He Walked Away With My Heart...For almost 5 years I had a wall around me not allowing anyone to get close to me. I was protecting myself from disappointment, heartache and pain. I had been through 2 very abusive relationships...1 with my ex husband and the other with my daughters father. I thought I needed time to heal myself and focus on me and my daughter having a better life. Never was looking for a relationship or a boyfriend. Didn't want one. I was content....but a bit lonely.
Then this incredible guy came into my life. We were just friends but over time my feelings for him evolved into admiration and love. I fell in love with who he was...a kind, caring, compassionate, honest & respectful man. His quirks and flaws were adorable. He was simply amazing and a wonderful friend. I tried to fight back my feelings but after being reassured by him i allowed the wall to come down and welcomed him into my heart. It had been so long since I cared about someone that I forgot about the possibility of getting hurt.
Life was grand and I felt what true happiness was. Life was perfect ...I had no complaints. We had been planning a dream holiday together and were working out the final details. Then one night it all came to an end. It was out of nowhere and was something I never saw coming. He told me that our friendship was over. No explanation...no excuse. I pleaded with him to please talk to me about it. Not to make any rash decisions without thinking about the consequences. He had a tendency to be impulsive at times. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say. I told him I didn't want him to go but he said he already made up his mind and wasn't going to change it. I was devasted and so confused. I had no idea what was going on. I was angry at him for not allowing me to speak. I don't recall what I said exactly but I know my last words during that conversation were..."I hate you."
For the last 2 months I have hated myself for saying that. But I was angry at what he was doing. I realize now that I had every right to be upset. That I shouldn't hold it against myself because what he did to me deserved it. Although he probably sees it differently. I don't think he sees what he did wrong...probably justifying it in his head in some irrational way. Blinding himself to the reality of it.
I'm so sorry I said that. I didn't mean it. It just came out. You hurt me beyond words. If I could take it back I would but it still wouldn't change anything that you did. It was only a reaction to your action.
I miss him so very much. I would've done anything for him. I never thought he would leave like he did. I had so much faith in what we shared that it left me devasted. If he was to ever come back I know I would let him in without hesitation. Probably not the smartest thing for me to do but I love him that much. He made me happy...happier then I've ever been. Never knew loving somebody completely could feel so good. He was my true love and my best friend. I took a risk loving him...and I lost everything.
hadyourchance 31-35, F 3 Responses 2 Apr 16, 2012