After I Fell Into The River, But Before I Drowned.
to someone who's words trail off into my subconscious. He said he would not hurt me, as he advanced; Yet nothing but pain was inflicted, his Secretive smirk left me lost in a trance, I was young and vulnerable, unsure. He told me to trust him, though I did His words sliced through my soul; he took control Of my mind, he left me with not one shot To sew back together this gaping hole. He took from me, my pride, my innocence So he could receive what I did want To give him; He struck, as though with vengeance, Though I had not wronged him; I fear he'll haunt My dreams forever, release from my mind Never, he poisoned this victim; left blind.
I once knew a girl, Who I made in my head. She was meant to be me, But she wound up instead. As a girl who's too pretty, Too perfect, too nice. A girl with good friends, Who did everything right. A girl with a husband, Intelligence, money and wit. She was so perfect, I couldn't compare to it. She pestered me constantly, Her and her boyfriends, too. Making me remind myself, "I'm not as pretty as you." It was then that I had realized, Something had to be done. So I changed her history a little, Now it's not nearly as fun. So that's how she is, And how I like her best. This girl I talk about, This girl I named Celeste. Evolution or natural selection? An answer I might confuse. Even though she was used, to fill the thoughts for my muse. I'll never really to be her, For I'd wind up dead. You might know her as me. (This Celeste, I mean.) She dresses in fur and allures a variety of so-called men. She'll smile with her teeth, alas I'm in her eyes instead. My soul reacts to paper-pills and razor's edge. The insanity festers deep within, as if an open wound, that's in my head. Honestly, it's not okay. Unless you like the lies, instead. In which I'll be that sick and twisted fantasy that I know you keep in your head. So I'll say my fair-well's, good-bye's, and etcetera. Lastly I'll let you know: It wasn't me, but HER, who decided this fate. ***************************************************************************************
It's dreamy weather we're on You waved your crooked wand Along an icy pond with a frozen moon A murder of silhouette crows I saw And the tears on my face And the skates on the pond They spell Alice I disappear in your name But you must wait for me Somewhere across the sea There's a wreck of a ship Your hair is like meadow grass on the tide And the raindrops on my window And the ice in my drink Baby all I can think of is Alice Arithmetic arithmetock Turn the hands back on the clock How does the ocean rock the boat? How did the razor find my throat? The only strings that hold me here Are tangled up around the pier And so a secret kiss Brings madness with the bliss And I will think of this When I'm dead in my grave Set me adrift and I'm lost over there And I must be insane To go skating on your name And by tracing it twice I fell through the ice Of Alice **********************************************************************************
It's like a love song. A poem to a lost loved one. In this world everyone looks the same. expressionless faces, hum of dull voices, a herding of bodies.... All drowning in their own irrelevance. The same as i, just one more lost soul. Things seem so monotone. Grey scaled into pixels going upside down into my eyes and processed into my beta waves backwards. You would have to remember to read between the lines. That white part of words. Breathing synchronized with heart beats of one conciseness. I feel like i am dreaming but, i am wide awake. blinking at the sun, wishing it would burn my memory out of my mind. Flightless birds rapping their wings against gilded cages. The stranglehold of one's cerebral cortex. Spinal fluid keeping the history so perfectly. It's not the beginning, nor the end. Somewhere in a plain of existence, behind red curtains gleams where i left all of the repressions. Tell me something beautiful, tell me something real, tell me no more make-believe. Lost in ones mind is so tiring. Plants grow without thought, tangling my feet into the vines of reality. Wonder into oblivion with me. Steps that are in four four timing let me sway into a spinning motion. Such a dissing effect smoke filled halls in the deeper recesses of my alpha waves. Pulling me closer into myself. Tea parties are empty. Cracked pots drain out all the hope into the laced universe spilling wax upwards into carpeting and out the glass apotheosis. A ticking motion for the head turns owls right round, wings spread prey on small animals. A Mournful warning pierces the sound waves into a sonic boom that no one can hear. Flapping, fluttering, clawing, tearing. Sreeks of misunderstanding. Falling into an abyss as the tar pulls into the emptiness. Alone here in my head there is a hole missing a significant piece. Confusion as I search hopelessly pleading for the safe return of myself. How did this happen? Crystal tinkers as the light fades and I am once again blind. Crawling up the stairs in search of a longing that pulls the treading of this universe. Spinning into a web of insanity. All of these moments will be lost in time. So this is evidence. It is a coincidence. It is fact. It is fiction. It is what you find at the end of oblivious abyss. A string forming into fabric-tic melodistic octaves precived into sound waves. The things that happened or will occur. Real eyes, realize, real lies. My new fire alarm wakes me from sound slumber telling me i am not in your home. Beep.... i shiver. It is like your almost the sound. A delirious wandering of wondering. Driven by memories that condemn me here without you. Demented thoughts swarm like the bees from our pear tree. Eating away at the silence. It is almost defining the noise of your non- existent voice. Persisting and everlasting loneliness cloud my judgment. Knives can be sharp and deadly but it is scarier to just try and remember. Today the forecast is sunny yet it seems so grey outside. The haunting of your laughter in the deep recesses of my brain. Fishnets smell of you and bundles of your hair are the only proof that you existed in my life. You made me what I am now. Oh my lovely creator, why did you show me how to feel emotion again? I seem to be invisible again. If time is a blink of and eye and life is like the head of a pin, what does that make me? What does it mean? I just want to feel the caress of your finger tips as we entwine hands. Things are different now and I still haven't learned how to cope with anything. Taking one day as the rest. They mix into one everlasting horror film. Vivid images of you body against that pavement terrorize my eye lids. I can barley walk straight unless my other is holding my hand. So sturdy he is carrying me though the valley of death. He guards me, wrapping wings of love around my body. A faint flutter of feathers wake me into another morning. His body still and holding my mine. Warm heart beat, shallow breaths, and a faint eye movement remind me he is sleeping peacefully. I blink into a reminder of where I am. Sounds of wind-chimes and trickling of bird's early morning song. Down the steps I descend into another pot of coffee. A cigarette resting on my lips as I type away. Letting the words flow from my finger tips. The same flow that blood drips. Calmer now, my mind slows to a dull hum and a background of your favorite music. Realistic moments as my nails tap against my keyboard remind me I am right here. I have lost all ambition for worldly acclaim. It is okay, well it will have to be. I must accept things as they occur and be thankfull for the cards I have been dealt. I am trying extremely hard to do everything you would have wanted for me. It is the most difficult thing I have ever attempted. It is worth it to think of you smiling at me from somewhere. Whispering "That's my girl." And now? What should I do? Are there words? Is there even a point? We shall see I suppose.... I miss you so my love. I occasionally dream of you, but its not enough. I need you so. Your not here, your waiting for me to join you. How I wish I was there with you. You would not want me there though, not yet. My time will come, my sun. You are the sun, and I the moon. Without you I can not shine as brightly. It is indeed true. Life is like the head of a pin. There is so much you deserve in this life. I would do anything to have you here, my darling. I'll meet you there. Where is my mind? So much I need to ask you. Talk about, laugh about, experience. You were always there for me. I know you still are. It's just not the ******* same. Why did you leave me here all alone? Where did you go, so far away without me? Where are you? I need you. I have always needed you and will always need you. It seems like like forever. I'm about to lose my mind. I need a doctor to bring me back to life. To come home. Let this rain wash away all of the pain. If it only could. They say time heals, that is a lie. it does not heal, it prolongs the suffering. It stretches things. You were always in a rush. You never stayed on the phone long enough. Why am I so self-important? You Promised I'd see you soon. But that was, oh, maybe a life time ago. We Didn't know time was of the essence. So many questions, But I'm talking to myself. I feel that you can't hear me any more. So much to tell you And most of all goodbye. It's so loud inside my head. With words that I should have said And as I drown in my regrets I can't take back the words I never said. We were Always talking ****. You Took my advice and did the opposite. Just being young and stupid. I haven't been all that you could've hoped for, But if you'd held on a little longer You'd have had more reasons to be proud. The longer I stand here The louder the silence. I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear Your voice when the wind blows. So I talk to the shadows Hoping you might be listening Because I want you to know. Happiness and sanity cannot exist in together. Sometimes I lie to myself and wish I never felt the influence of you. Because now I feel a disconnect, like an open wound. Where you once were, there is a space that runs as deep as a black hole. But every morning when I wake I lie to myself- Don’t be fooled by your emptiness, there’s so much more room for Suffering. I feel like, Sometimes it’s worse to have lost than to have never had at all. Because It’s a curse, to feel love and to feel it all dissolve. Like a fist full of sand.
Ordained by their precursors and spawns of a delicate puzzle, flashes of cohesion are nonetheless seeds of wakefulness, veiling the sleep of ignorance to imbue a more sophisticated brand of incoherence: the dawn of integration.... Elements portend their necessary synthesis, but the limbo sequence of pregnancy to birth garners defects and gifts, additions and subtractions. A retrospective analysis bestows, in gradual revelation, the gaps, randomness and sense of possibilities, thwarted or embraced--hinging solely on human choice. Do will and daring lend themselves to the task of consciousness? The undercurrent of logicality is absurdity, which simultaneously undermines and exalts every process and every substance by the joint miracles of mind and existence. The divine is not far, only before us and within us.