False Perfection, Lies, Unhappiness

Ever wanted to be perfect, wanted to make everyone love you, the world to be your oyster...? I do and I had and still have many people fooled; I even fooled myself. If you asked anyone I know about me they'd tell you I'm an A* student, I have a wonderful family, good friends, I'm pretty, have nice clothes, a nice phone and they'd assume I'm happy. People look at me and admire me, but they have no idea who I really am. I did get A* grades but I had a nervous break down this year and I think that my grades have dropped, my relationship with my sister and dad are terrible, I have 2 good friends but I think they're just putting up with me - I'm easily replaced, I never use my nice phone because I have no one to talk to, I don't like my clothes and I hate buying clothes even more because all I see in the mirror a girl that looks like a beautiful happy girl who has it all; I see a LIE.

The girl in the reflection isn't me, when I look in the mirror I should see a girl was hurt and angry, a girl who cries all alone, a girl who doesn't know where she's going anymore. I used to believe I had everything in life but I had nothing, I've been living a LIE, I've been LYING to myself. And today the truth hit me, the truth I'd tried so hard to ignore, to hid.

I started watchinng nip/tuck the other day - for anyone who doesn't know it's a drama about plastic surgeons and people with problems trying to be perfect. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GEAm2Th0ok this is a link to the soundtrack I will talk about. In the video the lyrics are: Make me beautiful, Make me... A perfect soul, A perfect mind, A perfect face ... A perfect LIE This got me thinking about my life and that I want to be perfect and do everything I can to be and other people believe it, and how if people thought I was perfect I would be perfect and that this would make me happy, but it didn't. I change what i could that was flawed and hid what I couldn't change. The flaws were all still there but nobody could and can see them because I hid them. I even started to believe I was the perfect person I was playing and then felt guilty when I was still sad even though I thought I had everything, I was sad because I had nothing. Though realising I had nothing sounds quite bad, I feel better than thinking I had it all, I don't know why but a weight feels as if it has been lifted off me.

Having nothing makes me feel free, like I have no expectations to meet and maybe I'll be able to start again and be myself rather than trying to be perfect for everybody else. Maybe that will make me happy. I wrote this because I want to stop lying and hiding, I don't care if nobody reads because I feel better finally telling the truth.
publicnuisance911 publicnuisance911
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 7, 2010

What you've written is somewhat like me too :( Sometimes I wish somebody will break our pretenses and save us...