I Let My Husband Have A Mistress......

Ok some of you may call me crazy or stupid, but I really need to dish this out and maybe find someone who is in the same position as myself and maybe get some advice...... Well my marriage has been quite a complicated one, my husband is a sex addict he has cheated on my various times and its not because I don't give him sex because I do whenever, wherever, however.... but it seems like its not enough, but because of unfavorable circumstances we have been living in different countries for quite sometime, and because of that he had found himself a much younger female where he was and it turns out that she fell in love with him, now when i found this out of course I was crushed and had said that it was over because I couldn't do it, it hurt way too much because this wasn't just a one-night stand he actually had a relationship with her, they were living together and the whole bit...... he kept calling me saying that he loved me and wanted to be with me but all the pain was way too much and I stopped answering his phone calls and everything..... as time went on I thought i would try to move on as well seeing that my husband had a totally new life with this other girl, so i met someone and dated him for a very short period of time, and I told my husband about it because i was so mad and in a way I guess i wanted him to know that someone else wanted me too, but I broke off fling with the other guy because it just didn't feel right and it just made me realize how much i really love my husband and that I wasn't ready to let him go..... but to make the long story short my husband and I did not talk for a very long while and we both assumed that he had his life and I had mine, but somehow we started speaking again and of course because of his ego he says that he loves me but can't see me the same way because someone else touched me (even though he's done the same thing!) but that he does love me, doesn't want to lose me that I'm his wife and will always be his wife etc etc... BUT he also says that he can't leave the new girlfriend because she's amazing, and she's been there for him and that she loves him, and that he thinks he loves her too.... but he can't choose between the both of us because he loves us both and he just can't choose...... now I know you will be saying "leave him now!" and trust me I've said that to myself also, but I just can't I love him and even though I haven't really met the other girl, I know she's a good person too by the stuff he tells me (I don't know her but I like her as a person) and I've had long conversations with my husband about the fact that he has to choose, he still says he can't because even when he talks to her about it she also tells him that she won't let go cause she loves him...... and he says that even if he chooses one he can't let go of the other...... and I plan to move to where he is to be close to him and well she lives close by too..... now I know there are lots of husbands out there who cheat on their wifes and they don't even know about it, and so i figured maybe this could work, if i let my husband have this mistress that way I already know the type of person she is and i could possibly get used to it? Is this crazy or a good possibility? I have no idea I know all this is very taboo but I choose this man to be my husband and I want to make it work.....

theunderstandingwife theunderstandingwife
22-25, F
19 Responses Jan 2, 2010

Hi Wife,I am a husband of a beautiful woman. We have been married for a twenty years and we get children. I love her so much, but I loved another woman too recently. My wife suffered a lot of years because of that, and still facing what she calls an affair with the another woman. I meet the another woman in a moment when my wife breaks me with no apparent reason save of her emotional instability. For many years she applied me the "Silent treatment" with no reason. Always I was a loyal husband and the best friend. We are sexually active, over normal. Once time I let her have a sexual encounter with another man, conditioned I could meet another woman too. It never was because her egoism. Albeit, I didn't matter it, because I thought she was needing another sexual experience in her life after of me. I felt betrayed time after. She's a home dedicated wife, lovely mother, and intelligent person, but she's emotionally egoist to me. I suffered in silence the fact normative social of the faithless behavior, specially because the female solidarity sees the man as the great monster sex addict. Actually I love both and it was painful to take a choose. I felt complete with both. It's not about sexual issues or the male instinct for spread his seed. Each of them is an unique and marvelous woman in each of her dimensions. I think it's about the soul connections. My wife and the another woman, met each other to talk. They think the another is a good person and they both love me, but they couldn't accept a polygamous relation. I don't want you to think I'm a cheeky. But love can't be pigeonholed in the equivocal precepts of polygamy and religion. I didn't need anyone but the two of them. Today, I am alone with my wife because she didn't accept that in my heart there was already someone besides her. Our relationship was great then, but now there are only problems between the two, because my wife doesn't forget the other woman even though long ago moved away from my life. I suggest that if you can be friends with her and both love the same man, break the rules and be happy all three.

Listen dear, low self esteem or no self esteem, 'men will be men'. They have a wicked willy & need to spread their seeds. You wrote it yourself, all men cheat at some point. But knowing it is not a good thing, try and forget about all that happened. Start a new life with your husband. Have an arrangement with him, so that he never discusses the other women in front of you & hides it well. As for you, look the other way from time to time & be happy with it.
I mean, there is no point in feeling guilty about this. Because that's the way men are. You can't help it.
And don't try to find out what he does in his free time. You will only hurt yourself. Accept it & move on. Hope you find happiness.

I dont know? To be honest? Im trying now to just accept the fact that hes with another girl it hurts but he cant just stop. I had a relationship with a guy with a thought that it would make me realize my worth but.ended up I was like my husband the one playing around aswell. I became the person I hate. When my husband came back still.. I chose him though now he has done the same thing with thelast otherwoman he had. I dont know if I would just let them or forget about it. Its very easy to say to leave its very easy to say move on but when you met the bestfriend/boyfriend/husband/ the father of your kids its just hard to move without givibg gdamn fight for it. Right now im exhausting every single pain and tearsI have. i maybe masters of numbness and openness to this or who knows maybe id try to look for someone better.. xoxo I feel you 😢

You don't have "issues". You have an open heart and you are questioning a social-construct that seeks to measure love based on how much people are willing to sacrifice for it. This social structure doesn't work… obviously… everyone gets divorced, "cheats" (a terrible word), has weird expectations, and people are like shocked it doesn't work out. It must be very difficult to be you because you are moving into a paradigm that has zero social support-- I mean, look at all these people telling you you're crazy and have no self-esteem. People are spoon fed a value system at like five years old and then never bother to question it. You are. Its very lonely to be a person who thinks and feels for herself.

I am not sure if you are still in this relationship. I think its wise to listen your inner voice and ask yourself some important questions like, "what do you need to be happy?" Do you need a husband who proves he loves you by never showing love to another? What do you need to be happy? Is he supportive to you? Does he enhance your well being? Does he make you more feminine, does he make you smile? If he makes your life better in every possible way he can, then what's it to you if he enjoys another woman? Who cares? Do you love him and trust him? Then let him go do what he needs to do to be the man you love.

Read "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Dieda and "On Relationships: Love, Freedom and Aloneness" by Osho.

Best wishes Angel

I think every adult woman needs to learn the art of 'looking away' from time to time. And give a man his space, to be all that he wants to be. You can't control a man's eyes, it's going to wander. You can't control a man's willy either, it's going to stray. You can only try & control his heart, so that no matter where he goes to; at the end of the day, he'll come home to you. That is love & that should be enough, for any reasonable woman out there.

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Have you ever considered polygamy? A man's nature is polygamous. Instead of hiding - it might help him stay at home by having 2 wives and all the sex he needs.
We are a group of women who advocate polygamy - one man/2 wives.
Mister newmuslimstv, here at Ep (I love polygamy) writes very convincingly about the advantages of Polygamy.

It CAN work. And I realize all of the "sage advice" of the masses being presented here.....but the fact is that you need to decide what's right for you. And the same cookie-cutter solutions do not work for everyone. But you need to do this openly and honestly and move to what is called an Open Marriage. Many people (myself included) have polyamorous relationships. And part of the deal is that you are also able to explore and love openly, should you also choose. In other words, you get the same terms as husband. Good luck.

Again thank you to all, I really do have to think about this cause I know that at the end of the day I would not ever be ok with him being with someone else. But I have no idea what will eventually happen, I guess I'll have to wait until I see him to finally figure all this out, but it gets tough because we are married have a lil one, and the big fact that I care for him..... but all you do have a big point, I think when it comes to him I do have a low self-esteem which I know I need to work on because i never knew I had it (its weird), the other interesting this is that I don't really need him financially, Ive always been a very independant women when it comes to that kind of stuff cause I've always had to take care of myself, it just sucks that I'm dependant on him with feelings cause I can't seem to let go when I know I have to..... I should just let him go with her and I'll keep going on my own..... I know thats what I should do but its dumb of me that even when I think about it I get a huge knot in my stomach and I feel like bursting out...... man I do have issues huh?

I don't know where you are in life today but I hope you are OK and happy.

You are the wife n he won't leave you but he wont touch u Cruz someone else touched u? When he is living with a woman NOT his wife?

Does / did he cheat on this younger mistress? If not, why not? If yes, then why does he need you when he gets enough n more AND doesn't plan on scr**ring u?

Leave this man. Its not love for him but the fear of the unknown future more than anything. He doesn't care for you. Accepting that is another dimension of your fear. You are financially independent, lived without him for long so what's to fear!? You didnt die... U have a life without him....a better one.

Power to you.

i think you should actually talk to this other girl..because its only him telling you about their relationship? what happens if she doesnt know? I would talk to her...find out everything....and do you actually want to share your husband? What happens if he loves her more? Like i still love some of my exs but i know there not good for me...i still care about them..but i know they couldnt give me what i deserved....you have to think hard about this...ask every possible question you can think of...because honestly....i would never share my husband!!

As Dr Phil would say.... What the hell are you thinking? ....<br />
Of course he will have a lover if you let him, he cares more about his **** than he does for you. <br />
You have low self esteem and he is showing what an uncaring person he really is by stringing you along and using you. Go get a new man and tell your husband the new man " is way better in bed than him" and that will hurt him like he hurt you. I think you deserve more respect than you are getting and nothing will change unless you make it change. Get tough lady and get out of the relationship.

Tell your hubby he has to go Mormon...I keep thinking of the show Big Love... <br />
<br />
Does this girl even know about you? Can she be this good of a person if she would sleep with a married man?<br />
<br />
I know you love him, but he does not love you like that. He has his cake and is eating it too...otherwise he would just pick up one night stands or hookers for his sex addiction. This relationship with the "Mistress" is much more than sexual addiction... it is a relationship which he has no problems telling you about, even though he knows it hurts you....<br />
<br />
I think, even with an open mind about this, you are settling for someone because of low self esteem or something. I would divorce him, take half, and then see what he has to say...

I can agree with WTHAY on the "we can't help who we love" thing. However you do deserve your happiness! <br />
<br />
I was with my husband for four years. He cheated on me 3 times. I knew about it. I stayed with him although it hurt me deeply when push came to shove. I got sicker and sicker (I have a buffet of mental illnessess and MS) because of the heartache and misery I went through. We also have two small girls together which made it harder.<br />
<br />
I know you love him but remember you deserve to be happy!

Hey,<br />
Whatever works for you.<br />
<br />
I gotta say though,<br />
that your husband's a douche.<br />
<br />
But we can't help who we love, right?

Thank you, you all have a point, yea I know that its not logic and i'm selling myself short, but to be honest I'm so confused because my head says one thing and my heart is saying the opposite.... argh this is frustrating, but I really need to find options or something cause i'm gonna lose my head or something =s

I think you are selling yourself short. Why do think that you deserve a guy that has a mistress? When you start to believe within yourself that you deserve better (love, respect, to be the one and only) then you will move on and find true love. Good luck.

What were your vows exactly? It depends on what you value. Whatever the outcome you have no one but to blame but yourself for your decisions. You can learn to love again, it may never be the same kind of love, but it maybe better in the sense that someone is really loving you.

Hi wife.
Once your husband cheats then he becomes different person to the one that you committed to, and you will have to get to know him all over again. It can be a very long haul and you will never forget the lack of trust. If he cheats/gets a mistress, then what he is saying is that you are not good enough.

I personally will never share or never be second best. And also think that you are better than this. If your man upsets you and doesnt care, get rid immediately for your own well-being.