Rape

I'm going to get alittle personal here because this is something I always feel better saying out loud. I was raped.I was 5 years old when my virginity was taken from me.it didnt matter much then but of course I never really understood it. The person who raped me was my oldest stepbrother. i never thought it was wrong then he always said it was ok that it could be our little secert. i dont remember thefirst time he raped me I guess my mind blocked it out but I do remember a couple times after that. As I got older and realized what happened wasnt normal and it hit me hard I felt disgusted with myself that I could let something like that happen I felt stupid but most of all i felt alone. it was hard dealing with the fact that something i was suppose to give away to someone I loved was taken from me. I started this thing were i cant be touched by male doctors without brusting out into tears i dont know what but it just makes me feel like I did when I was 5. I would freeze anytime a guy would hit on me or try something because i just didnt know what to do there are so manny things i have done because of that with guys that i actually didnt want to do but all i could do was just lay there. it wasnt until 3 years ago when i started dating one of my male friends that i felt comfortable enough to be touched by him its been over 3 years and im stil with him but once well we were dating a guy tried to have sex with me i frooze again but luckily i actually snapped out of it and got up and ran away. I hate that it still affects me today. I still see him once in awhile when he comes for christmas or some hoilday or when he needs a place to stay. i just hid when hes around. i wish there was something i could do to puch this away and finally be able to stand up for myself and be able to yell and say no to guys who try to push themselves on me. i want to be able to go be checked by any male doctor and not cry. i even saw someone to try and help but it still comes back to haunt me. like at my prom 2 years ago its a time were couples finally have sex and with me i have nothing to give and it kills me I would have loved for my first time to be with my boyfriend but i cant change the past and I have to just try to go with the shots that come with it

sugerlee sugerlee
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 20, 2009

oh my darling,i two was molested,and it has efected my whole life.Thank u 4 sharing your story as i know how painful it is to relive ore even admite those feelings....you didnt let it happen....you were five years old!....dont let it fester dont let him win....go in to counceling...dont let him destroy your lfe