Trusting Is Erotic

I don't remember when exactly I began liking bondage, it was during my first marriage, The Sex I now believe was the love in that marriage, it was the way its supposed to be I think, for me anyway.  We just matched in desire, willngness, visual cues, verbal, kink, it all.  As long as our clothes were off.  I felt completely free to be and do anything with him.  I do not like pain, although prior to my breast augmentation, I loved my nipples tweaked.  no more.  I would never let just anyone restrain me, I found the vulnerability very erotic.  A level of risk there.  Sadly my husband only has once or twice, it makes most men very uncomfortable to take that assertive role with someone they love and respect i guess, even if they beg, plead, hint, buy cuffs, rope and do what ever it takes to make sex everything it can be for them.  But that seems to be a pattern in my life.  I intimidate people with my height and honesty and they intimidate me with thier false behavior and drama.  I am in my 40's and somehow i was born insecure in all areas of my life except for 2, communicating and sex.  and No i tried Please **** me, i only bullshit via sarcasm i think, all else is truth.   But to this commitment I am commited, why I thought my happiness was a priority of his i have no idea.  sex 14 times a year, maybe 20.   I told him 3 times a week, and I promised I will be sweet as hell.  Now instead of horny I often just get angry.  but i made a promise, to myself.  So whats worse, a lie or less joy?  am i asking too much?  I found his G spot, he loves that, I would rather not do it, but now every time, i do, because it makes him feel good.  I want him to feel good.  why why doesn't he? 

showmethelove showmethelove
41-45, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2010

UPDATE- well he finally did it a few weeks ago!!! <br />
 yeah!!! I'm totally over it, I think the fact that <br />
He would not do it bothered me the most. There's just something <br />
A guy who will do anything to please me sexually for me it just **** <br />
Naturally 

It is very hard going thru life being unhappy. Life is short. And trust me the anger and resentment only increases. Been there done that. But now that I am single I am very blunt about who I am. I am bi, love bondage, guess you would call me a switch. I am happy in either top or bottom. But it is whom I am with that leads me one way or another. I still have my toy bag, which is like a child to me....love love the toys.<br />
<br />
And as far as an open relationship, I have no idea how being with a fmm is a turnoff. My favorite activity. I love seeing a woman pleased, and love sharing in the reward!! But finding a woman that enjoys the same is very hard indeed.

Yeah silly me, I go through stages where I pick this up again as I feel like if I just go about it the right way, he will surprise me. He is a total opposite of me. We went out to dinner last night and I brought up the topic of sex and yes I believe you are right. Asking for my desires to be filled is asking for too much when he wont even meet my needs. Every man I have ever been with treasured my level of sex drive and confidence. When I offer him a blow job out of the blue, I dont do so only to please him, I really offer because I get off on it. The ole surge of feel good chemicals my brain produces. he he i am a junkie. And no 12 step recovery wanted here thank you very much. After trying in vain to explain my feelings to a man who essentially doesn't feel, I said, "I think there must be a lesson in all this for me". So again, I am compromising my happiness for the happiness of another, but is that not what marriage is all about? I brought up the idea of an open relationship to him before, and he said he would approve if it were a woman. But I have to be honest, its sex with a man I desire. So time to take my focus off what I lack, and start again looking at what I have, and move on. thanks peoples : )