It's Not Pathological.

not the way you think. I just wanted to think I was happy with who I was with and could have.

Everytime you weren't here I convinced myself I wasn't thinking of someone else.

Every time we fought and I hid and I found my friend who gave me those songs like this or When I found Deanna who WROTE her own music and we talked and didn't fight I would sit there and wonder what kind of mistake i was making

I don't write this so you'll react to it. if anything I feel remorse. I used you and that wasn't right. Thing Is I was convinced that I was doing right by myself but I wasn't. Not really.

You're the one who feels deceived but so do I... I didn't think I was still on the rebound after all this time but I was'

you'll take this as some kind of confession of my ability to lie but the truth is if there's anyone i'm good at deceiviing it is myself. That makes me dangerous. other people will believe my self deception. that's why you got hurt. am I monster? No. it's not like I don't feel remorse. It's just I wish you'd admit that you didn't make it easy for me. That all of the FIGHTING was something YOU could have avoided too. Maybe if you hadn't used me like a punching bag I would have been happy where I was enough to work through it. I just wanted you to admit we could both be wrong. that it didn't have to come to blows every single ******* time. I never wanted to be RIGHT, I just Didn't want to be WRONG when you WERE right. it's all just perspective. We are BOTH right in our own ways but you don't want to ADMIT IT

and these words ARE NOT FOR YOU TO FIND. As I've STATED. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR YOUR REACTION. I SIMPLY writing HOW I FEEL FOR THE RELEASE OF TENSION!

 

I didn't want to BELIEVE I wasn't HAPPY.
I didn't want to believe I WAS NOT CONTENT WITH YOU
I didn't want to believe we were DOOMED
I Didn't want to believe that this wasn't enough
I didn't want to acknowledge relationships didn't make it all better
or remember that I still fell apart all the time when i was with nurit.
Or realize that i'm manic most of the time but I don't get depressed, I just get SAD and fall apart and there is a difference.
I didn't want to admit your lack of tolerence of certain topics was driving me INSANE
I didn't want to admit the fighting was wearing on me
I didn't want to admit that we were always going to fight and fight and fight and always would
I didn't want to admit the old me NEVER would have been ok with this kind of DRAMA.
I didn't want to acknowledge I don't LIKE high intensity relationships
I didn't want to admit I was happy elsewhere. I didn't want to admit how I felt about the one who gave me this:

 

I didn't want to trust my own instincts: I wanted to be happy.
Can you really blame me? after awhile I just didn't want to admit I was leading you on to myself
But I failed.

and I don't want to even KNOW how you respond to this.




ManifestoOfThePhoenix ManifestoOfThePhoenix
31-35, M
Dec 8, 2012