Why Can't I Resist Him?...

I've tried my hardest to push him away, but he won't give up, he just won't quit not now probably never, till he gets what he wants from me and that is something I definately do not want to be giving to such an undeserving man like he who is married.
You know, I had the chance to runaway before I got entangled in his web of lies, I don't know why I made myself believe that he is different maybe because I saw his kids, mind you, they are surely way older than I, so i believed it couldn't be any harm to just reply his message but something at the back of my head told me not to reply, just delete the message and forget about him, now I wonder why I didn't listen because now I'm being manipulated by him to do things I don't want to do and I just don't want to runaway because I love to be taken advantage of, I love to be needed, but overall I just want to be loved.
I'm sure we're all familiar with "Cyber-Sex" or "Cam-Sex" anyway before I get into the details of how we came about doing that, I must confess that I could be found guilty for letting things get too far because I have a weird tendency to like older men, because I'm quite skinny and weak, I like the idea of having someone being able to pick me up n basically do as they please with me,push me around and make me do whatever he wants because I can't fight back and I easily give-up because I get so turned on I loose control and just give in to what he wants, but I really don't want to give in to him, he doesn't love me, deep down I know that, no matter how much he tells me so, deep down I know it can never be true and I honestly don't want to be hurt.
I can't resist his voice, because he knows the right tone to use on me and it just gets my panties soaking wet and when that happens it's him I want and no one else and he knows that, being an extremely horny teen is not something I can cope with much longer and he just finds a way use it against me. I tell him how I feel about something I think is wrong , I end up feeling stupid because he'll tell me it's not, he is a lot older than me after all, so he must be right, right?
So he's telling me how it's not wrong for me to do stuff on cam, but I know it's wrong, I know deep down it's wrong, I tell him to give-up but what does he do instead of just telling in a normal tone he's not giving up he say's in a way that just makes me go crazy, n when he said it like that, there is no way on earth you could not tell I was horny by the way I said "pleeeaase give up", n we were moaning the words "give up" and "I won't give up" to eachother and I slowly gave into him, before I did stuff on cam for him, I had a panic attack, I was telling him to stop asking me to take my clothes off but he didn't listen, I was begging him to stop, and I just panicked, because I felt like throwing up just from hearing him **********, so I couldn't handle it n slammed my laptop shut, but I told him I was sorry because I'm just that stupid, and he made feel so guilty for something that I didn't need to feel guilty for, I felt so guilty I just took of all my clothes and did what he wanted, I just wanted him to leave me alone, I cried throughout the whole thing cause I feel like a ****, but he couldn't care less as long as I did what he wanted and then I thought If I was to ever be stupid enough to meet this guy (which he wants) I would probably get raped if I said no to him, and I can't fight at all and I really just want him to leave me alone but he keeps telling me not to runaway from him, he made me promise.
Now I'm sat here thinking what is absolutely wrong with me, why am I allowing this to escalate and I all I can say is I want to be saved, because I know what's going to happen if I let him have his way with me, I can't resist being submissive to someone, I just want someone to hold me and say it's okay so I can just cry my heart out.
JamBear JamBear
18-21, F
Nov 26, 2012