Whats The Point?

i have always tried to do good
i have no-one to give me comfort
i try to be upbeat
it is a struggle

i am kind to people

i help people

but i find..that when i need someone..ther is no-one


i don't feel like i can ask


sometimes i think that it is everyone else who is messed up

but sometimes i feel that i am the only messed up one


i have had people in my life..who i dared to think were friends..but my phone never rings


i know everyone has their own life


and i don't want to ask..but i wish someone would care


my sister is not there in the mind..mental illness has taken her..she has not been there for two decades


my dad has never been there for me


apart from to put me down and physically hurt me...as he did my mother...who died too young from stress...having given up

so..i have no-one to count on..no-one to listen..no-one to hold me

but..i somehow carry on

sometimes though..it is so hard

and..i know..it will not change..there is no miracle that will happen

all i have ever done is try and help them both

i have nothing left

i have no-one

and ..when i go out drinking with my transient friends

i know

that they are not really there for me

there is no depth

if i do not put up a front...and laugh..

even though i don't feel happy at all

i would not even have that

and although i believed i had lived through my heartbreak and come out the other side

i know it is really a sham

like the smile i paint on my face..when i leave my flat..through neccessity
 
healmysoul healmysoul
36-40
May 20, 2012