I See No Love, I See No Hope, No Hearts, I See Nothing.
I truly am a mistake, i realy dont feel anything anymore. I live in new york in a small town and almost every step i take feels like fire under me. Ever since i had started noticing love or romance, my life has collapsed on top of me. I didnt start thinking about dating until tenth grade, i asked a girl out to the prom and she said yes. a week before the prom she changes her mind and goes with another, no big deal i got over it then. Then at a baseball game, i kissed for the first time with another girl that was moving away, it was without adout the happiest day of my life, no one has ever given me the love she did. after that day... we never spoke again. It turns out, thats all i was, another kiss. we lost contact, again i left it behind me. But in 11th grade, i actualy found the perect girl for me, we loved the same hobbies, same music, same clothing, we even connected multiple times that year, i asked her out and said yes... but she ended up being busy, this is were i started doing the math and thinking about my past. then she and i stopped talking alil bit, and i started talking to a friend of hers, she was going through a rough time with her parents and was texting me constently, eventualy she used "i love you" to me, i asked her out , it turned out she was dating another boy for along time, i was taken advantaged of again, and that day, i died inside. i started seeing all of my friends moving on in life with there lovers and i was being left behind. even my little sister, who was my best friend in the world is dating somone and she dosnt have time to hang with me anymore, agian, i tryed bringing myself to ask my "dream girl" out, but i then entered the nightmare. she would flirt and hit on me, we kinda did it back and forth, i then asked her to the prom and she said yes, she then got in trouble and she told me she couldnt go, i told her i understand, but i was still sad.....but...2 days before the prom...she went with another guy... thats when ihad a break down, i realy opened my eyes and saw what kind of superfical, back stabbing, coldhearted, aphalmale world as it is. but it dosnt end there, after a summer of clearing my head trying to forget her, i tryed online dating, i had a online friend who i was friends with for a year, we told eachother almost everything, we started calling eachother and agian, i helped her out with the issuse she was having, she was worried that the place she moved to she wasnt making anyfirends and guys were alpha males who couldnt count to 10, i help her out and she even told me she was falling in love with me, we would use "i love you" and she told me she wanted me in california with her. then she started hanging out with this 22 year old guy who started being nice to her, i should have seen what was coming next. but i did tell her that i didnt think i could find love because i am not physicaly or emotionly strong and that i am too nice and i feel like im imature for my age, i felt that girls dont want boys like me, they want strong alpha males that show off to impress girls, then she told me that im a man to her and that there should be more guys like me. well then over fb she writes me a message that says...your going to hate me i allready knew what she was gonna say, she told me she liked the other "man" i told her i dont hate her, i hate ME. she took advantage of my kindness, just like the others and when she was happy, she through me out and she we havnt messaged eachother, i guess its true nice guys finish last, and that no woman whats to go out with a nice boy like me, even though, im not so nice anymore. now here is a summery of me, i used to be obtamistic, kind and friendly, and innocent, 4 weeks ago when i lost conntact with the last girl, i now see a world of cold, hate, disease, perversion, superfical, pastic , false hope state that world i see is in.There is no god i beleive in, there is no person i look up to, there is not one person that i look up to or think is a decent human being, i have a strong distrust in people, primarily girls my age, i dont like hanging out with friends anymore, i am tried of coming in second place for women, there is allways somone better than me, they havnt given me a shot to show how caring and thoughtful i am, i have douts that i will ever find somone that loves me back and forever, that wants me to hold them in my arms forever. My heart has been smashed into the dust by so much superfical monters, that i dont think like a innocent child anymore, infact i think i am a monster just by me existing, a lonly wolf that nobody wants. i am a dark person and i dont feel pity for most people anymore, its so bad it makes me sick when i think about it. when i see a girl in the news that gose missing, i feel like she deserved it, when i hear about a girl going missing after she goes to her boyfirnds house in the news, i laugh that a 14 would go out with a 17 year old thug because she is superfical and she should have seen it coming. i am a moster, i dont want to think like that! but i dont have a reason to not think it because i have not sen evidence of a decent woman or even a decent human being, i came to this site because i want somone to prove me wrong, i see nothing ecept for alpha males and superfical std carrying ****** everywhere i look, i need somone to love me, i need somone to prove me wrong, where i can come in first place, where i am not left behind.