Advice For A Son (4) New Beginnings

For those of you who are keeping up with the events and struggles of my son and this incredibly complex journey we are on, I thought I would provide for you a narrative of how he is doing and the directions I am taking to mother him.

When I last reported to you, he had accepted his first very own panties. That morning of course he excitedly rushed off to put his first pair on, color coordinating with my own. I am normally a very girly girl so it’s very natural for me to walk around the house in panties and a bra and tee or an intricate night shirt or silky pajamas with lace trim. I’m not one of those sweat pant kind of girls. Whatever I have on will definitely be feminine and pretty. That’s just my nature but some of the comments from you have made me second guess the way I dress around him. As his mother, I guess I just never realized that he would see me as anything other than a mother so walking around in panties and a bra wasn’t something I worried about.

But, now that we are on this journey and I know that he loves feminine things, I sort of hate to be any different because he may want to emulate me like daughters do their mothers. I can’t teach him the things he should know, should he end up transgendered, if I hide everything feminine about me and the way I present myself as a women. It’s a complicated position to be in. So for now, I guess I will try my best not to walk around in my undies and bra and always try to cover myself with something, even if it’s a cute nightie, baby doll or cami/short set. That way, I am still expressing my femininity but in a more tasteful way.

So after dinner that evening, I drew his bath for him so he could get his bed clothes on before retiring to watch television with me. I laid out a clean pair of pajamas, night shirt and clean panties for him to continue down the path I was on. I did the same for me and set out a pretty black chemise about 30 inches to cover me decently and some clean panties. We took our baths and found each other in front of the television on the big comfy leather couch.

I’m always a little cold wherever I am so I have throws all over the house I can use to keep me warm. When I get to the couch, my son has the throw covering him so I ask if it’s ok to share the blanket and he agrees. I slide up on the couch behind him and under the comfy faux fur. When I get in the blanket with him, I notice he didn’t put on his pajama shorts, he just had on his panties and his night shirt. It actually kind of shocked me a little. “Sweetheart, why didn’t you wear your shorts tonight? Aren’t you cold babe?” “No mom, I like these new underwear a lot and I wasn’t cold.” “Oh ok, (trying not to be shocked) your right, they are pretty on you.”

That is all that was said about it. We watched television until 9 together then I walked him to his bedroom in his cute little panties and tucked him into bed. The only part that creeped me out just a little was that the thin panties allowed me to see the outline of his thing and that kind of made me think bad of myself for a few minutes. But what can I do about that? He is a boy and has a penis, I can’t be afraid of seeing it or it may freak him out.

The next morning was similar to the previous; he was getting ready in my bath watching me do my makeup, helping me select my outfit. Only he didn’t want to put his pants on until the last minute. It’s like he enjoyed walking around in his new colorful undies. But we had no conversation about girl stuff at all.

That evening we got ready for his dads arrival home for the weekend. He was pretty excited to see him and I was terrified that he would show his dad his new things without me having the opportunity to explain it. But, nothing happened at all. We had a nice dinner, watched tv as a family and my son was kind enough to keep his pants on.

The next day, his father took him flying for a few hours and left me at home to get a few things done. He has a small private plane that he uses to fly back and forth to Atlanta during the week and he wanted to get the oil changed so he and our son took it up to go to one of the airports in the area that services private aviation. Usually he will fly in before lunch, take our son to a restaurant he likes for lunch in a courtesy car, then return after the oil is changed and fly back to the small airport close to our home. It sounds exotic but I promise it’s not.

The whole time I was freaking paranoid about the things they would talk about without me there to deflect the conversation if needed. But when they got back, I heard nothing about it. It was definitely a relief. Sunday, we all went to the park, the two of them played a little catch with a baseball while I made us a picnic lunch. Afterwards we drove to Oak Ridge to visit my parents for an Italian dinner so they could spend time with their grandson then we drove back home.

The whole weekend was smooth sailing. I knew that he had run out of clean panties on Sunday morning but he never said anything to me. I wondered if he would ask me for more or ask for a pair of mine or what. On Monday morning Curt leaves the house very early so he can fly to Atlanta. I run some bath water for my guy and pretty soon I hear him shut the door and get in his bath. When he comes into my bath, he has his dirty clothes in a basket for me to wash. I always do laundry on Mondays and Thursdays pretty much but it is very unusual for him to pick up after himself and bring me the dirty laundry.

I praised him for being such a good boy and helping me out. “Mom, all my new underwear is dirty so I have to wear my old ones again, do you think you can buy me a few more so I can wear them everyday?” There it was, the first time he actually took the initiative to do this on his own. “Well of course sweetheart. I didn’t know if you liked those or not. You never said. Do you want more like those or would you like me to get you something different, a different color, a different style? Would you just like to go with me and pick them out yourself or you want me to do it for you?” “Well, em, mom… uh.” “What’s wrong baby, what are you trying to tell me?” His mouth quit working and he just grabbed my hand and let me to my bedroom. Once inside, he pointed to my panty drawer. “You want me to open my panty drawer babe?” “Uh huh.” I opened the drawer for him and he just stuck a finger out and pointed at a delicious looking pair of  gold and blue tulle “La Perla” bikini panties. “You want some like this?” I pulled the panties from my drawer and showed them to him. His eyes fixated on the shiny golden and blue lace trimmed girl power panties from hell.

“Baby, I know you probably love these just as much as I do but these are way too expensive for you to wear to school. These are not school panties or play panties; these are for when mommy gets all dressed up in good clothes for a date with dad or for special occasions. I could buy you 30 pair of panties for what this one pair cost. These are very expensive ok, so please don’t borrow them without asking me first” I dug through the bottom of my drawer and found an older pair of fairly pretty panties with lots of lace in yellow since they were similar to the gold ones he so loved and handed them to him. “Are these pretty enough for you to wear today babe? (nodding his head) I have a few pairs of these you can borrow until we can go shopping and get you some more like you like ok? I can’t go tonight because the bachelor is on tv but tomorrow night you and I will go shopping and you can pick out the underwear you like best. How about that?” “Ok mom, thank you.”

My son runs off to his room to change into his borrowed undies, happy as a little boy can be. Minutes later he comes out of his room. I’m frightened and a little freaked out when I notice distinct panty lines on the back of his school uniform trousers. All I can think of is that no one will notice and that I am only being ultra sensitive about it because I actually know what he is wearing under his khaki pants. I choose not to say anything or erode his confidence in any way. He’s a happy child and that’s all I care about at this moment.

When he came home from school yesterday, we pretty much did the same routine as normal, he again decides he’d much rather don the shorts and go strictly tee shirt and panty on the couch with me. Nothing is discussed about his panties or anything and its killing me to keep my mouth shut. He’s in heaven but I’m in a kind of hell where I have no idea what I’m doing as a mother. I am starting to feel like I am providing him these things but I’m not learning anything about why he is drawn to them or why he feels good wearing them. It’s obvious that he is confident wearing them but why? So I decide to cross that line and begin a little dialogue.

“Hey baby, are you ok?” “Yea mom, why?” “I don’t know, you just seem different. Did our conversation last week about your underwear make you uncomfortable?” “Um, well I guess so.” “Why honey? Did I say something that bothered you?” “Um, no mom, I like em a lot and stuff but I feel weird like I’m a girl or something.” “You feel like the new things make you feel girly or do you feel a little girly sometimes even without them? It’s ok, sweetheart, I’m a girl too so it doesn’t matter.” “Well, I don’t know.”

Look babe, you are you and I am me and dad is dad. Everyone is different just like we talked about last week. It’s Ok to tell me if you feel girly sometimes. Some boys feel like they are more a girl than a guy and decide to change their bodies and live as a girl instead. Some girls to the same thing and live their lives as boys. There is no need to feel any shame about those kinds of feelings if that is what you’re having. Lots of kids go through that and just live like they want.” “Really?” “Absolutely! Is that what you are feeling sweetheart? Do you sometimes wish you were a girl like me?” A single tear dropped from his eye and he looked down into the couch. “No mom, not sometimes.” “I began to cry too so I held him in my arms and began to squeeze him and hold him to my chest.

“Its ok baby, you are perfect in every way and if that is what you are feeling inside then that is who you are.” The damn broke loose and he just began crying intently. I just kept holding him as his whole body spasmed with every sniffle. “What’s wrong baby, this is a good day. You were able to share this wonderful thing with your mother and now we can figure out how to make your dreams come true?” “Da-add. Its Daddy. What will daddy say? Will he hate me?” “No, absolutely not! Your dad loves you just like I do and he wants you to be happy just like I do right? Your dad might miss having a son to play ball with or do guy things but that is natural isn’t it? Your dad wants what is best for you and sometimes he gets scared just like I do when he doesn’t understand things. He is the daddy and daddy’s protect the mommies and the kids so when they get surprised by something they don’t understand, it gets scary for them because they want to make sure we are safe and don’t always know how.”

“Look, let’s just keep this between us for right now. Let mom figure out how best to educate your dad on what is happening ok? You don’t need to worry about it. Everything is going to work out just fine and you are going to make me the best little princess that anyone has ever seen. Mom will make everything alright. I just want you to be completely open and honest with me about your feelings from now on ok? I can’t help you if you don’t trust me with what you’re feeling.” “Ok mom.” I hugged my son deeply and whispered in his ear that I love him very much.

I laid back down on the couch and patted my chest and he put his sweet head on my bosom. I just scratched his head and his back and babied him like I knew he needed from me while we both watched television silently. At bed time, I held his hand and walked him to bed and tucked him in, kissing him on the forehead. As I turned out the lights, I heard “I love you mom.” “I love you too sweetheart, sweet dreams.” I shut the door and went to my own room and had a good cry.

On one hand I am glad I found out about this and I am glad that my child trusted me enough to share his guilty secret with me. On the other hand, I have no ******* idea what to do with this. I am completely and utterly unprepared with how to nurture this child. I know it will be incredibly difficult when I share it with his dad and I have no idea how his grandparents or school friends or neighbors or anyone will treat him if we go through with this thing. I don’t even know where to begin.

So much for good communication!

 
Cute30sMom Cute30sMom
31-35, F
18 Responses Jan 15, 2013

Tough call keep us posted, I don't envy you but wish you were my mom growing up!!! Good luck and Thank You for being you!!!!

Wonderful story and lucky son, having an understanding mom like you.
Lee

The best advice I can give you on this is to just go with the flow. Don't try to force anything either way. You will do fine and so will your son. As for the way you dress around him who cares. You are not hurting him in any way. If you are sexy woman and that is you then that is you. From your avatar you are a beautiful woman and and I am sure he appreciates you as such.

Wonderful article, thank you for sharing. I think you are doing a wonderful job raising your son/daughter.
The only thing that I could possibly suggest is to see a gender specialist. If you're near Atlanta I am sure that there are a few in the area.

I don't really know what to think. You may have opened a Pandora's Box The only way out is to tell your son that it's best that we keep "our little secret "between us until your old enough to deal with it independently. Unless you have a very close relationship with your husband, I'd keep a lid on it. Only you can know that.

You are trying, and bring honest with him and yourself. It's not like miss come with written instructions (i wish they did sometimes) but you can Learn together.

Sounds like your doing damn F*&^ing well to me! lol. Let your feelings guide you. Your son seems to have learned to trust you so lead and follow each other. The time will come when you know what is the right thing to do. Right now it's scary 'cause it's a new threshold to step over. The first one is always the most difficult.

I just wish my mom had been like you! What a different life I might have had. Your son already has the best thing he could ever wish for, a mom like you!!!

Very interesting story and chain of events.Though the mention of hubby's name,the airport and his passion for flying may let people to identify you as a family.I have no experience with this type of issue so cant say much about it.I just feel that you show care.How old is the son?

Good mom.

One of the most beautiful things I have ever had the chance to read, better yet, chance to feel. You're obviously an amazing mother and if only the world had a few more people like you it would most definitely be a better place.

wish there were more like you. your son is very lucky to have your help to guide him.

Wow. Just wow. I am speechless!! U would have to be the MOST amazing mom in the world!!

A truly precious moment. Gender aside, he is your child. And the love and reassurance you showered on your child is something he will remember for the rest of his life. I don't know that there is any right or wrong way to handle this. You are best to react as your heart leads you. He is so lucky to have you for a Mom!!

i think u are doing a amazing job as a mother it to bad not all mom can handle this type of change as great as u are and if its anyway i can help i would love to be here for someone for u to talk to

This will be a challenge, but one you will ultimately get right. Your concern, passion and love for your son will steer you to the right path. It may not be easy, but your son is so fortunate to have you as a loving, caring mom. That will take both of you 90% of the way there.

Wow! I think you are doing a good job so far. I don't have any specific advise for you.
Good luck!

you are doing the right thing... Help him feel his feminine side.. Dont supress his feelings.i disagree with some of the people, I was naked around my aunts and greandparents as they were around me. It helped me dicover who I am... I am not gay but very bi.. I love womens panties and love making love to both men and women.The worst thing to do is tell his father right now.. THat MAY NOT GO WELL.
Give him ,your son a chance to really discover who he is.. then figure out the father thing.. Right now it is between you and him. Be comfortable with who you both are. Dont hide your body and dont make him hide his.... Let things be as natural as possible, as this may just be a phase in his life.. You will be able to tell soon.
You are doing great keep it up.