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What Did You Expect To Happen?

You had no right to insert yourself into my marriage.  You had no right to sleep with my husband and I don't know what you thought you were going to gain by doing so.  Yes, this is his fault.  It's also yours.  I really don't give a damn who the pursuer was, the fact is, YOU knew that he was married and that makes you just as responsible as he is.  You can try to deflect the blame all you want, but I hold you equally responsible.  What kind of woman knowingly sleeps with a married man KNOWING that there is no chance for a future??  Why would you do that to anyone, but most of all yourself?  I don't get it.  You must have a very low view of yourself if you were willing to take another woman's scraps.  You preyed on his vulnerabilities and had hoped that he would leave his family for you, even when he told you there was no chance of him ever leaving.  I think that you tried your best to manipulate him and use his vulnerabilities to continue the affair.  My God, even when he called you and told you that I knew, you still begged him to talk with you so that you could give him your thoughts on the matter.  Did you REALLY believe that YOUR thoughts, the thoughts of the person intruding on our marriage, would matter to either one of us????  Sorry, sister, but my husband had more important things to think about than what was on your mind.  See how important you were to him?


I think it's horribly unfair that I did nothing wrong yet I am the one suffering the most.  I see the grief and remorse in my husband's eyes and I know that if he could go back and change things, he would.  He wishes that he never would have met you, and thankfully, he's realized that his feelings for you were nothing but pure fantasy.  An escape from the daily stresses of life.  They weren't real.  You could have been ANYBODY...it was never about YOU.  You just happened to be there.  The thing is, it wasn't about me or our marriage, either.  It was about how he felt about himself.  Yep, that's right, you were nothing but an ego boost.  Yes, maybe you had your little fling with him for a short time, but at the end of the day, he chose his wife without a second's hesitation.  All you were was a huge mistake that he regretted instantly.  So, what does that leave you with?  Nothing. You're left with absolutely nothing, so I ask you, was it worth it?  Was causing another woman to suffer this way worth what you got in the end?  

I can't believe how jealous you got over him living his "real life"...what the hell did you expect?  He was very honest with you from the start and told you that he would never leave me.  Didn't it give you a clue when you would get angry and want to see him more often but all he could spare for you was an hour or so every couple of weeks?  

I think you were a golddigger.  You grew up as a country club brat and you thought that being with my husband would give you the same status that your mom enjoyed.  Guess what...he may be your "ideal" man, but he's mine.  Got that?  MINE.

Someday you will know this devastating agony that I am feeling...someday some tramp will slither her way into your relationship and when you're laying on the floor in a crumpled heap of devastation barely able to breathe because of the horrible grief and pain, you'll think of me.

My marriage is going to be fine...as a matter of fact, my husband and I will be stronger than before.  We already are.  He loves ME and is doing everything in his power to right his wrongs....you?  You get nothing.  He wants nothing to do with you and regrets the day he ever first spoke with you.





 


 

faithinus faithinus 36-40 37 Responses Mar 18, 2010

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I'm sorry about your pain. I'm sorry it happened to you. But you sound very selfish. Maybe it's just your anger I'm hearing. You have every right to be angry, but this situation causes horrible pain for EVERYONE involved. People don't just set out to hurt other people. Things happen. This woman had no loyalty to you. You wanted to be with someone you loved, so did she. I'm not justifying her actions or saying it's right, but people are human. You can't choose who you fall in love with. People aren't just good or bad. Don't you understand that? YOU must have vey low self-esteem as well for staying with someone who would do this to you. Was this other woman lying to her spouse or hurting her family? Was she continuing a relationship despite knowing the person she married would be devastated? Did she make a promise to be faithful to anyone? No. That was your husband. He proceeded knowing fully the consequences of his actions. Blaming the other woman, believing that your husband is so sorry, believing that he was taken advantage of, these are all things that allow these men to get away with their actions. Our husbands cheat on us and we go after the other woman? You are hurting yourself and women everywhere. You say that now he thinks nothing of her, that he doesn't want anything to do with her. You say she was nothing but an ego boost? If he is actually telling the truth, what does that say about HIM? He is willing to use another human-being for his own advancement and then throw her away like garbage? You must understand that she is suffering too. She will always be blamed, she will always be told she is stupid, selfish, bad because she fell for a married man. She will be suffering greatly, be brokenhearted and hurt, just like you, only in a different way. Perhaps she, too, lost the love of her life. Perhaps being with him was the only moment of happiness she had in her life Like you said, she probably has nothing now. And she will have no one to blame but herself. She will live with that guilt the rest of her life. You could argue that she deserves it. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying you don't know why, until you've walked in her shoes. Just because HE chose to stay in the marriage, does not mean that you should. Often cheating isn't a one time incident. Yes, people can change, but cheaters often keep cheating. Stop blaming. Grow up. Have some self-respect. If you are still with this man, I would seriously question your life choices.

So very true!

Have you ever been cheated on by your husband? Do you know what it's like to have your family break apart and its all out of your control. How dare you tell this women she needs to grow up and have some self respect. It takes a grown women to forgive. I don't think you or anyone is in the right position to tell her what she should do with her life or question her choices. We all make our our decision and what she chose to do is not easy. The easy way out is saying I want a divorce but working through infidelity takes a toll on you, so again you shouldn't be judging this person because you don't know what she is going through and most likely going through this alone. Only someone who hasn't been through this would easily sympathize with the other women. "I think it's horribly unfair that I did nothing wrong yet I am the one suffering the most." I understand what this person is going through she didn't write this letter for anyone but herself, it was her way of learning how to accept what happen and move forward. The whole time this affair was going on the mistress was prob. laughing and enjoying the misery she brought on so good for her, she stood up for herself and said what was on her mind.

Spoken like a true OW. ;).

I am sick of the "she broke no vows/ owed you no loyalty" malarkey. We, as human beings, owe it to each other to do no harm. She harmed me. In fact, she harmed me worse than anything in my life has ever harmed me before. My husband did too...they both get the blame, and now 5 years later, they have both received the forgiveness.

For the record, the ow read this letter and we then conversed months later....she was full of regret and remorse for her actions. She didn't make up stupid excuses...she just apologized. Imagine that! Remorse can go a long way.

How am I selfish? I was the victim in this scenario...I just cannot say anymore because it is just too ridiculous.

taranton, the person who gets cheated on is typically the least blame-worthy in the situation. They are the only one remaining loyal and hurting nobody. You seem to have the most blame for the one person who did nothing to hurt the marriage. While I agree with you that the married person who cheats is the most to blame, in all fairness, probably many more men would cheat if all women everywhere just ignored the rings on mens' fingers and flirted with them anyway. Fortunately, most women don't do that. They respect the ring as signaling the man is married, meaning he is no longer available. She simply should not have gotten to know him well enough for him to become "the love of her life". He's married. If she is hurting now, good! Hopefully she'll remember that hurt next time she meets a married man, as it is apparently only the potential for her own hurt that will prevent her from hurting others. The women who "hurt women everywhere" are the women who cheat with married men. They actually do have that in common with the men who cheat.

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The situation you describe is almost exactly the same as mine. The other woman was my friend and neighbour. I am constantly thinking of how I can make her understand what she did to me. She just doesn't seem to get, or maybe she just doesn't care. Whenever I tried to tell her what a horrible things she's done, she simply ignores me. She doesn't respond to emails or texts and refuses to look in my direction of I run into her in the street. My husband and I are going to marriage counselling but, despite the fact that he desperately wants to stay together, I doubt I'll ever feel the same way for him again as I used to. I know exactly where you're coming from. This woman preyed on my husband to try to find a way of exiting her own unhappy marriage. She managed to separate from her husband but I can't do the same as I don't have any paid employment after ten years out of the paid workforce (children, living overseas and study). I am so so unhappy. I wish I never met the *****!

you are seriously staying with him because of money? that is pretty pathetic of you.

It is pretty pathetic of you, Taronton, to beat up on this woman when you don't know if she has a way of feeding her children or not if she leVes. You sure are judge mental, aren't you?

you are seriously staying with him because of money? that is pretty pathetic of you.

TEOW...
I wanted to add, she is going to "forgive" him.
Saying that, is alot easier than moving out of his custom built home.
After all, "IT"just happened "once"....
once that lasted for 10 years !
Show& Know your worth.... DUMP the CHUMP !
I found a great website Chumplady.com
You will love it !

WOW ... how bitter !
You sound really ...."happy".
Are you the warden or wife ?
I am the "evil other woman", I had a loving,intellectual, sexual affair. My MM was on Ashley Madison for 10 of the 11 yrs he has been married.
He married a homely piece of "trailer trash".. literally. He gave her a luxury home (with a pre-nup she can't keep,) a leased Mercedes, and a C.C. membership, large boat, lake house. See why she stays ?
He has been very unhappy for a long time. 10 yrs. on A.M..... you think ?
She knows all of this because he told her, he thought she would leave.
I always reassured him she would never leave....
she is a "gold-digging piece of traller trash!"
I NEVER asked or pressured him to leave her.... I had tried to get him to go to counseling because he is in an abusive marriage.
He kept stalling.... I told him not to let his wife find out, because she would make his life a living hell !
After 2.5 years... she found a text I sent , breaking it off with him AGAIN!
She called me, called me a ***** , I hung up . She proceeded to call and harass me 6 times in all .
SO....I called the police... now she has 6 counts of phone harassment against her !
I never wanted her to know... and she is such a "desperate hag" that she is holding on for dear life, or rather "life-style".
He didn't want to get a divorce, second marriage for both... no kids, he is older, he didn't want to split assets. He is very sorry... sorry his "best of both worlds " has ended.
When I asked why not be honest with "W".
Yes !
He said "cheaper to keep her "
Leave me out of your psycho drama.
And it IS YOUR fault as well as "H" that the marriage has detiorated to the point he is paying $$$$ to find a companion.
I never told him to look up Ashley Madison, create a profile, pay 250.00 plus 50-65.00 a month to find an an affair partner.. for the 7 years he was on, before he contacted me.
She is as screwed up as he is... they are lucky to have each other.!
Don't worry about ME ever wanting your"H" he is a LIAR and a CHEAT.
I can do better, I deserve better..
apparently you are willing to settle for my "rejects".
TEOW.. xo
chumplady.com

Of course I was bitter, I wrote it shortly after DDay. It's been three years now, and after a heartfelt apology from the other woman, I am at peace now. Not bitter at all.

You, however, DO sound very angry. O.k., I get that, but why so angry with the wife? She may not be pretty, but she obviously has some redeaming qualities that are keeping him with her.

And aren't you the special one? I mean, you enter her life without her knowledge or consent and completely destroy it, but she can't call you without it being harassment?

You just don't sound like a very nice woman. :( I hope things turn around in your life and you stop messing with married men. Only then will you find peace and happiness.

I wish you the best.

faithinus, I can\'t tell for sure, but teow kinda strikes me as a troll who is just trying to advertise another website (spamming this one). I wouldn\'t take anything posted by teow too seriously. I am really sorry to read about your misfortune, but you certainly do articulate well what is likely the thoughts and feelings of many others who are also in your shoes. A good friend of mine had a husband who left her for a younger woman, and I was just shocked because I didn\'t know how anyone could leave her. She was such an intelligent, sweet and kind woman. She deserved better than him to begin with, but the two of them had children, so I knew it was extra heartbreaking for her. I especially liked how you point out that these guys are just after an ego boost, and will flirt with any young girl who is willing to flirt back. It\'s much more about his ego than about the girl, as they are often a dime a dozen (especially if they are dense enough to flirt with a married man). Your husband chose you when he married you. He said \"I do\" to you and simply \"let\'s have a fling\" to her. It\'s too bad he needed a reminder that he chose you, but unfortunately some men are just like that, and some women actually think that they are something special if a guy will sleep with them, even with no future commitment.

hi. I just posted a link to your article on my blog. I found your post a year and a half ago when healing, seeking support for my situation. I hope this doesn't go to your spam--as i am sending you a link-ish to my site. Feel free to ask me to remove it if you are not comfortable with it. Thank you. I hope your marriage is still going strong. We, too, are "survivors" your "letter" is linked to yesthisreallydidhappen dot blogspot dot com and if you don't mind i would also like to link it to my website yesthisreallydidhappen dot com

Fellowsurvivor, I'm so happy this helped you. I don't mind at all if you link this letter...writing these words helped me at the time, and if it can help someone else, then I'm thrilled. Take care!

I hope things have worked out for this wife. I could have written this letter, even though my husband left me, finally, for his mistress. She is now married to him. They met before we did and could have chosen each other. Instead, they ruined my life. I pulled myself back together. I have work I enjoy and I live each day as it comes. I have not dated since we split up and I have no desire to date. That part of me feels dead. I doubt I will ever trust a man enough to even go on a date. That is what being married to a serial cheater did to me. If you cheat, or help someone cheat, you are guilty of destroying lives. Its that simple.

Team EP, how devisive is this for the sisterhood. Personally I loved the letter. In 19 years, I never cheated on my exwife and she never cheated on me (not that I know of). But I wanted to. I wanted rampant hot sex. With a hot looking chick. Thats all we ever want when a bloke strays. I dont think its cause we want to hurt our wives, and no husband WANTS to end his marriage or family. Married or living together, you give a bloke 4 things...you dont berate him about everything he does (of course the big stuff has to be discussed but if its matter of 3 burner BBQ or 4...give him some space), you teach him what would make you happier (talking, suggestions when watching TV or after a cuddle), you make love to him and let him make love to you regularly, and you show him how much you love him (texts, naughty emails...and dont worry he will pickup the hint and send em right back...well he will if hes got any brains), and YOU will be Hot looking chick and YOU will get hot rampant sex. Of course some blokes are just idiots and will lose the perfect woman cause they want more then this. Fools. R

I can hardly believe it's been three years, but it's been worth it. My husband and marriage are wonderful. It's not been easy, but we've done it.

The OW has also been forgiven and I wish her well.

I am sorry for the pain you've endured and hope you find peace.

I hate it when people say 'once a cheater always will cheat' sound easy to say but How sure are you that the next man you get won't cheat on you, disrespect, or even be more unbearable? Unless your single but if your married and got kids and your husband confesses and regrets what he did, his been a good father, provider and supportive. I think that's ok, all you need is to keep your eyes wide open.. Everyone deserves a second chance.. We're Human beings!!!

Right so I can spend the rest of my life keeping my eyes open to watch you?? No. A woman who values herself would NEVER spend her life watching her husband tomake sure he doesnt cheat. And I think he cheated for a reason maybe just maybe you the wife should step your game up... just saying

Have you look inward to see what you did wrong to cause him to stray? The fault is yours, not hers and certainly not your husband. He went to where he was wanted and loved. That's all. Any marriage in my opinion that lasts more than 10 years is a good marriage. This contract needs to renewed every 10 years because people change.

You cannot tell some women the truth. They are invested in makingit all someone elses fault.

Please please get the hell off your soapbox. You dont deserve a damm medal becaue you didnt have the self respect enough to leave a cheater. You women kill me with this crap. You stayed because you didnt want to be 40 and single. You didnt want to lose plain and simple.

You are wrong. I'm sure that is what all other women like you chose to think so you won't feel like idiots. I told my husband to leave if he wanted her so much. He didn't. He had been trying to break it off with her but she wouldn't get it. I found out when she left a desperate text saying she was committing suicide. Whatever! She knew she was losing him and was trying everything to get him to stay. He begged me to give him another chance. You all have no clue as to what a REAL relationship is. You live in a fantasy world. Yes I blame my husband most of all but she knew he was married and did not hesitate. Like I said he begged me to give him another chance , said she meant nothing to him and threw her to the curb like yesterday's trash. Even then she tried to get to him anyway she could. She was even calling me and after my brother in law told her off then she tried to get close to him as a way to always be around. He told her sorry I don't take my brother's sloppy seconds. Who is the desperate one ?

Wait... You decide to stay with a man who cheated on you and moreover you actually believe that it was one time???? But women like me don't know anything about relationships?? Women like me have SELF RESPECT!!! We women like me will not let a man disrespect us so we can continue to say Oh Im married. We women like me dont sell our souls or place our self worth on a man saying he's sorry and it will never happen again. We women like me have to guts to move on to stand on our own two feet. Now Women like you Women who have to explain every detail of the other woman's reaction to prove to themselves that he really loves you that's just plain pathetic! You are rambling on and on about her suicide attempt, how he begged you to take him back blah blah blah! Women like you Need the value that a marriage provides you. You will tell the world how you stay for your kids no no no you stay because you dont want to be... single. So you too get off your soap box because the only thing your husband is thinking is It's cheaper to keep her.

Whatever you say! Like I told her if believing that makes you feel better about yourself go for it. I really don't care. Yes I do have self respect. I respect myself enough not to be someone's seconds. You claim to have self respect .. If you had any you would love yourself more and demand to be first in his life. No, I'm not afraid to be single. I can support myself and don't need a man . On the other hand, I think the other woman is the one who is so afraid to be single that she takes any man .

The very essence of your arguement is so sad I actually now see why he cheated in the first place... Oh wait that's right there is a REASON he started a relationship with this other woman yes yes that's right. No you do need a man how else will you validate arguements with complete strangers about your cheating husband. Standing by a cheat doesnt make you strong it makes you a sucker and yes really desparate...

Oh and you sooo do care what I think that's why your here...

Whatever I got on here cuz I liked what the original post wrote. I agreed with it. You and I will never agree. I believe that if he loved her- which he proved he didn't he would not have hidden her instead he would have left me and stayed with her. I don't care what "women " like you think. I wanted to understand what kind of "woman" would do that to another woman. I guess it doesn't matter. She's out of our lives and my husband and I are more in love than ever. Good luck in your life and may you find happiness but not on the expense of another's unhappiness.

By the way you sound very bitter .. Did your married man stay with his wife or are you upset because she didn't kick him out like you probably hoped she would when she found out?

Oh you miss understand Im not a man poacher just smart enough to know my own self worth Im not beholding on a man to make me happy simply for the title of Mrs. Bitter is an emotion shared by the masses for example your bitter because your husband found happiness with another woman. And as much as you say we are happier then ever it's a sham. You are now the chick that calls ever 5 minutes. You are the type of woman who spys in his spys in his emails you are the chick who believes it when he says it was all a mistake that the other woman was crazy DENIAL! Some women will do and believe anything to stay in a relationship they love him instead of loving themselves. So forgive me for standing up proudly and saying I love me to much to EVER let a man confuse me, lie to my face, or worse have me bashing another woman for his lies. Your husband is a cheater and you are now an enabler, security guard, watch dog, undercover spy lol all to be his Mrs????? a cheater and a liars wife??? Good Luck with that.

MelonBall I am reading through your posts and they are giving me strength to keep on walking. She can keep him and believe whatever she wants including that my child was the product of a one night stand. Some women don't get it but thank God i did.

And come on be alittle original why must a woman be a man stealer just because she disagrees with blaming another woman for her husbands cheating heart really??

Lol! You make me laugh!! You don't know me at all. I believe people make mistakes. She was a mistake. He was not happy with her.. He broke it with her but being the insecure fool she was she still kept texting him. When she couldn't get a hold of him she texted my brother in law ..she couldn't accept that he used her and disposed of her. And no I'm not an insecure wife. You on the other hand defend the other woman so much and you haven't been in her shoes? I seriously doubt that. You were the other woman who got discarded. Keep believing what u believe. Like I said if that makes u feel better ,go for it! Bye! Don't have time for this going on a date with my husband.:)

And no I don't blame her entirely. I blamed him but the second she knew he was married and continued the affair ..then she's just as guilty.

Lol lol ok snowglobe.. woman like you are so not worth the effort I have been inboxed by sooo many people wondering about our little tiff lol but it and you are not that serious soo Happy New Year to you and your cheating husband and his mistress!!! because if you think he's not still out and about then your a fool but you know that already right

Exactly the way I feel melonball! Women like u are so not worth wasting my time with, it's useless! Frankly, I think u must have been hurt badly at some point in your life to believe that one persons mistake defines who they are. Have you honestly, never made a mistake that you regretted and never done again?

We ALLL Make mistakes but this has nothing to do with making mistakes. You have bashed and dammed this othe woman ( who which I didnt intially fel sorry for but now I do!) for sleeping with your husband called her out her name and put yourself and your lying cheting husband on this pedastool. the argurment of me and my husband are closer then ever because he got caught cheating is so overdone it makes me sick! I want women who come on this site to fel enpowered. To know that there lives are not defined by a vow you BOTH took but he broke. Women like you defeat the purpose of doing the hard work! When infidelity happens and it has happened to us all Its time to step back and do the hard work within yourself to be sad yes to mourn yes!! but not to lash out at everybody else except YOUR HUSBAND!!!! But you will never do that becaue if you had walked away from him for longer than a second he would have stayed with her. You see a man is just a man he will upon being caught say anything to get out of the dog house including throwing that woman under the bus for you to run over. Mental manipulation see now the both of you can sit and talk about her sit and bash her and he can say to you baby I dont know what I was thinking and you soooo eagar to fix the massive hole will take it all in and feel like he is on my side he hates her too.. but he doesnt. My voice is to the woman who decided to put herself first! The woman who decides that she values her life her feelings and her person far more than the title of Mrs that someone gave her. You stayed because your weak and scared. You stayed because you valued him over you You stayed because you didnt want to lose!!!!

And we have all been hurt. But the diffrence between you and me ( and there are sooo many) is I did my work... and am better for it.

Melonball, I do value myself and you have no idea how strong I am. It's sad that you judge me as inferior or weak because I chose to stay and give my marriage another chance. Well I'm neither of those things. I know you will not understand and accept that. I know my life and my husband . I don't hate her but I don't think I will ever like her. I honestly wish her the best. Like I said before my husband made a huge mistake and I forgave him. I don't regret my decision. So I'm done going back and forth with you. Like I said before you and I will never agree but that doesn't make one of us better than the other.

No one of is not beter than the other. But i wouldnt be you married to that cheat for all the tea in China. And it doesn't matter what say your too far gone now to hear logic.. I actually feel sorry for you because he will cheat again if he hasnt already But dont worry he'll be harder to catch now so you can continue turning a blind eye.

Believe what u must. No need to feel sorry for me. I am fine with my choice.On the other hand, I feel sorry for you .. Whatever you went through made you so angry and bitter to automatically believe that a person can't make a mistake and feel remorseful about it. That a person can learn from their mistake and not do it again.

Youwomen are kiling with this angry bitter crap. I say what I say because its the truth AND YOU KNOW IT! Putting up post asking " why your husbands girlfriend keeps calling"??? seriousy and then deleting it. My point is spot on I feel sorry for you that you cant love yourself enough for it to be enough. Remenber AIDS and HIV are spread more commonlyb y straight men cheating on wives... Google it and Good Luck

Why can't you just respect my choice to stay? I respect your choice to leave if that's what you did. Good for you . That must have been the best choice for you. I chose to stay because that was the best choice for us and just because I did it does not mean my marriage is doomed or that he will do it again. I own and accept my part in what happened in our marriage. We talked long and hard about our issues and we are going at it strong. So with that I'm happy for u if what u chose to do with your life made u happy. But enough with criticizing my choice to stay.

If you had writtena story about why you decided to stay I would have reapected that. But that is notg what you did you wrote a story bashing the woman your husband had a relationship with, calling her out her name and implying that SHE must be crazy... not your cheating husband, no she is the crazy one. I intially was disturbed because some women are such suckers! Bashig and throwing another woman under the bus is a mans best vechile to get out of a I just caught situation. When you decided to bash a woman to raise up a man... your man ( let me say that because i know deep down you need to hear it... CONSTANTLY) I responded to remind you that while your bashing her and I believe embellishing the story to make her seemas fallen and depraved as possible your living with the man who started the whole affair. He lied to her the same way he's lying to you. He made promises to her the same way he is making promises of a brighter non cheating future with you lol but you cant stay onguard forever lol you have to sleepa nd as soon as you do he is right back at it lol I want woman who are really interested in self to understand that all these posts by you women talking about how is sorry and he will never do it again is a bunch of crap! and a woman who believes a cheaters lies often stays for OTHER REASONS... and personally speaking a woman who bashes another woman instead of checking her own man and calling him out is not a woman people should be seeking advice from...

Whatever u say! Women should not seek advice from an angry and bitter woman
Like you either. You are obviously not happy with the choice you made. By the way slow down when you type half of your replies to me have tons of misspelled words! I don't take you seriously at all! No we are nothing alike! Thank God!! :) Go on with your life and be happy , I know I am. :)

LOL Yeah so sorry about that Upsidedown In assume reading is not your strong suit... i see we are still hanging on to the angry bitter diagram Im not surprised because a woman has to be angry and bitter if she champions women putting themselves I know you just hate that! :0)

I took that last post back lol I think your implying that I decided to leave a cheater and am sorry I did... which is the saddest thing you have wriiten thus far... So to all the women reading this who had the courage to leave check the source.

Sure melonball I can read and spell just fine unlike yourself. Let's agree to disagree. I pray that you find happiness and that you don't bring your unresolved issues into your next relationship. Take care!

Lol lol!! Unresolved issues I know How dare I not depend on a man for myself worth! How dare a woman not allow a man to make her his door mat! well upside down you are a model soldier in the war of Scared Wives zooming toward forty who dont want to be alone lol and in answer to your previous post about why she keeps calling ( which you deleted) she keeps calling because well... he is a cheater but its okay it's okay you already know that....

Lol! There is a difference between a strong woman who forgave, left and moved on and a woman like you who moved on and did not forgive. You claim to be this strong independent woman who doesn't put up with any man. Well, I think he still has the upper hand in your life because though you may have moved on physically, mentally you are still stuck.

Oh its so funny how a woman who allows her husband to cheat on her thinks another woman is mentally stuck!! Are you kidding... no wait your serious LMAO!! You can forgive and move or forgive and lay down your represent the latter! and FYI strength is not gained in the ability to simply endure it is based on the principle evolution all things evolve and are strengthed by change example ( you need them I only wish I had some pictures for you) butterflies are in the early stage natures victim but evolves with the ability to fly and blend in to the landscape ergo making it far superior then its previous state. You evolve not so victim you stay until he leaves you or gives you some disease that only the blood of Jesus can cure lol

Maybe you and few others can pul together and form a group Woman who will believe anything to stay married lol lol

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I'm proud of you for breaking it off. Trust me, break it off now! It will hurt like hell but it can hurt like hell now or it can hurt like hell later, either way it is going to hurt! Might as well break it off now before you waste anymore time on this married man. He may send you flowers, candy, call you baby, tell you he loves you, makes future plans with you, plans trips with you, talks about moving in with you, goes apartment shopping for you, opens a seperate bank account, etc. All these things my MM did, by the way. A lot of people will tell you he lied to you, some of them do, but some of them get caught up in the moment, like you do. They aren't just lying to you, they are lying to themselves. They are living the fantasy, as you are, and you are eating it up. But that doesn't make it RIGHT! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS and until he is already moved out with divorce papers in his hands, don't believe him! Don't waste your time ladies, if he hasn't left her by now, he won't leave her. And if you go tell his wife that he has been messing around, she doesn't always kick him out and that can backfire. I say TELL HER! His wife deserves to know, and then run...run far away. Make smart decisions and be strong ladies...you will get through it, I promise. It hurts now but you will get over it. Just learn from it and never ever date a married man again...EVER! Only 3% of men end up leaving their wife for the other woman. Trust me if he hasn't done it by now, he ain't doing it. You have a better chance of winning the lottery. Check out a 12 step program for love/romance/relationship addicts. Google it. If you are with a married man, you are most likely an love addict. I know you probably feel like a fool right now but, you have to go through the storm before you see the rainbow and trust me ladies, BE STRONG, LET GO, MOVE ON...there is a rainbow! I'd love to hear stories of how your MM came running back to whether it was 2 months, 6 months or a year after you called it off, only for you to tell him where to go! Email me at swungtime@yahoo.com and tell me your story of how he came running back like a lonely puppy dog and I will tell you mine.

That was mean. I kind of feel sorry for the mistress after reading this.

there are two types of women in this world thoes who have morals and those who are like OVERCOMING!!!! karma is sweet and you are in the middle of a candy store lol!

your husband will spend the rest of his life trying to make up for what he has done but what it comes down to is that you the one who had no choice in the matter and you are the one who will suffer the most. until you have walked a mile in this womans shoes you have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, first I want to just say that, wow, that took some guts. The fact that you wrote and sent this letter is great. The ow knew he was married and tried anyway, she should feel bad about that. I am also glad you forgave the hubs, even if a lot of people advise against it. Honesty is great in a relationship, and the fact that he could just come clean about it and tell you that you come first and never talk to her again is ideal for this situation. However I hope you have the wisdom to not give him all your trust again. I also hope that you do not end up in this situation again. It is hard to tell how things will work out, everyone is different.<br />
As for comments from overcoming; you really need to step back and take a look. Was this woman writing to you in your situation? No. Was she pointing a finger at you? No. Your situation had nothing to do with this one until you drew those parallels yourself. This points to a high probability that you feel guilty on some level to what you are doing in your own relationship, despite you insisting that you are ok in what you have done. Any woman who was in your situation without doubt that she was correct would have shrugged this letter off as not having anything to do with their own life. You, however were actively seeking out posts of wives about ow so you could get mad and make yourself feel better about your own decisions. <br />
If you don't know the guy is married, don't take this letter to heart, he did wrong, not you. If you try to stop your emotions once you find out, that is what you should do. Nobody is going to berate you over loving someone you didn't know was taken. But cut off the relationship there. Also, if the man is in an abusive marriage, feel free to love him and care for him. But don't be his girlfriend, lover, mistress, until the wife knows its over and papers are signed, or at least being drafted. If you enter before it's over, you'll always be the ow, even if you later become his new wife, he'll be used to having two women when with you. It would be a rare case that it would stay together. (not that it doesn't happen, but it is certainly not ideal.)

I don't know what to say...<br />
I just want to share mine.. Please don't judge me here....<br />
We are married for almost 4 years. I cheated (im not proud of this) during our 2nd year of marriage, it was my fault, I wasn't happy that time and weak on temptation. I really really regret that I did that. He also found comfort to someone else and because of that insecurities came on me. I left the other man and went back to my husband, I literally begged him to accept me back and promised I will changed and work things out. He accepted me back which I am so thankful. Because I accepted it was my fault and I truly regret that I cheated with that kind of man I exerted all the effort to make our marriage work. I did my part as a wife, I work full time, I do all the chores at home, cook, clean, laundry, buy him clothes and stuff, sex, basically all things a wife should do. Everything was fine till a month before our 4th year. He left me saying he needs space and time to think, he said he needs to heal. It was devastating and confusing for me.<br />
We didn't have a fight before this, we had good holidays and vacation. I was so lost since that day. I ask him not to do this, let's work things out and get a marriage counselor. But he doesn't want to. He said he loves me but not the same as before. He said he is not happy anymore and this marriage is not healthy anymore for both of us. My life just stopped there, can't get up from bed, can't eat, can't work, lost 30 lbs, lost interest on everything. It's been 2 months up to now I'm still the same. I kept on blaming myself it is my fault because of the past. He can't let go of it even though I did my best. He bottled up all his feelings and just exploded at the end. All of the good things I did was erased, he is closed ears, he turned to a different person in just one click. I never ever thought this is goin to happen because everything was fine before this. I asked him if he found someone else, he said no, he will not do that to me, he even promised. I said ok I trust your words. But a week ago I found out he is leaving with his officemate whom he always talked to before this thing happened. She is divorced twice and have 4 children. It's so painful for me. I haven't recover yet from him leaving me then here he is again giving me more pain. That woman knows we have children. I don't want to judge her but she is also a mother. Doesnt she have any conscience? My husband is starting to pull the rug under me. I don't know what to do. I want to confront her but I'm civil enough to do that. I don't want to blame anyone. I just hope my husband could have at least wait till I get back on my feet and recover first.

What does havign childen have to do with someone staying or going? He left you not the kids so its something ou have to deal with. Im sorry it hurts and it sucked that it happened to you sincerly but people who stay in marriages for the sake of the children do more harm to the children. They can feel the discord between parents and I think it teaches them to SETTLE for anything to keep what no longer works. Instead of that lesson what a great a powerful lesson it would be to your daughter if you have one to get up dust off and work on YOU! Let her see you moving forward still hurting because you still love her dad but trying to work on yourself... What an awesome lesson and if you have Boys you teach them that woman are not going to lay down and die because a man leaves. Boys already have an air of entitlement in this world the hubris of maleness. You picking yourself up and taking care of YOUR business! Let them see a strong mother who again loves their dad but loves herself more!!!!

love,love what u wrote so true. I love to tell that to the other women my husbands been living with for 2 years now. Shes a nasty w@@@e. Shes still married also. I havnt spoken to my husband in 2 years cuz of her lies and munipulations. Shes a scared little child in a womens body. And when my husband heals emotionally hes going to see her for what she really is. The funny thing is , he knows about how nasty she is ? I guess when he was hurting from our marriage falling apart he took anything on the rebound lol. I just had to let u know cant wait for my day to come when i can say that to that w@@@es fase!!!! And it will come!

Overcoming, seems like you really pissed alot of people off here. Is it because maybe there is alot of truth to your post? Affairs happen for many different reasons. Sometimes the husband is mistreated by the wife and sometimes it is the other way around. Sometimes he is a selfish pig. Who really knows but the 2 people in the marriage. Having been on both ends of the spectrum I can say that if your spouse is a serial cheater(the kind who has several affairs during the marriage), there is a good chance he may have what is called a personality disorder and is going to cheat no matter what. They are very good liars and smooth talkers. My take on the situation, for the most part, especially when dealing with a repeat cheater, is that both wives & mistresses are deluded. Mistresses think he loves them because he spends time & alot of money on them when he is just using her as a "vacation" & an "escape from responsibility" or to feed his ego. Wives think " he REALLY still loves me because he still comes home to me & since we have a history & kids, we have a special bond that can't be broken" when in reality he is just using you as a cover to keep up his good social standing, a housekeeper/maid, & because leaving will put a major dent in his financial situation. <br />
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There is a doctor at the clinic where I work, who I have walked in on after hours having sex with other women(not his wife) in the office. His wife thinks that because he is still with her and because he still comes home to her, she is the number 1. Let me tell you from what I've seen, he could care care less about her. No decent man, who has any love or respect for his wife EVER does that. Do not waste your time kidding yourself! He doesn't care about the other women either.<br />
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If it is a situation where you have a spouse who is not normally a cheater, but who leaves maybe after years of being mentally/physically abused or neglected, then I can definitely understand wanting to leave to find someone who does treat you well. But my advice to those of you who are dealing with a repeat offender(this goes for both mistresses & wives) is to have some self-respect & the strength to leave and find someone who loves & respects you-someone who is faithful. And mistresses, you also need to find the self-respect to find someone who is available & not settle for someone else's crumbs.

Unfortunately the truth of the matter comes down to one thing: He willingly went to her. I understand your anger at the OW, but it is completely misdirected. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

Misselizabeth, thank you for your comment, but I must respectfully disagree. Being the other person is much like being the get away driver in a bank robbery...the OW/OM is an accessory to the crime. The only time that the other person would have zero fault is if they weren't aware of the cheater's marital status, otherwise, they know they're complicit in an innocent person's pain and destruction.

I am sorry you hurt. I feel for you. But I can't believe it is fair to judge or be angry with "the Other Woman". It is up to the people in a relationship to protect the sanctity of said relationship. If a man cheats, it's because he's a cheater. If a man truly wishes to be faithful, he will be.

omg, who is overcomeing? she is so stupid! who is she to call the wife #1 stupid and pathetic when she is the one stealing someones husband? she says once he cheats he will cheat again...... well yeah!!! on you this time! if the guys so unhappy then why doesnt he leave? he was playing overcomeing to he wanted to have his cake and eat it to, he wanted to have the home life with his wife and then have the sex life with her. GOOD GOD you are stupid, you are so gunna get cheated on. I did absolutely everything for my husband that he needed, my problem is i trusted him to much and that let him get into trouble. When I caught him he drove 6hrs home from working out of town, quit his job, changed his cell # got rid of all his accounts on the internet, bought me very expensive gifts as a hope ove getting me back. (and He hasnt : ) i realize now that it was strictly an ego boost for him, he wanted to know he still had it cuz we are young and i think HE was to immature and wanted to be young and party like his freinds. I let him go out with his freinds and get drunk cuz i knew he still needed to have fun and enjoy his life cuz he works so hard i knew that sometimes he just needed to let loose, But i trusted him and i shouldent have... i did absolutely everything i could to make him happy, lots of sex, id cook good food, i'd keep the house in order, Take good care of our son, be their for him emotionally. I did EVERYTHING I COULD and he still cheated, some men are just selfish and they feel they can have whatever they want without consiquences. You cant judge of of the one girl you know, maybe she is crazy, maybe she is dilusional but you cant judge every other woman who has been cheated on of ove you experience. Open your eyes! it WILL happen to you. you will see just wait : ). Oh and the girl he cheated on me with like omg!, im not concieded but WOW she was FUGGGGGGGGGGGGLY!!!! he was so embaressed when i found out that it was her, she was a LOSER she had lost her kids to their father, she was liveing on welfare, in her parents ba<x>sement and she was 28.................................................... THATS BAD! he only cheated for a peice of ***, even when he had a much better one at home. MEN are pigs! and i really really hope that it was only mine, cuz i wanna move on and have more kids with someone else, i just hope i can trust again.

Karma is a ***** and way worse than wife number ones wrath 'overcoming' How stupid are you to believe a man who is such a freaking ball less coward he can't LEAVE his wife before cheating if he's so sad and miserable!? I mean come on- so when you don't do EXACTLY as he wishes and he is dis satisfied with anything in your relationship your dumb a$# just Ok-ed it for him to cheat!!! Or leave your stupid ***. You 'new' women never fail to amaze Me that you actually BELIEVE all that a cheating scumbag man says happened in a marriage. Did ya ever think that MAYBE he did really bad or stupid stuff that made her not clean, cook etc? We shall see how chipper you are when his shine comes off his armor in future, then voice your tunnel vision opinions. Walk a mile in OUR shoes and then come talk to Us when you have EARNED THE BLISTERS girl- ;)

I would really like to know the definition of delusional at this point. <br />
Overcome, as you say- he cheated with you. You'll be back when he cheats on you.

My observations are for "overcoming" .<br />
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In your diatribe you state the following: "My man was ready to call it quits a long time ago. She just wanted to stay together to keep up her lifestyle, kids, social status..etc...he got tired of living an unhappy, miserable life where he felt unappreciated by his wife."<br />
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I am wondering if you were a constant witness to this behavoiur during the four years prior to you and this man becoming a couple or it this what he told you happened to their relationship?<br />
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If it was the former then I agree with you. No-one, man or woman, should remain in a relationship that is not working and is not repairable.<br />
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However, if it was the former, then you are a sad misguided fool who has been told this "story" so often you now actually believe that he was the victim. Make sure you watch him constantly. Are you 100% positive that he is not telling someone else the same story? Can you be 100% positive that you will always remain, as you put it, #1 and not become #3?

Overcoming, I will tell you this...the other woman in my situation has more class in her little finger than you'll ever have. You see, she's recently apologized to me for her part in my agony. SHE knows that what she did was wrong. No, she didn't make vows to me, but that doesn't make what she did right. It's called morals...why don't you look them up, because you obviously have no clue about the meaning.<br />
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Now, about your horribly cruel words about me. This affair, believe it or not, had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. It was about my husband's selfish side coming out...he was feeling badly about himself and needed some ego boosting, which doesn't make much sense to me because he gets plenty of that here at home. You're judging me based on nothing. I DO take care of my husband in every single way and I've been a loving and devoted wife. This was NOT my fault...it was my husband's and the other woman. <br />
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As far as you believing that everything the cheating man tells the other woman is the truth? Grow up. He's lying to her and he's lying to you, too.<br />
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You disgust me. <br />
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Robyn, thank you for the kind words. :)

Robyn, let me emphasize something really important....My man is the one who chose to leave his wife...because she was a stupid enough to think he would stick around even if she treated him like ****. I had nothing to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Would you stick around if your husband was abusive to you...right...I didn't think so......so, before you think it is the other woman who cause the marriage to fall apart...just think of it as the husband being ready to leave if he did something out in the open like that to his wife...it would even be pathetic for her to beg for him back...which she totally did...made him want to leave her more because he realized he was married to an insecure baby

overtcome, this is for you .<br />
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you're a fool in a lot of different ways. you're delusional if you think anything you've done is OK with ANYONE. you and your scrap be the last one to leave the room because everyone will be talking about you behind your back about what you did, and it won't be nice.<br />
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i'm bored with you now. you've proven what you are by your words. say whatever you want, but don't flatter yourself by thinking what you have done is OK, because you're wrong. i'm not going to write nymore, and i will not read anything you write either, so don't bother. <br />
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i wouldn't post in the "How We Met" group if i were you. EPeeps won't appreciate it.

I'm going to post it here just to make sure you read this robyn....<br />
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That's the thing, I didn't break up the marriage. They were living apart for more than four years. My man was ready to call it quits a long time ago. She just wanted to stay together to keep up her lifestyle, kids, social status..etc...he got tired of living an unhappy, miserable life where he felt unappreciated by his wife. She had four years to make it work, to change her ways...to at least meet him half way...she only begged for him back(which was disgusting and pathetic to watch) when he decided to leave her...Only then was she willing to change...but by then it was way too late...and when he didn't listen to her...wow, she used the children,(told her children that their father betrayed her..which was a big lie..he told her straight up to her face that the marriage was over) made threats, made lies, called his work, called his collegues, called his friends...wow, couldn't believe he was married to someone like that. What an emotional basket case. he did not leave her for me...he left a long time ago when he realized he was married to the wrong person. Not to mention how she would emotionally manipulate him,use the children on him, and physically hit him.<br />
He is not the creep...he is the victim..He was depressed for a very long time..to the point that it was affecting his work..He was the only person working while she stayed home. And what did she do...complain all the time to him that he wasn't being a family man...he was working 60-70 hour weeks and she never cleaned the house, cooked for him, or do his laundry.<br />
He told her straight out from the start that he was leaving her and he wanted to be with me. AS far as I'm concern, he remained honest with me from the beginning.<br />
She is the one who started acting crazy because she was being left. She should have cleaned up her act earlier. By the time she made any effort...it was way too late.<br />
Yeah, she buts in..makes lies, uses the kids, etc...but just before you all start blaming the other woman, it might be best that you take a good look at your mistakes and your actions first.<br />
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I know there are some wives out there saying our marriage got only stronger after (the affair)the other woman..you should be thankful to her..if she didn't come into your marriage, you would have never CHANGED to work on your marriage. you'd be still fighting and your husband would be miserable. An affair is an emotional cry for help.<br />
It was only after a threat, some competition, that you wanted to keep your husband. That affair made you a better wife after you realized that you took your husband for granted. if you think the other woman is the the bad person here.....your still married to the man who actually broke a PROMISE HE MADE TO YOU! So lets not point fingers at those who never made a promise to you. You should be mad at your cheating husbands. If you're still with your husband, the only loser is you..you lost the opportunity to stand on your own and really get a perspective on your life. Instead, you chose to live a lie. The truth is, if you husband cheated on you once, he will continue cheating on you. Right now, he probably has someone else..only this time he isn't going to get caught cause he prefers to keep the peace. I feel sorry for wives who stayed married....cause deep down inside, your husband really loves the other woman...and his heart will always belong to her now.<br />
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As for talking about hatred for his wife...we don't talk negatively about her..he has never. He just told me this happened..and we have no judgements and try to remain ob<x>jective as possible when dealing with her. Hopefully soon, she will realize how childish and immature she is over time. We're hoping she finds a job soon and focuses attention on her life..setting goals and rebuilding a life for her self.<br />
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He always puts me first...and it is only because of my gracious kindness, understanding and love for children that I allow him to be in my presence despite his past.<br />
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I like how wives like to use that ..you're # 2....How politically incorrect. You're just someone he married first..doesn't really mean anything after its over...I find it odd that ex-wives call themselves # 1, but in the present reality husbands treat their new wives as #1. I'm his new #1 NOW! In addition, I'd like to add that he has learned from his 1st marriage his mistakes and tries not to make it in the second marriage.I have it easier since he's house trained.<br />
If you were a bad wife, I think its only fair that your husband is allowed to leave you...vice versa, if you're husband was a jerk, you can leave him also. I'm not going to be sensitive about this here because there is just way too much garbage talk coming from wives who think they deserve to be better or superior to other women.<br />
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You must be one of those ladies that despises Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez and Angelina Jolie then. You should send them some hate mail as well. <br />
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And just to re-iterate..my man's not the creep..he's the one who decided not to live a LIE! He wasn't happy in his marriage, his wife would verbally abuse and physically hit him...he does not have to put up with that kind of ****. <br />
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YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS MORE TO LEARN....You are the close minded one who only takes one side of the story...as for your husband..he must be a patient man if he listens to other women whining and you whining all day.

that's a great letter! "overcoming has a lot to learn. she has a post where she declares herself the "winner" of the creep she was with. how stupid some women are. they actually blame the wife for their husband's betrayal of their family. i thought that kind of ignorance went out the window a long time ago. you still have your honor and integrity. women like her never will. they have no self esteem, or, like you said, they wouldn't want another woman's scraps. people make mistakes. only a fool defends their mistake (meaning "overcoming"). i feel fortunate that no snake loike her has ever butted herself into my marriage. my husband despises women like her. he is a counselor for their victims. if i your marriage is stronger, it has nothing to do with the "help" from the other woman. good luck in your marriage.