My Life Is Confusing To Even Ask Why

My life is confusing to even ask why am confused because I really don’t know myself. I sit and cry inside myself and no one really knows I feel it, it’s not right to bring something that I don’t understand. Am lost and scared and have fear about what other things are going to happen next. I have all these things in my head that comes to me out of blue; am depressed and think I am not because I want to prove am strong, or is it just me that’s crazy and I just need to move on by taking the risk and understand life of how it really is. I don’t talk to people and just keep putting it in the back of my mind when times come. When will I know what’s real and what’s is not real I push guys away when all I want is to have someone love me for real then my body, and not get hurt all over again. I have guys telling me am so damn hot and so sexy, and all they want is to touch my body but what if I should take that risk as am a single mother. I try to teach my kids and I feel they really don’t care, knowing the fact that my oldest ask me “mommy when am I going to have a baby brother” when are you going to happy again, when my littlest one just looks up with joy and smiles so big knowing that everything going to be alright and why am I not. I really don’t know why I am not, I ask the same question to my own self and no answer comes to my mind. I think and think and all I come up with **** that I don’t want to think. I toss and turn all night feeling like am a failure, am the black sheep of the night. I don’t know why I am but I just am, I tell everyone I am just fine but what can I say to them, they want to hear the good and my life as I feel God wanted me to be is bad. I love God, I believe God and I know that sooner or later he will check up and fix all my troubles that i face and let me know that there are reasons for everything that happens to me and I just have to overcome them to understand what the problem that comes my way I just have to push them to the side and look up with a smile and it’s just so hard.
May 14, 2012