I Used To Tell Myself I Wouldn't Do This To Myself, Untill I Proved It To Myself, Now Im Loosing Myself :(

My story goes way back, I met this boy when I was a freshman, which now im a sophomore, he was a senior.He was a bad boy, he popped pills and was in trouble alot, but still he wasn't like any other guy I knew. He told me we were best friends, and so I trusted him with everything and we sat at lunch together and he always flirt with me, but I never looked at him as anything more than friends. But the oneday close to halloween he called me, he never called me unless he needed somthing or had a question. Well then we talked for a longg time, and he told me he had so much feelings for me. Well then I thought about it and I really liked him too. So we talked a lot, and we were talking about sex. I didn't think about it, and I was going along with it. I was a virgin and my girl bestfriend lost her virginity a year ago, so I wanted to loose mine too. He made everything sound so perfect, I wanted him. The only problem was he had a girlfriend. I didn't care, because I felt like he didn't want her anymore since he was talking to me. So we kept talking and I fell even more in love.. That Friday, he still had a girlfriend... me, him, my two girl bestfriends, and there boyfriends all went to a football game. Well we left and went to a cotton field and me and Jonathan were in his car and we were just doing stuff, we couldn't have sex because it wouldn't go in. I thought everything was perfect, because i've never done anything with a boy before, but kiss. I was probably the happiest girl in the world. Then we started seeing each other after school, and oneday we was at DQ and his girlfriends friend saw us kissing outside and told her. The next day she got in my face and cussed me out, I didn't say anything because I didn't want Jonathan to get mad. So they broke up, and I was happy, even though he was sad. He didn't show his sadness, but he took so many pills he was always high. That night me and my two girl bestfriends went to another football game, it was the day before halloween and I spent the night with my granny that night. Me and Jonathan were talking about seeing each other later that night, because he was working that day. Well I snuck out at like 1 and we went to my old house that we were moving out of, there was a bed in there and we layed there and messed around till about 4 then he put it in, it hurt so bad, it only lasted about 3 min. But from that night on I was no longer a virgin. I told him we had to date now. And he said okay. So in my head we were togeher and everything was perfect. I snuck out the next night too, just too see him. But then Monday was here, and I pulled up at school, and I saw Jonathan hug Ashley, his ex, and I was crying my eyes out that morning. Then he told me, don't worry. So I didn't. I was soo happy that week, even though Ashley was trying to fight me, and she was starting so much drama. Well then Friday came along and I called Jonathan and he didn't answer, then he called me back and told me that we could talk anymore, that he still had feelings for Ashley. I was heartbroken.. I never felt so much pain.. I wanted to cry all night, but instead I went to the football game and to top off that horrible night I saw Ashley and Jonathan walking together and hugging. I was broken that night, but I didn't let it show. We didn't talk for a while.. like 2  months. He seemed happy with her, and I met someone else too. He never quit textiing me, we were always friends. But I knew he only wanted one thing, and I was dumb to give it up so quickly. Him and Ashley dated for a year and 1/2 and they've been broken up since December. Well hes been texting me, and we hung out this week a couple of times and  we talked alot, then yesterday he told me that he told Ashley that me and him were dating, and I was like you trying to get her mad.? He said yeah, but it may become true ;) and I said hopefully. Then we went to the mall, and he was strung out on oxycottin and loratabs, and he was drinkin vodca, we went to his car. And once again I gave it up! The second dumbest thing ever. And he left, and I got home and texted him a couple times and got no reply, then I called him and Ashley answered. She said he cant talk right now, and was asking me what he took and where he got alcohol. I told her I didn't know, and she let the phone go, and I heard her screaming on the phone saying don't close your eyes, and that she was going to call the ambulance and he said no. She kept calling him baby, and it made me mad. I hung up and now I don't know what to do.. should I be upset at myself for replaying the same situation twice knowing that he wasn't going to change.. or should i be mad at him for doing it to me again. Should I worry if hes okay? cause she never texted me and told me if he was ok or not. && im just very upset, because I love that boy, but he will never be mine. && I have to deal with it :(