Observation From A Younger Girl... And A Question...

I've only dated a couple of older guys, let me say that upfront... But I've noticed a lot of mutual benefit to both sides in the few relationships I've had. My current worthless bf is 20 (I can say that, he doesn't have EP) and he doesn't get it frankly... He would rather spend his money on pot and Xbox games instead of food and rent... It's so frustrating... I mean I totally love pot and Xbox games, but come on! That's the big benefit I get from older guys... Just some maturity, understanding what's important in life... Knowing how to treat a girl instead of always expecting her to treat you... It's a total sum of all of the little things like that. It makes the whole experience better all of the way around... I loved not having to worry all the time about stuff and feel confident that the guy I'm with can look out for some of it...

I think that from the guys end younger girls bring a variety of benefits, but most generally it's a feeling of youth and energy that older guys feel is missing from their lives for whatever reason, then of course for most it's the sex... While older guys frequently claim to bring the experience, I've found the opposite is actually true... That I'm usually the one initially bringing the experience and energy into our sex life and after he is comfortable he starts to take the lead... But what we lack in experience we more than make up for with a youthful excitement and eagerness I think.

But now for my question... I am 20 and I also have some immaturity and don't totally want to give up my 20's... Is there anyway to resolve the issues associated with dating an older guy? Like after some point it always seems there is a big ever growing gap between us... Me thinking he's lazy and never wanting to do stuff... And him calling me immature and childish... I don't know if anyone has figured it out... But in the few relationships I've had it ends up in a few months that all we have left is the sex... And we both end up looking for something else...

Is it possible for a guy in his 40's or older and a girl in her 20's to actually meet in the middle, or is the gap just too wide and not worth continuing to try? It's hard when he doesn't want to go out with me and my friends because we drink, smoke, play video games, and act like we are 20... He feels old and let out... But I feel awkward going to hang with his friends who look at me like I'm just a sex to of his, and worse, going to work events where everyone assumes I'm just his midlife crisis, which probably is true, but doesn't help the situation any either...

Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet...
KeeleyKool KeeleyKool
18-21, F
17 Responses Dec 5, 2012

you havent met the right older guy. my ex is 23. we got along great. i like how she made me feel young, but then again i act younger than i am. i i may be a bit immature, but im responsible add me

my BF is 36 and its fun, he pays for everything

I don't think you've met the right guy. Love does not have an expiration date. Its a matter of finding the balance. And being with someone that enjoys you for who you are and vise versa. Even us older guys can learn and grow.

I think it's perfectly possible for people with an age gap to find common ground... for a simple example, why shouldn't a young girl prefer the more creative music of a byegone era, and a man to like something which has changed with the times?
Some guys of more mature years are still able to enjoy the activities they enjoyed of 10-15 years ago, and some gals are far more grown up!
So, why shouldn't there be girls who act older than 20, matching with a guy who behaves like he's 30 when he's 10 years older?!!

I'm a 47 year old guy in southern UK, looking for something casual and experiemental, where a young gal 16-21 is treats him like he's just a pleasure slave for her fun! Look me up gals and we'll chat!

Many common themes here. It can work coz it has in so many traditional cultures and even North American Cultures. I would find a way to make it work for love.

Keely, I have dated girls from your age and have heard the same thing, their babies daddy/bf just wants to play games or never come home, spends money on things besides his woman and bills. Even though I have had more than a few ewww and insults from younger ladies most of mine have been positive experiences. I take time to listen to them, spend time with them and their kid (if they have any) and don't waste money on things that are not neccessary, True, I may not quite have the stamina I had at 20 but I just last longer and a little slower! Age is just a number.

Well I guess it really depends on how we are defining older and exactly what the younger person is looking for. There are guys that are older and have completely removed themselves from living life. This typically is what we think of the middle aged guy having a midlife crisis. They may have the finances, but besides that they are lacking in experience in many things, always have and always will. Thus it shouldn't be a surprise that a person like this is not going to bring a lot of experience and as you have seen, would be very receptive to learn.

Then there are older guys that have never stopped living. They are very active and travel to places that tend to attract young people (like Vegas, Miami, Ibiza). It isn't that they are seeking out a younger person, it is that they just happen to cross paths. I think you would fine someone like this more likely to be able to interact with friends and be a relationship that could go beyond the sheets. Obviously this older guy would be attracted to a younger woman because she could keep up with him and fit into his lifestyle.

You've already gotten some good comments and advice. Here are some adders from me. As I have gotten older I have become less interested in the immediate excitement of my partner and more interested in how we get along in our day to day lives. There are so many times when work, kids, other friends, hobbies etc. get in the way of paying total attention to each other. Young and very attractive women are often used to being the center of attention and life being one exciting date after another. That's great initially but it wears off and real life eventually intrudes. Similarly, if the older guy is only attracted to the thrill of a beautiful young woman then it will wear thin. However, it can and often does work. If you embrace the differences and are comfortable around each other and with yourself it can be great. Most of this applies no matter what the ages are. It's just that with a big age difference it gets highlighted and seems to come up sooner. If one loves watching football and the other hates it it can be great if they just feel good being in the same house together rather than feeling upset over not being the center of attention. Again, this applies equally to both people. The older guy can be insecure and too clingy since he may worry she will eventually want someone younger. The woman may feel she lacks the experience to mix around his friends. These feelings cause problems. However, if they just enjoy each other, support each other and make the differences be what makes the other interesting then it can be great. It's about enjoying who each other is and not trying to make them someone they aren't.

The short answer to your question is that it is all about who the guy is and not what group (age, nationality, race, etc.) he belongs to. So,.... it is all about finding the right guy young or old.

Very true!

Thanks! You know you are 100% right... Maybe I put too much emphasis on the age difference and need to just worry about the guy and get him to focus on me instead of the younger/older thing... True that things come up and life gets in the way, but usually that is on my end... Which makes it hard for him to accept... I think being a single mom kind of flips the roles you describe... Where I am the one worried about life and he is not as I've only seriously dated guys without kids...

It can be done but the problem is the great difference in "frame of reference." You both have to work to understand each others frame of reference. If we can't communicate because we neither make an attempt to understand each others frame of reference then the only thing in common is the obvious...sex! Not to say that sex is not a fun part of this kind of relationship! Lastly it totally depends on the maturity of the younger women and the mental flexibility of the older man. For me, I refuse to get old...I intend to do everything and anything I can to live life to the fullest!!

Good point! I know exactly what you mean... I feel in pretty mature in a lot of ways... Not all, but a lot... Finding a guy with the younger mindset who doesn't act like a jackass is hard... Often it's like they take just the annoying aspects of younger guys and latch onto that... But I'm still looking :-)

I bet you won't love this answer. If it is going to work you have to give up the idea that one guy can be your "everything" guy. Young or old, guys are not cut out for that. Honestly, most girls spend a lot of time lying to themselves about feelings you have while in a relationship. Women have one thing and want another, a lor of the time. In a way, that is part of the fun you can have in being a woman, but also the challenge. The good thing about an older guy...He may not really want to be your only sexual partner. He may be smart enough to recognize that though you enjoy what he brings, sometimes you want something only a 20 something can give you. Why do you think one man has to be everything for you?

Girls get a lot more from being "poly" than most realize. Have fun. Right now your youth and beauty are amazingly powerful...they are your "currency". You could also go the other way, and have a 20 something main boyfriend and an older man for respite, joy and satisfaction. You will be amazed by hat you can experience when you open your mind.

Good idea... It had crossed the mind a time or two... Trying to find two guys down with that, and that I am interested in is probably pretty difficult. I'm not interested at all in lying to either, or hiding it... That's too mentally draining for me...

Fair enough. That is why I thought you might not like the idea. The thing is, those factors, whether openly addressed or not, tend to drive women to both affairs and lying. Men can get into emotional, intellectual and sexual ruts (so can women). No one is perfect all the time. Most of the time most men want a girl they can love with tenderness, passion and affection (and good loving sex). Sometimes we want a girl we can do things to that would leave us not wanting to look her in the eye later. I was shocked at myself to find out how variable I can be, and I am male. I can only imagine the variableness you experience as a female, and then for the days you might think a bad boy could be fun, suddenly a hot one starts hitting on you. You didn't know you were sending off signals.

I think the older guy is likely to be tolerant. Explore poly a bit more.

I had a relationship with a 19 yo student and it lasted for 7 months. We both moved on, but during that time it was wonderful. I find that i enjoy the thoughts of a mature young woman.

Ah student... Why are older teachers so attractive? Just after Christmas I broke up with my boyfriend who was 19 and started dating a professor from one of my college classes last semester... So far so good... We share some mutual interests, and are both pretty open minded about actually "dating" more or less, letting each other spend time alone or with our friends as well...

You haven't met the right guy yet and one that can compromise. That means you need to compromise too. I play video games...all done going to loud clubs where you can't talk and your ears are ringing, was never much of a dancer, However would slow dance with you. Would go to a place that you liked that played music that wasn't blowing out your ears with you and your girlfriends and have a few beers but not get wasted and not every night.. As far as meeting his friends I'm sure after a few times of meeting you and getting to know you they would figure out it was more than sex, So I'm sure that would work itself out and they would enjoy basking in your beauty and attention and find out your down to earth besides being absolutley gorgeous! People are always going to assume you can't control that...so it really doesn't matter..its what you think and feel that matters not them. So it really comes down to compromising in any relationship..

get engaged in his activities and try to encourage him to get in your activities! i completely understand your point as at one point of time i had a girlfriend who was 12 years my junior! we both talked it out and my friends liked her charm and ability to understand and accepted her easily. With her friends i had fun and enjoyed their jokes, they liked my stability and frank joy of being with them. Just talk it out with your partner when you have a mature guy and hopefully things will work out.

sorry i meant when ur 40 hes 60:P

True... But I also know the other way is a bigger risk... If I'm 40 and he's 60 how long until he wants a younger woman again...

Now I guess I should have qualified my statement... Not looking to get married, just date and go from there... I barely make it to the 6 month period, so twenty years hasn't even crossed my mind... But very good point!

when your 40 hes 80 the question is how long untill u start chasing young meat lol

Cool story, Keeley Kool, I liked your probing, and the questions you were raising, and how you were trying to figure it out. I'm an old guy and have no insights,as I always dated someone close to me in age. I think it works once in a great while. I once knew a young guy in his mid 20's married to a woman in her early 50's. When I first met them I thought they were mother and son. But he said he really loved her, and he thought girls his age were more of an immature pain than they were worth, and the older woman really new how to make him happy. I think it takes a younger person who's a little more mature, and an older person with the passion to stay young for it to be a success. And a genuine love would help a lot. Keep writing and good luck on finding the right person.

Yes, it is possible...but as it has been said before, just look for guys that are into the same things that you're into like playing games and smoking pot...also dating is about compromise, and doing things that we don't want to do but do them anyways for the other person because we care about them. Personally I love playing games, and when I can I smoke, but not too often...have been wanting to cosplay but haven't had the time nor the money to do so yet but hope to in the future.

Like you ;-) very nice profile! *heart*