame him for my injury.  I truly did not blame him..it was an accident, or so I thought.  From the moment, that I was aware of my surroundings, after I woke out of my coma, he was there loving me, pampering me, and making me feel like I was the only thing that mattered to him. 

Before the accident, our relationship was anything but stable.  He was very controlling, very selfish, and treated me like his property.  So this new feeling that he was giving me, was what I had always wanted from him.  Just to feel like I was the most important person in his life, was what I craved..and now, even under these circumstances, I was soaking it all in.  At the time, though, I suffered from amnesia due to the brain injury that I also had from the accident.  I remembered that we did not have the perfect relationship, that I had always wanted, but I did not remember the accident, or even the weeks prior for that matter.  I was not only blinded by his new affection for me, but also by memory loss at it's finest.

After the newness of the accident and my survival began to wear off, things started getting back to normal.  He still felt very guilty day by day, and started to take his guilt out on me in a negative way.  He began being rude to me when I asked him something simple like, to get me a drink..or when I was in pain, he would become angrily frustrated with me.  I could not understand why.  It was not my fault that I was in pain, or that I could not get out of bed.  But my blind eyes, could still not see that he had not changed from before the accident at all.  He was just trying to make himself feel better about what weighed on his heart, everyday that he saw me struggle with coming terms with my new life.  I started to realize, that I was living a lie.  I was trying to make him be that sweet, loving, and affectionate person that even before the accident, I had longed for.  He was not that person, nor was he ever going to be.  On top of everything, I now could not go hang out with my friends and have fun like I would before the accident to cope with our bad relationship..or rather should I say ignore our bad relationship.

I would cry on a daily basis, especially when summer came, and I could hear and see everyone outside playing volleyball, swimming, running around, and enjoying my favorite months out of the year.  My friends still came to see me, but when they left me, they headed to the hottest party of the night, a cookout, or the local club to dance..my favorite pastime before the accident.  At the time, I did not see that this was God's way of closing one door in my life, to allow a new and better one to open.  All that I could see was everyone having fun, and me being stuck in a bed, unable to ever walk or dance again. 

Soon, my boyfriend began to not come by as frequently, and when he did visit he would only stay for an hour or two and then leave to hang out with our friends.  He went right back to being the person that he was before the accident..right back to his life, just as he had left it...me on the other hand, I could not do that..I could never go back to the way it was before..my past was gone, but I was not yet willing to accept that reality.  I would be so devasted..and plead with God..why??  I just wanted my life before the accident back again.  I wouldnt even listen to music (which I truly cannot live without) because I could no longer dance to it, or because a certain song would remind me of a past memory of me walking.  I felt angry and alone...it just wasnt fair.

This depression and empty feeling went on for a while, and it wasnt until I found out that I was pregnant with my little girl that I began to see the reality of the situation.  It was like the black curtain was being lifted from my blind eyes.  My boyfriend had started becoming not only emotionally abusive, but physically abusive as well.  I knew that now, not only did I have myself and my future to think about, but also my unborn child's life to think of as well.  I had to begin to let go of my past life.  I had to let go of the immaturity that I possessed, the "friends", the parties, and most importantly the relationship that changed my life forever.  I couldnt bring my past back, not could I change the future as long as I stayed with the one person that held me down emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  I could not bring another innocent child into this world, and raise her to believe that it was ok to be treated this way.  I had to show her and my now three year old daughter how to be strong, independent, and how to really enjoy the life that God has given us.  I also knew that I was worth so much more than my boyfriend ever deserved.  I realized that his affection at first was only used to make me hyptnotized so that I could constantly reassure him that it wasnt his fault that I had lost my past life...and that he did indeed change me forever.  It was time to work on myself and reach for my dreams, my future..

I then began to let my past go..

UnperfectAngel UnperfectAngel
26-30, F
9 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Wow! What a powerful story. You are going to be the best mom, so caring and responsible. I am inspired. I lost a lot, my old life, due to the onset of a mental illness. I had to make major adjustments. It's not easy and I cried out to God Why why many times. I admire you for making the positive changes in your life. Good for you getting away from a man who treats you with less care, love and affection than you deserve and are willing to give him. I think you should write a book about your life so far. Many people would be helped and inspired. Thank you.:)

Fragil..I can only hope and pray..and as for the love life, it's a piece of cake :P LOL Thank you for your comment! Blessings, Angel

Well done you. Its great that you have let go of the past, so many people wouldnt have.<br />
You have lots to live for, so I wish you all the best in life.

Joey..thank you so much for your comment. I hope that I can be an inspiration to others..God Bless

Tayer..thank you so much for these encouraging words. Your comments mean the world to me...and it makes sharing this experience and even living this experience very worthwhile. God Bless *Angel

Again, '....angel,' <br />
I want to thank you for your courage. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Thank you for sharing your inner strength, hope and loving nature with me... and others. <br />
<br />
~Tayer09

Thank you for sharing a part of yourself. Just before I read your story - I was reading the following excerpt from "Forgive and Forget; by Lewis Smede."<br />
<br />
THEN I THINK THAT GOD SUFFERS WITH ME<br />
<br />
I do not feel much like forgiving someone for my suffering when he suffers as much as I do, maybe a lot more. When I complain to God, "Where were you when I needed you?" I think he says, ... "I was there hurting with you."<br />
Jesus wondered where God was when he was dying on the cross: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" But had God forsaken him? In retrospect, we know where God was while Jesus was hanging on the cross. God was not on leave of absence. He was in Jesus, suffering the pains of vulnerabe love.<br />
<br />
When I wonder where God is and what he is doing when I get hurt, one answer may be that he is in me and that my pains hurt him more than they hurt me. He is suffering with me, maybe to heal a small corner of this world through me. Maybe he suffers with us while he is working to bring about a new world where justice and peace embrace, and unfair pain is gone forever. This thought helps when I wonder if I should forgive God.<br />
(Lewis Smede)<br />
<br />
The Lord suffers with us when we suffer unfairly. Of this I'm certain. ~Tayer09

Wow...that is very powerful!...Sounds like you rose to the moment...as all survivors do...until they overcome...<br />
GOOD FOR YOU !!!

Thank you so much, hun. This was a really tough one for me to write, because it brought back all of those feelings that I let go of so long ago..but I am so glad that I was able to write it and share it with you all.