He Was Right In Front Of Me But Never In My Grasp

i was just a bit mean to him because i couldnt control my feelings.he was mean to me because thats just his personality. in the two years i knew him he even yelled at me twice, once was my fault and the other was just him being a jerk.i still couldnt control my feelinns, i could barely control my body. everyday i found myself thinking and doing little things to get him to notice me while at the same time hating him for making me feel this way. i knew he would never like me because of my race. then in clasegs i started slightly ignoring him because i hoped that i could forget. then id get on fb and use my baby bro as reason for why i typd him gibberish but it backfired and i think i was ignored. why i like him is really unexplainable. im usually never jealous but now i get jealous a lot and i can only blame him. i say the stupidest things around him then id go home and feel so stupid. when i saw him outside with his friends i didnt talk to him even though i could've . if i was walking down the street and i saw him id walk on because i was too scared. then i saw the girl he liked before she had become his girlfriend and i was so hurt because i couldnt even compare. i knew id never be as pretty, interesting, fearless, or popular. after seeing her i went to an empty park and cried i didnt get home til sunset. i knew and i know that id never have a chance i hope that i could leave these feelings alone. and this was all at the school where i decided to test out if a guy could like me without me dressing well. its so sad to think of all the reasons itd never happen, race,looks,and now distance. i miss him and wish that we could be real friends but i know that the reason we could never be is my fault. hopefully his code name will have no more use for me. maybe id see him again, that guy in my heart, jh. even this doesnt sum up my feelings and actions, im so  wierd and i still blame jh.