Its Time To Come Out, And Share My Story....

I am In Love with someone, who is not the man, who I share my bed with. I found him here on EP, and we connected automatically. It was like an instant conection. I didn't plan for it to happen, and I wasn't execting it to happen at all. I have a relationship, with a man outside of Ep. And as bad as it sounds, things with us, are as far from okay as they can be. When we are together, just the two of us, we are okay, but when we are around other people, its like I am not good enough for him, because than I am treated like ****, and Like I don't matter.

I want things to work out, because as bad as things are, part of me, really does Love him. He was my 1st serious boyfriend, he was my 1st for so many things, and I don't want him, to be the one to give me, my 1st broken heart. I just don't know how I would cope with that at all. I feel like a ******* *****, for having these kinds of feelings for someone else, let alone, somoene who I doubt is interested. He is a good friend. And that is more than enough for me

I just miss feeling Loved, and comforted by someone. I miss having that safe feeling, when I am with him. He just doesn't make me feel Loved anymore. He doesn't make me feel like I am his Star, or even someone who is imporant enough to be thought about during the day. I want to make things right, but I don't know how. It doesn't help, that I have strong feelings for someone else.

I wish I didn't like this other guy, it makes me hate myself so much, that I just don't know what to do. I try not talking to him, but like I said, we are good friends, so its so hard. I don't want to hurt anyone, I am hurting mysefl, and my heart enough as it is. I just feel so bad for being this kind of person. I hate it more than anything, and goddamit, if I could change it, or stop it I would. I swear I would!

It would be so much easier, if this guy came out and ******* told me, not to talk to him ever again, and that he hates me, and never wants anything to do with me again, but sadly, he is too kind of a man to do something like that! It makes things so ******* complicated. I want to say sorry for everyone, who I am hurting, or whoms feeling I have hurt, I am trying not to be like this. I truly hate who I am for liking him, and I truly hate myself, for being like this. I really hate myself, more than I can put it in words.
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May 28, 2010