I Can't Trust My Own Judgement

I'm a mousy person but I don't know what other way to be.  It just feels natural.  I feel guilty when I do stand up for what I want and have to be mean about it (cause often you do have to **** somebody off, even if it means just being assertive).  When I get what I want then I don't even want it because of guilt.  My mother is very much the opposite of me and pushes me to stand up and do things that make me shudder with fear like turn in a coworker or supervisor that did me wrong.  I hardly have any real friends.  I have a college degree and can't move up the career latter and now I'm stuck in a dead end job.  Why?  Because people don't respect me.  I'm horrible at flaunting myself or trying to sell myself at an interview because my self esteem is equivalent to the brain power of a cockroach and people can read that.  No matter how hard I try, people can read that I hate myself.  Don't even get me started on my dating experiences but I've always been the one to be dumped.  Also I've ended up sleeping with guys I really don't want to sleep with out of a sense of entitlement because they listened to my feelings and spent a lot of money on me.  This is so unorganized and hard to follow but I just got to get it all out.  I can't stand for someone to be upset with me and not like me.  I try to keep my feelings pent up until they come out in a rage of fury (why I always get dumped I become a dramatic diva on steroids).  Now I can't even get in a relationship because I've been hurt soo much and feel soo misunderstood that I'm scared of men.  They always take advantage of me because I'm not assertive at all in what I say or my body language.  When I nice one comes along I just quietly disappear from them, embarrassed because I don't feel entitled to good treatment because I don't think I'm good enough for them.  Yet I'm sick of the bad treatment.  I also always become attracted to the ones that are bad for me and turned off by nice ones.  I'm angry inside at myself for feeling this way.  I'm angry with the jerks that took advantage of me.  I'm angry at all the times I didn't get the job that I felt I could be trained to do.  Now I'm stuck making 9.30 an hour working with kids that want to beat the crap out of me and with coworkers that do nothing but yell and scream at the kids and then push me to act like them.  Ok yes the kids at my job do take advantage of me but I feel like I'm abusing them if I yell.  My mother always yelled at me and I know how it hurt me!  I also always cover shifts I don't want to cover when someone calls in.  What I want to know is how do I stand up for what I want when I feel that I'm entitled to nothing.  I've been used so much by men, yelled at by my parents, grew up poor and bullied constantly growing up that I feel like any kindness I get is worth a million bucks.  I'm pissed off at people but whenever an enemy just shows kindness to me, all the wrongs they did, even if they don't apologize become invisible in my eyes.  This is the greatest way I let people walk on me.  I can't tell people that probably deserve it to f*** off and push them out of my life for good.  BECAUSE all I want is to be LOVED. 

angryinside angryinside
22-25, F
Feb 14, 2009