I Do

It's better if you just do what you want then move along, so we don't get too intimate with it.
Just being honest.
SpiritOfTheRabbit SpiritOfTheRabbit
36-40, F
8 Responses Jul 15, 2010

i agree

No promiscuity for me. I'm naturally an introverted person, and very modest. Celibacy better suits me, and is safer.<br />
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I don't "give" anyone power over me. If I fall in love with someone, I share my body with them if I feel respected enough. I don't sleep around. I only have sex in meaningful relationships. <br />
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I probably haven't taken "ownership" of my sexuality, because I was molested and raped in my past, and sex for me holds many negative connotations. I have let a select few people in, tried to enjoy sex with them and feel joyous, but never could attain that. My partners always noticed, and it made them feel like I was pushing them away or distancing myself during sex. They were correct. I talk to them, confide in them, explain that I still need a lot of healing before I can "let go" during intimacy. They whisper sweet words and tell me they'll work with me and be patient, but they always give up in the end because I am so severely damaged.<br />
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It's my life, I accept it, and I blame no one.

That's about the gist of it. <br />
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I have been celibate for a year, and plan to stay celibate forever. I do not want to "open up" to anyone ever again, because every single time I do, it's not a year later that that person leaves. I'm an intense person, I have deep-seeded issues that I cannot afford to treat, and I am severely self-loathing. Who wants to be with someone like that? I don't blame anyone for leaving.<br />
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So I'm alone, I like it, and I can't hurt anyone this way. It works out best for everyone. :)

In my experience, if there is no emotion involved, it's just raw sex. With me, that most often means rough sex.

It feels less horrible than letting yourself become vulnerable only to be taken advantage of or rejected. :)

I'd rather be dead inside. It hurts less. Just trying to be completely honest.

Really? Just move along without stopping to be real with someone? So physical intimacy leads to.....where? Nowhere? Isn't that just another way of being as empty afterward as before?<br />
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I really must be an idiot. I've been heartbroken and I've been dead inside. I'd rather be heartbroken.

I agree.