Gnomes Don't Cry, By Dr. Philbilly

Last week my oldest son Josh stayed over at a friends house. The next day I went and picked him up for his soccer game. While he was getting his things together I went to the bathroom to take a badly needed pee. While I was peeing apparently I did not lock the door because to my surprise and horror it began to open. I yelled “OCCUPIED” but that did no good. Still kept opening.

Now when you are in the middle of a good pee there is no cutting it off, so what does one do in this situation? I closed my eyes and clicked my heels three times chanting “I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home”. When I opened my eyes I was still there. It didn’t work, but I did realize it was only josh.

Now when Josh left he did not close the door behind him, craaaap! His friend is roaming around somewhere and his mothers bedroom is next door, she could come out at any moment. So I do what every talented redneck male does with luck like mine. While I was peeing I lifted up my right leg, balancing on my left and tried to push the door closed all while trying not to pee on the cute little wooden cat toilet paper holder. You know how cat’s hate water. And mission accomplished , dang I’m good.

As I was zipping up and proud of the feat I had just accomplished I noticed something. There was something to the left of the toilet. A statue of a Gnome, and it was crying. Gnome’s don’t cry, ooooh craaaap! Apparently I'm not as good as I thought I was. I gotta clean him up, I can't just leave him there like that.

In the middle of cleaning up after my bad aim the bathroom door comes flying open. It's the mom. She just freezed and stares at me wondering why do I have her Gnome in a head lock and why does it look like I have a cloth of chloraform over it's face? Then it hits her. I'm so busted. "Your the Gnome bandit aren't you? Your the one that steals peoples Gnomes and then send them pictures in the mail of it one vacation." I just look at her and say "You got me!" I'm thinking “unbelievable”. Then as she was headed out the door she says laughing "Don't worry. It won't be the first time the little sucker got peed on". I was soooo embarrassed. I’m just sayin!

DrPhilbilly DrPhilbilly
10 Responses Jul 26, 2010

ha..poor gnome? How bout poor me...I had to clean him up lol

Sooo Funny!! Poor little gnome.....

Yea is was pretty funny...till I had to clean him up lmao :)

No kiddin Jollyone. Thing was about two feet tall. Not like I could really miss the thing lol.

I'm just here to help Sunshine lol. :)

Ha Ha that was so funny, but maybe the gnome should be put further away from the toilet in future!

you have no idea...I was so embarassed lol. Dang Gnome! :)

lol you must have been so relieved at her parting comment ! :))

Not sure about everyday but I sure got him good lol. I thought the owner was gonna die lol.

LOL That poor Gnome--he doesn't get to live in the garden like all his friends, he just gets peed on everyday! =P