What is it?

Some believe it's an economy car from Holland that is low on exhaust emissions, high on performance and easy on gas mileage. Some believe it is the casual name of the Bohemian goddess Lililabiana, the guardian of all things vaginal. Others put forth the theory that *********** is a shortened slang term for a cunning, well read linguist. There are even those that believe it is the alias for 1903 vintage **** star and part time haberdasher Gus Liunnnic, from Hoboken, New Jersey.

I pose the question, "What is it?" for a simple reason. Most guys don't know what it is, and if they do it's only a very elementary understanding at best. Don't take offense fellas, but let's face it: the average male's understanding of the art of oral sex is about as comprehensive as a review of "War and Peace" written by Ed Grimly and edited by that guy from "Sling Blade."

There are a lot of misconceptions about what to do and not to do when it comes to performing oral sex. **** would have us believe that achieving a gut busting, honey squirting ****** can be done by simply playing with your lover's **** and applying healthy dose of random tongue play and finger banging. Of course, **** would also have us believe that you, a mere pizza delivery driver, actually have a chance to score with that one hot MILF out on Bumfuck Drive if you simply bring her a sausage pizza and a twinkle in your eye.

Guys, we all wish that our simple presence would be enough to give her that one electrifying ******. But things don't work that way. Like anything worthwhile, *********** requires practice and a willingness to learn.

By no means am I some expert, and I won't pretend I am. If this were TV Land, I'd be closer to being Ritchie Cunningham than the Fonz. They never came out and said it, but you know the Fonz knew his way around the female nether regions. The man had a finesse and confidence that one can only have if he knows what he is doing. True, in my youth I looked more like Ralph Mouth, but better that than being Potsie. How Potsie ever got laid is beyond me...

Yet I digress.

I'm just an average guy who has had the luck to be with some women that had the patience to teach me. I lost my virginity at age 14 to a 39-year-old blonde bombshell massage therapist named Tracy. She was gorgeous, sexy and adventurous and willing to answer my sex questions. I think that probably explains why she decided to **** a 14 year old virgin. Still, for six months she trained me and her lessons have served me well ever since.

Now, I pass this knowledge on to you... I mean, if you're reading this you've finished rotating your socks, put all the toilet paper in nice little stacks under the sink in the bathroom and there's nothing good on QVC right now. So pull up a chair and have a beer, young man. Get ready to hear some advice you probably already know.

What's important to remember is every woman is different. Some are very inhibited and may not want you down there. Don't pressure her, for God sakes. You can suggest it, and even talk about how much you'd like to, but don't make her feel bad about it. Other women see it as a requirement. You may laugh at this, but guys, when was the last time you had sex and didn't get a blow job? What would be your reaction if you didn't get a blow job from your woman?

*** for tat, boys. *** for tat.
Starting out can be the most important part of the game. Relaxation is the key here. Getting a woman to relax before performing oral sex on her can make all the difference. Offer a back massage or a foot massage or rub her shoulders. Make this act as sensual as possible. And I don't mean substituting your penis for your hands. If you are really into your woman you'll already know what I mean. Hell, rubbing her ******* calves is a turn on, baby. If you understand that then you are on your way. If not...WORK ON IT This is your gateway to more sex.

On your path to relaxation let's just say you choose a foot massage to get your woman in the mood. I've found the best position is to let your woman sit in a nice, plush chair behind you while sit on the floor in front of her. This way she can drape her legs over your shoulders, you have easy access to both of her feet and she can watch, say, a movie with Johnny Depp in it. As much as you hate watching the little *** if it gets her in the mood...**** it, watch too.

I use baby oil because it's so much cheaper than some of those massage oils, but if money is of no consequence, then knock yourself out with scented oils.

I start with one foot at a time, draping it over the appropriate shoulder. Cup one hand, fill it with a modest amount of oil, rub both hands together and then lather the foot so your fingers slid easily over the skin and between the toes. The easier your hand and fingers slid the easier it is on your lower arms. Rub the oil into all parts of the foot; in between the toes, the Achilles tendon, the ball of the foot, the heel, in between the ankle bones and into the arch (the most sensitive and erogenous part of the foot). Alternate between both feet for at least twenty minutes or more. Remember, this is not a race. Take your time and don't rush. The more you're into it, the more she'll be into it.
Once the massaging part of your seduction is over towel her feet dry of oil. Once that is done you turn around and, surprise, you are already between her legs. Now don't get ahead of yourself here. We're still in seduction mode. Move slowly up her torso, kissing her body like she's the hottest woman on earth. And by God, at that point, if she isn't then you need a lobotomy. While you're kissing your way up her body take time to pause and look her over. Look at her like your ten years old and it's Christmas morning and you just opened a present you wanted but never, in a million years, thought you would get. She could be dressed in an old tee, pajama bottoms and white socks, but to you it's Victoria's Secret.

Move close to her face and kiss her with a controlled passion. Kiss her to let her know you are so turned on you can barely control yourself; but this is about her so you are in control because the only thing that matters is pleasing her. Kiss her and in your mind pretend it is her *****. Give her a taste of what is about to come.

Move back and look her body over once again, moving you hands over her. Not groping, but caressing, working your way down to her breasts. Move her top up over her breasts, feel them, caress them, run your tongue over them paying particular attention to the nipples. Lick around the areola, over the nipple, along the underside of the breast. Lightly rake your teeth over the nipple if she likes that. Cup them in your hands (if she likes them handled a bit more roughly please accommodate), roll the nipples between your fingers, suck it into your mouth and flick the nipple with your tongue. Alternate back and forth. Never underestimate the erogenous nature of the breast and nipple.

Now kiss you way down to the top of her pajama bottoms, maybe taking the material in your teeth and pulling them down. Reach around to the sides and slowly remove them. Take time to stare at her panties; stare at them because you know what's underneath. Cup your hand over the pelvic bone and press against the heat of her warm *****. Slid your hand down to feel her lips under the material; feel the slight dampness. Move your face closer and run your tongue over the same area. Push your face into her vulva, all the while sliding your fingers under the sides of her panties and slowly inching them down until they are around her knees. Move back, looking at her and slid her panties of the rest of the way.

So, here are 8 very simple rules I hold myself to when I'm going down on a woman. They won't all work for you, but maybe a few will. Or maybe they won't. Either way, you've read this far so it would be silly not to get to the good part ...


Tracy, my massage therapist dominatrix, once told me, "If you can't make out with my ***** like you make out with my mouth then you've got a problem."

Good advice.

Of course, she also told me that I would get over the after-taste of tonguing her ***...


When you go to eat at a fancy restaurant, do you rush through the meal? No, of course you don't. You enjoy the meal and relish it. Men, going down on a woman is a fantastic experience, and you want her to enjoy every moment of it as much as you do. Don't waste it. You should be on your desperate little knees thanking God that a woman has gone this far with you, let alone even wants you down there. That being said, unless there's a special occasion or she's already aroused to the point of tearing the sheets off your bed with her toes, DO NOT go directly for the ****. That would be like your woman just sucking your **** into her mouth and playing with your head like it was a chew toy.

You need to be mindful of where she's at, her body language and her vocalizations. Here are some surefire signs you're NOT doing this right:

1. She looks down and asks, "When is 'Charles in Charge' going to be on?"

2. She yawns and pats your head gently.

3. She's painting her toe nails.

4. She asks, "Are you almost done?"

5. She paints your toenails.

6. She turns the television on to watch "Family Feud."

7. She says offhandedly, "That's not how your dad does it..."

8. She finishes knitting that sweater for your grandmother.

9. She asks if she can pop that zit on your back.

10. She says offhandedly, "That's not how your mother does it..."

11. She's looking at your dog Scruffy longingly as he licks his balls.

You need to make her want it. She needs to want your mouth down there so badly it makes your need for a blow job seem like a passing fancy. Before you decided to grace your tongue over her most sensitive of regions, make the effort to caress her and kiss her. You have two hands, so use them. She has an entire body there just waiting to be enjoyed. Suckle on her breasts as you massage her thighs and trace your fingers over her outer lips.

Now, if you've been able to do all of the above, then you know it's safe to proceed. Still, the name of the game is building up tension. Go slow and firmly. Use your tongue on her thighs; even suckling on the tender meat of the inner thigh can create an incredible sensation. A thoughtful massage of her mound and a gentle grazing of the fingers below to her *** can go a long way. Plant hot, wet kisses around her lips and give her slit a long, slow lick from one end to the other. Put her thighs up on your shoulders and massage her breasts, tweaking her nipples as you eat her out. You want to be able to taste her, to be able to feel how aroused she's getting. Listen to her voice, the moans and sounds she's making.

*IMPORTANT! Relaxation and comfort are of key importance here, but beware. Some women can become too relaxed and break wind (i.e. blow an *** clapper, rectal whistle, angry duckling, muddy nelson, toot, beefy breeze or fart). Should this happen, withdraw immediately and abort the mission. REPEAT: ABORT THE MISSION. A loving facial expression and willingness to the let the air clear between you both is essential. No matter what, neither you nor your woman wants you down there when the duck quacks.*

RULE #3: NO SHARP objectS

Make sure your fingernails are clipped and rounded, guys. Nothing ruins the mood for your woman more than having Freddy Krueger finger bang her with his right hand.


A good finger ******* goes hand in hand with oral sex.

That being said, be gentle. When your woman is aroused and wet enough, you'll be able to feel it. Gently insert a finger or two to start out, and play with her. Again, listen to the sounds she makes. How is she moving her hips? Is she getting wetter? Does she want to take a break for lunch?

How you use your fingers will depend on the woman. I have an ex-girlfriend who immediately after an ****** during oral sex wanted three fingers in her ***** pounding away like a jackhammer. She wanted it rough and powerful. This led to her squirting so hard that it was like a fountain. Other women won't need or even want that kind of stimulation. Never assume.

Look into her eyes if you can. Eye contact is essential. Nothing is sexier than when you're making eye contact and doing something as sexually intimate as this. Think about it, guys. When your woman is sucking your ****, is she meeting your eyes? Nine times out of ten she is. There's truth in that look, and you know automatically that you're both enjoying this equally.

The eyes and the fingers have it.


There is no set way to use your tongue.

Again, don't believe what you see in a ***** flick. A woman's **** is very sensitive and usually requires a lot of arousal before you can go ape **** on it. If you jump the gun and go for the ****, you're risking a cancellation on all the wonderful things to come. The **** is a hot spot, but truthfully, there is an entire vagina there to be licked, nibbled and suckled on. It's true, your woman will probably want you to spend a good amount of time working on her Now that her beautiful ***** is exposed just take a good long look at it; savor it because in a matter of seconds you will be up close and personal with God's greatest creation.

Remember that no two ******* are alike. They all have their own beauty about them. It's your job to find what's beautiful about the ***** staring you in the face. Maybe it has long lips or tight lips or a hooded **** or an exposed ****. Whatever it is...let her know.

The inside of a woman's thighs are two things: soft and very sensitive. They are a great starting and ending point. There is plenty of area to start getting her in the mood. Lick all around the thighs and every once in awhile skim or breath heavily over the vulva. There is absolutely no rush to get to the ****. Trust me, it will wait. Always keep in mind the sooner you jump in the sooner it will end. If your like me you love satisfying your woman orally and I'm never in a hurry to get it over with. I, literally, could spends hours down there.

After you have paid ample attention to the area in and around her ***** - and remember if your woman is one who doesn't mind her anal area attended to, and you're up for it, give that some well deserved attention - and you're finally ready to lick that ***** just remember variety is the spice of ***********. Don't think of her ***** as just her **** as the main source of ******. Sure, that may be the way she comes, but there's so many other things you can do to lead up to that point. You have ten fingers, or eight fingers and two thumbs, so put them to good use. Use them to insert, spread, rub, flick, caress and stroke. Rub your face over her. Some women like clean shaven men, some may like a day old growth of beard. Performing good oral sex on a woman is so much more than just using your tongue.

But let's face it, the tongue is your main weapon. So let's move on to some techniques. Try opening your mouth like you're saying "Oh" and then place over the ****. From here you can move your tongue back and forth, up and down. Pretend you're giving her ***** a French kiss. Pretend it's her mouth and her **** is her tongue. Move your tongue over her **** in long strokes. Move back and position your mouth at a different angle, or a different location. Move your mouth over the vaginal opening and push your tongue in as far as you can. Move your mouth down to her perineum and tongue the area between the *** and her lips. The best advice I ever heard about licking a ***** came from a woman - some **** queen I think - she said, "Lick that ***** like you're licking an ice cream cone." If you can remember that simple fact you'll do alright. Nice long strokes of your tongue up and down the length. And remember an ice cream cone eventually starts to melt so you have to lick it sideways and quicker strokes and sometimes you have to put your lips over the top and suck it in.

Some women like more friction on the **** and some like less. Some like your tongue stuck inside and some don't. Some like their lips sucked into your mouth, some don't. It's your job to know what works and what doesn't. Nothing is a bigger turn on than hearing a woman moan when you've done something right. Of course don't stick with that for too long. Experiment, she ain't gonna mind.

Eventually get your fingers involved for the finale. Get enough salvia in and around the vulva so when you finally decide to slid a finger in, it will slid in easily. No wasted motion. If your fingers are long enough search for the infamous G-spot. If you find it you'll be a God among men. And women. If your woman likes a finger in her anus then slid one in there too. But if your woman doesn't like a finger or two inside her, then just continue on with your tongue.

Here are some helpful hints:


Don't just do the same thing over and over again like you're licking an ice cream cone. Lapping is an awesome move, especially when your woman is so aroused that she's literally dripping, but it should be used in moderation. Try new things and experiment on her. Listen to how she responds, and if you can, look into her eyes to see her reaction. You'll know when you're hitting her sweet spot with the right technique.


Learning is half the fun. If you're in a new relationship, it'll take time to figure your woman out. Have the confidence to take any suggestions or constructive criticism she might have to offer. Most women won't mind telling you if you're doing something they don't like. And who knows, you might just stumble on something she likes.


Suckling and nibbling on the lips and **** is tricky business, but can be very pleasurable for your woman if you do it with care. If she likes it rough, she'll let you know. But never assume she does. You know how you would feel if she chewed the bark of your log right off the bat.


Seriously, guys. Breathing and relaxing the jaw can allow you to go for a long time without getting sore. In the beginning, I could only eat my lover out for maybe 10 minutes at a time before taking a rest because my jaw hurt. Now, I can stay down there for up to a half hour and longer if my lover is willing, teasing and playing with her. I love eating *****, and for me it's one of the biggest turn-ons I know. So take your time and relax and breathe.


The G-spot, like the ****, is a hot spot. Put your finger inside her with your palm facing up. Curl you finger and feel for a difference in the membrane of her vaginal wall. It's usually towards the top of the wall and has a kind of spongy, bumpy quality to it. You can usually tell you've found it by her reaction. Personally, I tend to rub and rhythmically press on this spot, playing with it and teasing it as she gets more and more aroused. You can give your woman some mind blowing ******* by loving on her G-Spot. Again, if you want to see your woman squirt, this is a great way to make it happen. Mind you, all women are different, so this may not apply all across the board.


I've been with a few women who enjoyed having their anus played with during oral sex. If you're going to do this, make sure she's lubed up. Whether it is a finger or a *****, smooth and well-greased passage will guarantee your woman won't have problems sitting down the next day.


Sometimes the moaning and groaning of your voice against her ***** can be very stimulating. Slurping sounds and lapping like a dog can add a lot of frosting to an already irresistible dessert. Don't be afraid to let her know she is the best thing you've ever tasted, and if you could you'd bottle her nectar up and use it for a power drink. Let her know how much you enjoy going down on her. It will build her confidence and make the experience more enjoyable. When a man can show how he feels it allows his lover to open up more and relish the experience.


This one is for the ladies...

There are as many variations on the upkeep of pubic hair as there are women. I prefer a woman who keeps her pubes trimmed and short. A thick bush of hair can be difficult for a guy to get through, and can even be a turn off. To be delicate, women are just like guys in the respect that too much hair can lead to an unpleasant scent. No one says you have to be shaved bare (though that does allow for your man to lick more of you), but a nicely trimmed thatch of hair is erotic and much easier to work with.

...and besides, there's nothing worse than choking on pubic hairballs.

By this time you should be able to determine if your woman is ready to climax or not. Of course heavy breathing and moaning, grabbing the sides of your head and thrusting hips would also be key indicators. I think this is the most crucial time. Crucial because it can either make or break the intensity of the ******. There is no substitute for repetition here. If you've performed on one woman many times you will already know what works best. If not, as long as you've put in the time prior, the first time can be fantastic in its own way.

So you sense it is time for your woman to come. Some women like the tempo increased, some might just like a light flicking of the tongue over her ****, or maybe she likes your tongue pressed flat against the entire clitoral area, moving your tongue back and forth, moving your fingers in and out until she comes. I love this part other than I know it's coming to an end.

Some women may get sensitive just like men do after they come. Some women are ready for more. If your woman is multi-orgasmic then you may just be getting started. Some women - since you're in a perfect position - like to have you enter them right after the ****** because it will intensify the aftereffects and could lead to another ****** from the inside. You should be so lucky.

After the dust has settled let your woman know that was fantastic. No words are needed. Go back to licking and kissing her thighs, grateful for the privilege to be that close to the holiest of holies; grateful she has let you please her in such an intimate way.

The act of *********** is without a doubt one of the most intimate actions that can take place between two people. It's a complete breaking down of taboo and expectation, a most intimate revelation of your partner's sexuality. The act can draw you and your woman closer than you ever thought possible. It promotes better sex and provides an infinite number of possibilities. Don't be afraid to tell her how much you enjoy it. Don't be afraid to let yourself enjoy it, too, guys.

And on that note, I'm gonna go take a cold shower now
noelli noelli
56-60, M
Dec 10, 2012