I'm No Pga Golf Professional But I've Played A Round Or Two!

Once upon a time, I was married to a real golf enthusiast. He was a lefty, scratch golfer, with a swing that I loved to watch. He bought me the best "petite" club women's set, so he could teach me the game. I love learning new things, so I was ready to join the LPGA  once I was prepared!

I was in my early 20's back then, and we worked a lot of hours. So the "training" part just kept getting put off. I would look at my shiny new clubs hanging in the garage, my bright new leather golf shoes, my beautiful bag, my bright pink balls that I just loved (I liked the balls by color, not design or quality, etc. -- the true sign of an excellent golfer! ha!)..........and would think, "when I do hit the links, I sure will look good."

My husband came home later than me one night and said: "Hey, I signed us up for a scrambles tournament tomorrow at the club." I was sitting in the jacuzzi, very relaxed, or I might have passed out on him! I just stared and said: "Okay, when do you think you should start the lessons?" He thought as soon as I got out of the jacuzzi would be fine. I hurried out. I had been to many tournaments with him, but still had never played myself.

I never was the athlete type, but I wanted to at least hit the ball! We turned on the backyard lights and hit into his net. (He had a big golf net set up in the yard just for practicing! ha!) Good thing. I knew the etiquette rules. I had watched him enough. But, other than that, my knowledge was pretty slim. I had never actually swung a club before. And, since I was right-handed, when he did it, everything looked backwards.

We hit several balls into the net, the shoes fit comfy (first time I had tried them on!), and so off we went to bed! I was ready for my first club golf outing. For those who don't know, scrambles are great for the beginner golfer like me. Everyone hits the ball, and you take the best shot. This was a couple's scramble. I was pumped..........my first tournament. Maybe I would win my first sport trophy? Wow!

We show up at the club early to "stretch and practice on the putting green." (Husband's idea, not mine!) As far as I was concerned, I had practiced last night, and I was good to go. Why would I need to stretch? This was not yoga! I said nothing and did as I was told.

Then, the club golf pro drew from a hat and matched up the couples. We were paired up with this older couple who my husband did not know. His parents had been members for years, but we were new. We walked up to introduce ourselves. The woman was staring me down. She reminded me of the typical stereotype: country club wife who had never worked outside of the home, stuffy, arrogant, and rude because she just kept staring me down. I thought she was funny, so I enjoyed playing with her mind. They knew nothing of my husband's golfing abilities and I wasn't saying a word. (This was going to be so much fun. Since we were new members, she had already formed her opinion: we were too young, probably weren't any good, and she was mad because I guess this scrambles tourney meant the world to her -- like an Olympics golf medal perhaps!)

I didn't help her ego. It was too much fun. She asked how long had I been playing. I looked at my watch. I answered: "Less than 24 hours." The look on her face was priceless. I thought she was going to ask the pro for another pairing. That would have really made me laugh. She really hated me now.

Her husband was already drinking (it was 8 a.m.) so maybe that's how he was going to put up with the dreadful "kids" as partners. I tried to help matters by explaining to them that I had practiced real hard the night before. (They were not pleased and rolled their eyes.) After all, how dare I show up to THEIR country club and play in a scrambles tourney, which was practically like The Masters (I didn't see a green jacket in sight!), and not know how to play golf.

My husband had gone to get our scorecards, register our team, and get the cart. When he returned, they gave him an evil stare. He had no idea of the conversation that had taken place. I said nothing about his golfing history and how many tournaments he had won. I just wanted the "old, rude farts" to watch and learn! lol

We started on hole #4 and they went first. Guess they thought they should lead the game to show us how things were done or where to stand or maybe where to put the ball. My husband was extremely polite, so he didn't mind one bit. He was getting his club out and checking yardage. I didn't care about those sort of things. I just looked at him and asked "which driver should I use?" My female partner heard me........she sighed. He said: pick whichever one you like, honey.

Their drives off the tee box were okay.......not too far; one went toward the trees, the other was really close to a bunker. I marched up to the tee box. I was glad I had remembered to bring my tee. (It's really sad when you forget those silly things and have to walk back to the cart, especially when you have Mr. and Mrs. Socialite Scrambles Champions watching on! ha! ) I tried to remember my husband's tips, his smooth swing, but you know, it just wasn't meant to be. I did hit the ball...............I was ecstatic................but unfortunately, it just barely rolled off the tee box. My dear husband walked over, picked up my ball, patted me on the back,  and said "good job hon." I was proud. I looked at the couple in the cart. They were about to die. I believe she started drinking then. It was only about 8:15 a.m. This was probably good. It was going to be a long day for her -- she was way too stressed. I was very relaxed.......I knew we had my husband, the ace in the hole! lol

He approached the tee box and she noticed he was a "southpaw" as they called them. She asked me: Is he left-handed. (I wanted to really confuse her, but it was the truth.)  I said: It's the weirdest thing; he writes right-handed; but plays all sports left-handed. Isn't that odd? She didn't say a word.

I believe I saw sweat beads rolling down her forehead. This must have been really important for their social status. The 'ole name on the country club plaque was like winning the Pulitzer prize, I guess.

My husband's swing was so typical. I had seen it a million times before, but I acted so surprised that it went so far and right down the middle of the fairway. When he jumped into the cart, I kissed him and said, that was one of your best shots ever honey. They heard me, had such a shocked look on their faces, and my husband looked at me as if to say, "What are you drinking?" But, luckily, he played along. He knew exactly how much fun I was having with our arrogant little country clubbers.

Of course, we used his ball at I believe every hole. I acted shocked every time. "This was just the most amazing game he's ever played," I told my partners! They were in shock by now and drinking even more. We were going to win this tournament and they knew it. And it certainly wasn't because of their pathetic shots.............or my novice attempts. Although I did love watching my ball skip across the fairway every now and then..........and then watch my husband walk/drive over to pick it up and tell me what a nice job I had done. (It had maybe gone 50 feet! ha!)

I was having so much fun....................especially with our partner couple. It was a blast. The more they drank, the more stories I told. My husband hadn't been playing golf for too long. My husband hadn't played in a tournament in forever. It just kept getting better. They believed me. I was soooooooooooo convincing, except my husband was sort of screwing up my "game" with his own "game of golf!" Funny how that happens. He actually was playing to win. How odd.........................I knew he would...........he always did! That's why I was so relaxed. My name would be on the plaque. No problem. I didn't even drink beer, but I could have been wasted and my name was still going to be on that plaque. I should have bet that nasty couple!!!

Well, the tournament finally ended. I congratulated my husband with a kiss for playing so well. The nasty couple shook his hand for such a good game. (They knew we had won, by a landslide.)

As we were eating snacks in the clubhouse, my husband was over talking to the pro. The couple, who never shook my hand for my "fine game of golf," decided to pretend to know me again! ha! I wanted to finally be rid of them. The man asked: I was wondering.............exactly what is your husband's handicap? I asked him what that meant? (I knew exactly what the term meant. I didn't have one. I had never played a full round of golf! lol) I said: Well, I'm not sure in numbers, but I hear other people say something like "swatch" or "match" or something like that? He just stared at me. He asked: Do you mean "scratch?" I replied: Oh, yes, that's it. He has a scratch handicap. Is that any good? The man said: Honey, yes, that means your husband plays a very good game of golf. I told him "thanks, that was good to know."

The things you learn at your first golf scramble. I was a champion. We didn't use one of my balls, but nonetheless, I was on the championship team. I was proud. My little pink balls did great.

Since that time, I played in so many golf scrambles, I lost track. And each time, the results were much the same. The couple was not that impressed with the wife, but they sure loved the husband. Oh well, I started bringing fun snacks for the carts, so I could be loved too! Over the years, I probably played in more scrambles tournaments than Arnold Palmer! But, I'm betting he didn't use pink balls! And, I'm betting that I had more fun!!!

Yes, I had to retire from my LPGA career when I had children. I still own clubs, new ones again. Someday, I shall try this game of golf again! Except for, this time, I'll be driving solo, so it could be "rough" times ahead. I no longer have my ace in the hole!

Straight down the fairway, to all you golfers.................stay tuned, for my next "sports" enlightening moment, "when I learned how to fish!" It was a "gutsy" experience that made me almost throw up.


trappedwithoutbars trappedwithoutbars
46-50, F
3 Responses Mar 5, 2010

I don't like arrogant people eithers. I've had some in my life too, but you have a special talent for playing them. Proving idiots wrong, I love it. <br />

Thank you, sweet dear. I'll never forget that snob lady "golf pro!" ha! She was sooo disappointed in me as her partner. She made it very clear to me that I was not 'good enough' to be on her team! (Why, I didn't even play Ladies Golf on Tuesdays at the club? Can you imagine such a thing? I was working, idiot!) Anyway, I'll always remember her with "fond" memories as we accepted our trophies in front of the crowd! (I winked at her; she probably thought I was bisexual! ha!) My husband called me a "mess" (laughing) as we drove the golf cart into the cart storage! He knew I had so much fun with her! I despise people who think they are better than others and do not realize that they too started out at one time as a beginner. I also have no tolerance for snobs. <br />
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I'll return to the LPGA one day again and send her one of my non-pro hot pink golf balls, autographed, of course! Thanks again...........I guess my life has just been one soap opera to another............lol. <br />
Thanks! Glad I made you smile. I'm probably still a lousy golfer. He's probably still a great one.

I am so glad to see you writing one of your great stories again. <br />
One; of your talents, is writing and you have no problem helping people laugh by doing so. Thanks for sharing your talent and the humorous story telling. <br />