I Control When I Hear This Song

This song played the first time my daughter went to a mental hospital. She as just 6 years old and has Autism. She is quite violent and is certainly a danger to herself and others.

My Immortal said exactly what my heart was crying:

"I'm so tired of being here

suppressed by childhood fears"

(This line speaks to what I hoped for my children: healthy, happy)

"and if you have to leave

I wish you would just leave

'cause your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone"

(if she needs residential care why is her body there but her heart is here?)

"These wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just to real

there's just too much that time cannot erase"

(Life with her is very painful because she hurts and cannot express it. I also mourn the child I didn't have.)

"When you cried, i'd wipe away all of yours tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of our fears"

(the crying and screaming is nonstop. I know special songs to calm her, ways to hold her that give her the deep pressure she needs. I can see the little things that set her off that only a parent of an autistic would know.)

"I held your hand through all of these years"

(She was my teenage pregnancy i divorced her father after he molested her and found her a new daddy that loves her like a daddy should.)

"But you still have

all of me"

(I'm trying to turn off the pain and let you be where you need to be right now, but I'm still completely devoted to you.)

"You used to captivate me

by your resonating life"

(She is amazing, she can do things beyond her age and she inspires others as to what she can achieve.)

"Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

your face haunts

my once pleasant dreams"

(she's not at home but her things are. I feel guilty for the new freedom I have.)

"Your voice it chased away

all the sanity in me"

(the non stop screaming and the things you have to learn changed me entirely)

"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

but you're still with me"

(She's at the hospital but she's still on my mind, in my heart, in my dreams.

"I've been alone all along"

(Does she love me? She sees people as tools, ways to get what she needs. Am I alone in this love?)

CrissyO CrissyO
3 Responses Jun 24, 2008

I just want to give you a big hug you've had to deal with a lot

i have no comment to perfection...it is beautiful, i used to listen to it everytime i would drive home @9pm from work high and totally stone, i always felt that would be the perfect way to die.my soul was at one with itself, oh well now i'm sane again(but still love the song.)

Broken is the song my husband thinks of me with