What Stirs In The Dark Is My Friend

Hello all I stumbled on to this site lookin for more social ways to handle what I am inside. At this very moment I just got off work and am sittin in my car smokin a smoke regroupin my forces to go home and be the daddy I asked to be. And lookin back on the strange turn of events that got me here. My internal fear leads me to fear not bein alone. I just discovered about 2 and a half years ago that I've suffered from ptsd since before I can even remember which now explains a lot of things I couldn't explain. Such as why fresh cucumbers as sweet as they smell almost make me angry, or why a mens room urinal makes me nervous. For years these little things bothered me, figurin mabey I'm just a freak which fueled my just wantin to be alone. I've never had a good dream and wondered why I would wake up screamin in a pool of sweat. I keep the crazy at bay through morbidity. Most people see a body hacked to pieces and get very unsettled as for me it brings comfort. I don't feel a lot so I've held on to what I know to be real. In my world to hurt is to feel, love is sex, home is where your not judged or ignored and life is the product of obligation I've been lookin for healthier ways of gettin these thoughts out but most of my journals I have written in the midst of my thoughts make me sound almost suisidel and that's not the case at all. The life I have lived shows that all things are possable but I've spent so much time alone that now its as if its the only place I feel free to totally 100 percent submit to that that is myself. I left a bad marriage after 11 years together. I can honestly say I tried everyday to be the best damn husband I could be. That woman was treated like a queen and I made sure she had all she needed and tried to the point of gettin rid of all but my hat, boots, clothes and truck to give her all she wanted just to discover she had been messin round on me since about 6 months into our relationship. I left her with 10 acres my truck and everything we had aquired over the past 11 years to live in my car and think. Now about 3 years later I've been with a woman for about a year and a half. She has made me a daddy, loves me in ways so genuine I never even knew existed, makes a damn good chicken noodle soup from scratch, and knows that I'm here. The problem is as simple as a mormon boy in a brothal house... I don't know how to be here. I fight the feelin of packin up my clothes and walkin away everyday and it kills me that I feel this way. I want everything we have but find it hard to want. She goes shoppin and asks me" what did you want at the store" and I usually reply I'm good simply because I feel guilty in one way or another. That's what life has taught me. I feel comfortable bein ignored and alone. I can be the best friend that you can never reach, the best man that will give your wife the best night of her life, and the drunk preacher, but when the real feelins of life come I don't know how to cope. Someday she's gonna tell me she's pregnant and that will be the happiest moment of my life and I'm afraid she's gonna think I'm mad at her. This is my first time sharin these thoughts with others so hopefully my next entry will be more locallized cause if your willin to listen... then I've got a lot to say
chewy1979 chewy1979
31-35, M
1 Response May 3, 2010

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you feel as though you don't deserve your current woman. I don't think that is true, whatever you have been through. Your story shows that you have a loving heart and nature.<br />
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I want you to know that you are not alone. I have felt some of what you say that you are feeling. You wrote, "I want everything we have but find it hard to want." That is something that I have felt , too, in the past. After years of therapy and self reflection, I realized that in my case, I felt that way because I was afraid of getting hurt-- and I thought I'd get hurt because I thought that I didn't deserve what I had, so I believed that there was no way it was going to last. This was not a conscious thought, but it was there. I also had PTSD. I still at times feel more comfortable ignored and alone, but not necessarily happier. I self-sabotaged good relationships in the past without even realizing it until later. Then I went to the other extreme, where I gave too much. I've shared some of my experience, because I hope it wil help you. good luck to you, and much happiness.