My Requiem

I am 20 years old, I have slept with more than that many men, and the worst it that 5 of them were AT LEAST 15 years older than I (2 were over 25 years). I am so ashamed of it. Ironically, before i went to college I ADDED on to my list (from 3 partners to 8-10) to seem more "cool". I am constantly disgusted with myself now, even when I try to ********** I can't ****** because I see countless faces of men i've been with. I feel an incredible force on my heart that tempts to rip it to shreds because I feel like I failed as a daughter, a sister, and a lover. I cannot shake this view I have that I am damaged goods. Sometimes I try to lie to myself and say " I learned new things to please my future husband with from these men" but I never believe it. I also contracted 13 High cancer risk forms of HPV (all at the same time and unfortunately the only time I didn't use protection) from my experiences and may be infertile.

I am single and have not had sex in the past 5 months. I am not celebate but I am making every effort I can to improve my life. I am slowly starting to come to terms with my past. The only problem though is that I am terrified of finding someone special and them ask me about my past. I know I would lie, I couldn't bear to tell them the truth, not for their sake, but for the simple reason that I would probably have a panic attack if i did. 

By reading some of my life story I hope you decide to:
1- Choose your partners careful and thoroughly 
2- Always make sure you are ready to have sex with that person (don't be pressured)
3- USE PROTECTION!!!! (get the gardasil shot if you are a woman)

rebeccabythelake rebeccabythelake
18-21, F
Mar 17, 2009